


Out of Sight

by peaceloveandjocularity



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Ableism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anxiety, Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce Whump, Emotional Hurt, Episode: s05e04 out of sight out of mind, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/No Comfort, I really just...hurt Hawkeye a lot, M/M, Physical hurt, Punnihawk is endgame, Rated general for now but that may change, Suicidal Ideation, Time to Bully Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, anxiety attack, hawkeye whump, internalized ableism, it's frank, probably, slight homophobia reference
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:47:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 55,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23121985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peaceloveandjocularity/pseuds/peaceloveandjocularity
Summary: Alternate Universe - Canon DivergenceHawkeye lies about getting his sight back in Out of Sight, Out of Mind**Please notice the updated rating!**
Relationships: B. J. Hunnicutt/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, B. J. Hunnicutt/Peg Hunnicutt/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Comments: 92
Kudos: 122





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to let it be known now that I have taken creative liberties with the timeline. If the original M*A*S*H writers can do it, so can I.

Everyone was gathered around as Doctor Overman unwrapped the bandages from around his head. 

“Sorry I was late, Hawkeye. I couldn’t get a chopper.” 

“That’s alright. I was just sitting around listening to myself sweat.” Hawkeye took a shuddering breath as the last of the bandages fell from his face. 

“Now, Hawkeye, shade your eyes.” Hawkeye drew his hand up over his face as the doctor eased the cotton from his eyes. “Now open them slowly.” 

Hawkeye opened his eyes slowly, squinting as the light flooded even through his eyelashes. He pulled his hand back, focusing on his fingers. 

“Well?”

“Five, right?” 

“Yeah,” Dr Overman replied with a relieved chuckle. 

“They work,” he said, sending up cheers and congratulations from his friends surrounding him. 

The PA crackled to life as they surrounded him and they all quieted down. “Here's the results of yesterday's game. Yanks 8, Indians 1. For those who'd like to collect, Major Burns is in post-op.” 

Burns furrowed his brow in confusion. “Oh, that score can't be right. I listened to the game and—” He stopped short, looking at the ravenous group around him. 

“Major,” Klinger started, moving towards Burns. 

“Frank, I want my $10 now!” cried Margaret, moving towards Frank. 

Frank backed up as the rest of the group stalked towards him, looking for their payout. 

“Thanks,” said Hawkeye, reaching out and shaking the doctor’s hand. 

“Thanks, Major,” supplied BJ, as Dr Overman and Hawkeye stood up. 

“Thanks, Jim,” said Colonel Potter as he clapped his hand on Dr Overman’s shoulder, walking out of post-op with him. 

Hawkeye stalked to the window, BJ right on his heels, and yanked open the curtain. The sun burned in his eyes. 

“Isn’t that compound the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?” BJ asked as they watched Frank being chased by the crowd. 

“I don’t know,” whispered Hawk as he stumbled back to his bed. 

BJ followed him. “What do you mean you don’t know?” 

“I can’t see it, Beej.” 

“What? Hawk you just told the doctor your eyes were working! Why the hell would you lie to him?” 

Hawk took a long shuddering breath. “I didn’t lie, I just— I can see my hands in front of my face. I can kinda see you. I can’t— I can’t see anything much beyond that. You’re just a tall blotch of olive drab and white.” 

“I have to go get the colonel,” BJ said, darting to the door. 

“Beej, no please. I can’t go home.” 

BJ whipped around and darted towards the bed Hawkeye was sitting on with startling speed. “Well, Hawk, you can’t stay here and operate if you can’t see what you’re operating on! This is your get out of Korea free card!” 

“Maybe it’ll come back, right? What if I just rest a few more days and let my eyes adjust back to being eyes?”

“But what if it doesn’t, Hawk? Or what if we get another batch of incoming wounded in the meantime?” 

“Then I’ll bow out and tell Colonel Potter. Please Beej, just give me a few more days. I have to see. My eyes have to work,” he said, his voice cracking. 

BJ sighed, raking his hands down his face. “Three days, Hawk. That’s all I’m giving you and that’s only if we don’t get a batch of wounded first.” 

“Yeah, three days, Beej. That’s all I need.” He stood up, grabbing the railing on the end of the bed. “I’m going back to the Swamp. Can you keep everyone away from me?” 

BJ’s hand came to rest on the nape of his neck, grounding him to reality. “I’ll try my best.” 

Hawkeye nodded and strode unsurely to the doors of post-op, stopping just before he could push the door open. Reaching over, he grabbed the cane he had been using for the past few day and wrapped his hand around the crook. The door swung open to pre-op and Hawkeye had to fight the sudden urge to lay on one of those beds and not move. 

He walked slowly through the compound, wielding the cane as an accessory. He tried to convey his usual aura of carefree and content but he knew he was doing a terrible job at it. Was he squinting to try and focus? He made it to the Swamp in decent enough time and immediately dropped onto his bed. The cane clattered on the ground beside him as he shoved his face into the pillow. 

Only then did he allow himself to cry. 

His sight wasn’t going to come back. He knew that. He was just trying to buy himself some time to — He didn’t even know. He was going to be sent stateside. That’s what he had wanted right? But not like this. He couldn’t leave BJ behind. They were all each other had over here, Hawk missing his father and his practice and his life back home and BJ missing Peg and Erin and his little home in Mill Valley. What kind of friend was Hawkeye if he left BJ alone in the midst of all this crazy without a lifeline? Who was going to be his lifeline without BJ there? 

Eventually he cried himself to sleep. It had been nearly dark by the time his eyes closed, the sounds of camp nightlife buzzing around him. He hoped that tonight was going to stay quiet. No wounded, none of Frank’s noise, nothing. He was going to have to survive without his eyes but why couldn’t his ears take the night off instead? 

Hawkeye woke in the night to bone chilling, body racking shivering. A blanket had been pulled over him in the night and the fire seemed to be burning, but he dare not check. That was what got him in this mess in the first place. He wrapped his blanket around him and stumbled over to BJ’s cot, tripping over the cane on the ground. His shins hit the side of BJ’s cot, causing BJ to groan as he turned over. 

“Hawk?” BJ sat up and tugged on the light string over his head. 

“Got room for one more in those sheets? It’s freezing out here.” 

BJ tugged off the light and pushed himself over as far as he could, lifting his blanket so Hawkeye could curl under it. “Get in here.”

“Thanks.” 

“Goodnight, Hawk.” 

Hawkeye had ended up curled on his side with his head on BJ’s chest. Probably not the most comfortable for either of them but Hawkeye had to admit it was soothing to be so close to BJ’s heart. Between his heartbeat and the gentle rise of his chest with each breath, Hawk was able to fall back asleep in no time. 

Enter Frank. 

Hawkeye heard him long before he could have seen him, which, in his current situation was forever. His head was still on BJ’s chest and BJ hadn’t so much as stirred. His arms were wrapped around Hawkeye but he was still fast asleep. 

“Despicable,” Frank spat from the other side of the tent. “A couple of deviants. One word to Colonel Potter and I’ve got them on a blue discharge out of here,” he mumbled. “And if he won’t charge them then I’ll go over his head. I’ve got to tell Margaret,” he said, dumping himself into his bed. 

Hawkeye’s breath stuttered at the thought. It was one thing for him to get blue discharged. Especially now that he was fast approaching a discharge either way with no chance of a post-war career, but BJ couldn’t have that sort of thing hovering over him. Not even a whisper of a possibility could follow him. 

Hawkeye listened for a while as Frank tossed and turned, waiting until his breathing eventually slowed down. He eased BJ’s arms off of him and he staggered back over to his own corner, turning on the light over his bed. Shuffling through his things, he grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil and scribbled a note to leave on his footlocker. His hands shook as he wrote out the words and in his haste, he dropped the note somewhere on the ground. Oh well. It would be noticed eventually. 

He stumbled out the door and started walking down the path. It was so dark out. Frank was supposed to get off post-op duty around midnight so Hawkeye assumed it was sometime around 1 a.m. He paused to listen for Klinger’s jewelry rattling against the barrel of his gun as he paced. He was clear on the other side of the compound. 

Hawkeye stumbled over rocks in his way and fell to his knees hard. His teeth chattered as he shivered, pushing himself up and lurched down the path. To the mine fields. No one would look for him there. 

He knew when he was out of the camp but he wasn’t really sure how close he was to the mine field. Between his eyes taking a vacation and the pitch black outside the camp limits, he couldn’t see anything. Well, if he stumbled into the mine field now, it didn’t matter anyway. He was going home one way or another. 

Only, a pothole foiled his chance at self annihilation. He stumbled over it hitting the ground once more. Only this time, his hands had been in his pocket and he caught himself on his head and right arm. 

Hawkeye groaned as the pressure in his head increased. His head throbbed and his hands shook with the cold. Before he knew it, he was back asleep face down in the dirt, head and arm pulsing in pain. 

_____

BJ woke up to Colonel Potter shaking him, Margaret on his heels, and Frank looking like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar behind her. 

“I don’t recall ordering a wakeup call, Colonel.” 

“Tough cookies, Hunnicutt. Do you know where Pierce is?” 

BJ sat up. “He’s sleeping, isn’t he? He said yesterday he was coming to the Swamp to rest and I came in and pulled the blankets over him before going to bed myself.” He pushed the colonel aside to look at Hawkeye’s empty bed. He pushed his blanket off and picked up Hawk’s balled at the end of his cot. “Except… he came over at one point complaining of the cold so I let him in and he went back to sleep. That was…” BJ searched his memory for what time he had gone to bed. “9:00?” 

“When did you come in last night, Burns?” Potter questioned. 

“Midnight, after my post-op shift. I came in and saw these two deviants hanging all over each other. I fell asleep around 1:30.” 

“He was cold, Frank! He—” BJ stopped mid thought. “He was shivering so bad, but his body was like a furnace. Oh god, why didn’t I see it before?” 

“See what?” 

“Colonel can I talk to you alone?” 

The colonel nodded. “Margaret, you and Frank go find Klinger and ask him if he’s seen Pierce anywhere. If he hasn’t get everyone on alert and search the camp for him.” 

“Yes, Colonel,” she said, turning to rush out the door. 

“What is it Hunnicutt?” 

“Hawk. He’s real sick, Colonel. He’s got an infection.” 

“He didn’t have a fever earlier when the doc saw him. No obvious signs of infection. What makes you so sure?” 

BJ pulled on his boots and was lacing them at a fervent pace. “He can’t see.” 

“HE WHAT?” 

BJ pulled on his jacket and zipped it up. “He can’t see! He doesn’t have his sight back. He can see a few feet in front of him and that’s it. He came to the Swamp earlier to rest his eyes to see if that would help any but if he’s got an infection I don’t doubt his sight is going to get worse.” 

“Why would he lie to Doctor Overman, Hunnicutt? He’s been aching this whole war to go home. Now’s his chance.” 

BJ rushed out the door, his eyes scanning the compound. “Maybe that’s exactly it. What’s he going to do in Crabapple Cove if he can’t practice medicine?” 

“Get everybody to start searching. If he can’t see well, he couldn’t have gotten far. If we don’t find him in the next half hour, we call in the MPs.” 

In the end, it ended up taking eighteen minutes for Father Mulcahy to find Hawkeye. 

He ran down the path to reach Hawkeye whose body was still dangerously hot for the amount of time they assume he’d been outside. “Hawkeye? Hawkeye, you have to wake up.” When no response came, he unzipped his jacket and laid it over Hawkeye. His breathing was slow and deep. Father Mulcahy looked at Hawkeye for a moment before pulling his sweatshirt off and folding it into a cushion for Hawkeye’s head. “I’ll be back with some help, I promise.” 

Father Mulcahy stood up and sprinted back to camp. “BJ! Colonel Potter! I found Hawkeye!” Half of the camp surrounded him almost immediately. “He’s on the edge of the mine field. You’ll need a litter, he doesn’t look so good.” 

BJ was off down the trail, medic bag in hand before Father Mulcahy had finished his sentence. His heart skipped a beat as he saw his best friend face down on the ground where he had fallen — not fifteen feet from the edge of the mine field. 

His hands were shaking as he knelt beside Hawkeye and turned him onto his back, adjusting Mulcahy’s sweater pillow. A bruise was starting to develop on the right side of his face. He had his left hand still lodged in the pocket of his coat, but his right arm was hanging half way out of his other pocket. He fumbled for his pen light in his pocket, nearly dropping it. 

How was he supposed to work on his best friend? 

He eased back one of Hawk’s eyelid and shone the light in his eye, watching as his pupil constricted way too slowly for BJ’s liking. He grabbed his stethoscope from his medic bag. _Too many layers,_ BJ thought. He pulled back Father Mulcahy’s jacket and draped it over Hawkeye’s lap.

“I’m sorry for this,” he said, reaching the stethoscope in his cold hand up Hawkeye’s sweater. His pulse was strong, but buzzing. BJ sat back on his heels. There wasn’t much he could do until they got Hawk back to camp. 

_Where were the corpsmen with that litter?_

BJ brushed back Hawkeye’s hair. “They’re coming, I promise.” BJ kept petting Hawk’s hair, more to comfort himself than Hawkeye, but maybe he was killing two birds with one stone. 

Hawkeye’s temperature was still too high. 

A litter appeared next to him, Klinger leading it to the ground, Father Mulcahy holding the other end. 

“He’s not looking too hot, BJ,” Klinger murmured. 

“He’s definitely feeling it thought. Help me get him on the litter.” 

BJ stepped over Hawk and lifted him from the middle, Klinger grabbing beneath his shoulders and Father Mulcahy grabbing his legs. They laid him on the litter and Father Mulcahy pulled his sweater back on as BJ and Klinger grabbed the litter and strode as fast as they could back to the hospital. 

Father Mulcahy moseyed his way back to camp. “Lord, I know I’ve asked you for a lot of things, especially since I’ve come over here, but if you never grant another prayer of mine, please help Hawkeye.” 

The operating room was somber as the medical team waited for Hawkeye to be brought in. Colonel Potter and Margaret had already scrubbed and decontaminated themselves, unsure of Hawkeye’s condition. Frank was in the scrub room cleaning himself, grumbling the whole time. The litter was dropped on the table top in pre-op and Hawkeye was stripped of his clothes and laid on a clean litter, covered in sheets by a pair of corpsmen while BJ ran through to the scrub room to clean up. 

By the time he was decontaminated, Potter was already bent over Hawkeye, examining him. “He won’t need surgery on his arm, but we’ve got bigger fish to fry with this fever of his. Margaret, what’s his temp?” 

“Nearly 104 degrees, Colonel.” 

“Sweet Nefertiti! We need to get an x-ray of this arm and then we need to get that temperature down. Hunnicutt, get your behind in here!” 

BJ pushed through the door, leading with his hip, hands in the air. “What is it?” 

“His temp is 104; what was his heart rate in the field?”

“It was high. Nearly 140 bpm, I think.” 

“Alright, son. Klinger!”

Klinger and Radar pushed through the doors to OR. “Colonel, Potter, sir.” 

Radar stumbled back. “Oh jeez, Colonel Potter, Sir. He doesn’t look too good.”

“Oh good, Radar, you’re here too. You two bring Pierce to x-ray and get a shot of that arm. I need to know if it’s broken or just sprained. Margaret when they get him back here I want you on pain management. Burns!” he called to Frank who had been lurking in the corner. “Go get penicillin and get back here tout de suite.” 

They all scrambled to do their job, except Frank who stomped out of the operating room mumbling about nurses jobs. 

BJ moved to the corner and turned off the stove that was blazing in the corner. They would all have to suffer the cold until they could get Hawkeye’s temperature back down. 

BJ slumped against an open table, waiting for Hawkeye to come back. His hands were shaking as he held them away from himself to keep them clean. He stared at the empty table in front of him where Hawkeye was going to be set down again. He was staring so intently, he didn’t even realize Colonel Potter had sidled up next to him. 

“He’ll be fine. Put your hands down, son. He doesn’t need surgery and there’s just that cut on his face to clean. We just have to set that arm and get his temperature back down and we can toss him back in the Swamp until he’s evac-ed.” 

BJ eased his hands down to his scrub pants. “He’s gonna pitch a fit about leaving, you know.” 

“Yeah, I know. For someone who’s made it his job to try and leave this place, I don’t think this was how he planned on doing it.” Colonel Potter stood up as Klinger led the litter back into the OR. “Why don’t you go back to the Swamp and calm yourself down. Margaret and I can handle Hawkeye. I’ll come down and let you know when he’s ready to go to his bed.” 

BJ pushed himself off the table. “Yeah,” he whispered. His eyes tracked Hawk as he was placed back on the table. “Take good care of him.” 

BJ could feel the stares of the people that watched him walk out of the hospital. His sneakers scuffed across the compound to the Swamp. He pushed the door open and stared at Hawkeye’s bunk. His papers were scattered alongside the wall. His cane laid on the floor by the still and his bed was still missing his blanket. 

Starting with Hawk’s bed, BJ began to clean up Hawkeye’s corner of the Swamp. He pulled the sheet up the bed and tossed the blanket on top. Hawk hated regulation; no need for BJ to stifle his creativity. He picked up the cane and tossed it on Hawkeye’s footlocker. The papers were next. BJ picked up an outlier halfway beneath Hawk’s bunk, examining the writing on it. It was definitely Hawkeye’s handwriting. 

_I’m sorry  
I love you. _

The writing was definitely recent; the words were slanted towards the edge of the page and they were larger than usual. This was within the last few days. 

Who was this written for? 

BJ dropped onto Hawkeye’s bunk and stared at the note. I’m sorry I love you. _I’m sorry that I love you_ or _I’m sorry, I love you?_

Had Hawk planned his nighttime trip to the minefield? 

_I’m sorry  
I love you. _

BJ curled up onto his side and cradled the note like he would one of Peg’s letters. Nothing was making sense right now. Had he planned to die? Was this note meant to be his final goodbye? This was it? 

The Swamp door creaked open behind him but he couldn’t move. His eyes were trained on this stupid note that created more questions than it answered. 

“Hunnicutt,” started Colonel Potter. “We’re all done fixing up Pierce. He’s occupying a bed in post-op.” He stepped over and leaned against the cot. “Whatcha got there, BJ?” 

“I, uh— It’s a note from Hawkeye I think. It was under his bunk.” His hand was shaking as he sat up and held it out to his commander. “It raises a lot more questions than it answers, I’m afraid.”

“I’m sorry. I love you. What in the blue blazes is that supposed to mean?” 

“I don’t know. I was tidying up his area and this was under his bed. I think it’s from recent. The handwriting is bigger than usual and it just— there’s something wrong about it. It feels like it was meant to be his goodbye.” 

Colonel Potter handed the note back and clapped a hand on BJ’s shoulder. “Well I just came by to tell you that he’s still not awake but he’s moved into post-op. I bet he’d love a familiar face close by when he wakes up.” 

BJ rubbed his face. “When do you think he’ll wake up?” 

“Could be soon, we only gave him enough anesthesia to keep him under while we worked on him. It all depends on how long he was out before you got to him.” 

BJ stood up and stripped off the surgery scrub shirt and tossed it on his bunk. He dug through his laundry bag and pulled out one of his pink shirts and pulled it on. If Hawk’s gonna be bunked in post-op, he’s gonna hate waking up to a sea of white, tan, and green. 

He left his scrub pants on as he walked over to post-op. Nurses were bustling around preparing some patients for discharge and others for a trip to the 121st Evac Hospital. BJ skirted past all of them and raked his eyes up the rows of beds looking for Hawk. He didn’t have far to look, luckily. Hawk was placed in the bed closest to Klinger’s office. Walking through to Colonel Potter’s office, BJ dragged a chair back and set it right beside Hawkeye’s bed. 

BJ bounced his leg impatiently as he sat, waiting for Hawk to wake up. His vitals were back in the clear, though his fever was still high. His arm was wrapped in a cast and his ankle was propped up in a sling. The dirt had been washed from Hawkeye’s face and a cut on his face had been bandaged. He wiped at tears as he stared at his best friend bruised and unconscious. He set his hand down and clasped his fingers with Hawkeye’s before he fell asleep. 

_____

Hawkeye’s head hurt. His arm hurt. His body felt too hot. His eyes felt so heavy but he pried them open. Ahh yes, the sweet vision of unending blurriness. His head felt like it was rolling as he turned to his right side — an empty bed? — and to his left — oh. BJ was holding his hand. He was sitting close enough Hawk could see his face. He looked younger while he slept. Hawk squeezed his hand and tried to move his body to sit up but caught his ankle in the sling it was caught in. 

He rolled his eyes and slunk back into his pillow. He eased his hand out from underneath BJ’s and held it to his eyes, slowly easing it back until it was almost too blurry to see. Maybe three feet. He could hardly see his own hand two feet away. 

His hand came back down to rest on BJ’s, giving it a light squeeze. 

BJ’s eyes fluttered open and immediately looked over to Hawk. “Hey, how’s it going?” 

“Long time, no see, huh?” Hawkeye joked. “Do you have my cup of thermometers yet?” 

“No cup yet. How are you feeling?” BJ stood up and checked his heart rate. 

“I’m fine. My head hurts but it’s no worse than anything I’ve ever had after a night of drinking. I’m fine, Beej. I promise.” He laid still as BJ checked his vitals. A hand cupped his forehead. “Why don’t you kiss my forehead? You’ll get a better read,” he chuckled. 

BJ pressed his lips gently to Hawkeye’s forehead. “Fever’s mostly gone. You had us really worried about you Hawk.” 

“I’m a grown man, I can hold my own.” 

BJ bolted up. “Hawkeye you almost walked into the mine field! I knelt over your body fifteen feet away from certain death! What the hell do you think you were doing out there?!” 

“I was trying to save you, you dolt!” 

“How is you getting yourself blown up saving me?!” 

“I, uh—” Hawkeye turned his head away from BJ. 

“No, Hawk. What do you mean you were saving me?” 

Hawkeye set his jaw and stared at the abyss of white and green beside him. 

BJ sank back into the chair. “Hawkeye, please.” 

Hawkeye took a shuddering breath and craned his neck, trying to find sight of anything beyond BJ. “Who’s working post-op?” 

“Kellye is at the nurse’s desk and I think Frank is supposed to be on call.” 

“Why’s my foot in a sling?” 

“There was some swelling in your ankle and they raised it to get it down. I don’t think anything’s broken though. Let me see if it can come down.” BJ stood up and prodded his ankle. “Does anything hurt?” 

“It’s pretty tender but it’s fine. Can you ease it down?” 

BJ eased the sling down and set Hawkeye’s foot back on his cot, watching as he winced. “It hurt?” 

“It’s fine. Just sore.” 

“Well if it’s fine, what’s this talking about you saving me?” 

“Oh, Hawkeye, you’re awake!” cried Margaret as she entered the tent. “How are you?” 

“I’m fine, Margaret.” 

“Then what were you thinking?!” she shrieked, slapping his foot, making him curl up with a wince. “You had the whole camp looking for you at 0400 hours and all you’ve got to say for yourself is that you’re fine?!” 

“I took a wrong turn on my stroll in the park. Next time I’ll try turning right instead of left. Maybe I’ll take a detour through Seoul, get one of those pretty geisha girls to walk on my back.”

“Hawk, please,” BJ begged. “Talk to me. Why’d you do it?” 

“Not here, BJ. Not now. Please,” Hawkeye said, his eye wide and pleading. 

“What are you on about, Pierce?” 

“Nothing, Margaret. Please.” He closed his eyes and pushed back into his pillow. “Please.” 

“Pierce,” Margaret started. 

“I’m sorry. I can’t hear you, my eyes are closed.” Hawkeye turned over on his cot and cradled his casted arm to his chest. “Can you guys leave me alone? I’m tired.” 

“You’ve been unconscious for two days, Hawk. But I get it,” BJ started. “We’ll end the Spanish Inquisition. But we’ll talk later, okay?” He sat back in the chair and stretched his legs out. “I’ll be here when you decide to stop faking sleep.” 

The doors swung close at the other end of post-op. “Is Margaret gone?” 

“Yeah.” 

“And Frank is nowhere to be seen?” 

“Currently MIA.” 

Hawkeye sat up and moved closer to BJ so he could see his eyes. “I was out for two days?” 

“Please Hawk. We’re best friends. Just talk to me.”

“He was gonna try and get us blue discharged because he saw us in your cot together.” He watched as BJ just stared at him. “He said if Colonel Potter didn’t charge us, that he’d go over his head and report us. And I couldn’t let that happen to you. Not even an allegation. I’m going home one way or another. I don’t have a job I can return to, no best friends, I’ve got nothing for me back home. But even an allegation could ruin you, and your career, and your happy family. So I left. And I wandered and I just— I didn’t intend to walk into the mine field but I’d be lying if I said the thought never crossed my mind.” 

BJ couldn’t hardly hear anymore based on the pounding in his ears. He knew Frank was a real piece of work, but to report on things he had no idea about just out of spite was disgusting. And right up his alley. “I’d rather be charged blue than have you kill yourself for me, Hawkeye. And if it’s a lie then nothing would happen anyway.” 

“But what is it’s not? Frank’s an accomplished bootlicker. And liar. And all around skeeze. He’d somehow make it stick.” 

“I’m gonna go beat that weasel to a pulp. And then I’ll bring him to OR, put him back together and do it all over again.” 

“Can I go back to the Swamp? I don’t think I can stand being the only patient here.” 

“If you can stand on that leg and walk yourself to the Swamp. With that arm you won’t be able to crutch yourself.” 

Hawkeye threw his legs over the side of the cot and stood up, wobbling on his ankle but remaining upright. “Shall we stroll, darling?” 

“Let’s go have a picnic, dear. They’re serving meatloaf in the mess hall. It’s inedible but we can skip them in the lake later.” 

“I’m not too hungry, Beej.” 

“Ahh c’mon Hawk. Everybody’ll be glad to see you awake and moving. We were all so worried about you.” 

Hawkeye stumbled over a divot in the roadway, his body slamming into BJ’s. “Sorry, sorry. One too many drinks intravenously while I was out. I struck a deal with the nurses to keep me dosed before I went on my nighttime promenade to the mine field.” He winced as he landed back on his ankle. “Oh that smarts.” 

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, uh, let’s go to the mess tent. I could do with some food. And if we don’t have that I’ll take the skipping stones. And maybe someone should get me a wheelchair.” 

“Damn it Hawkeye. I knew we shouldn’t have let you out of bed.” 

The duo walked to the mess tent and Hawk was immediately swarmed by the people in there. BJ maneuvered him into a seat and sent off to get some food for him. Hawkeye could hear Frank talking from across the tent. Even with the people surrounding him, his ears picked up only that whining, sniveling voice. 

“What do you mean, Margaret? Pierce wasn’t awake when I was last in there. I’m the on-call doctor. If he woke up, I’d be the first to know about it.” 

“Hey,” Hawk whispered to the group around him. “Don’t let Frank see me.” 

“Pierce!” 

“Damn it. Yes Frank?” 

“What are you doing awake and out of post-op? I’m the on-call doctor and I haven’t even cleared you to be awake, let alone walking around.” 

“Well, you see Frank, I’ve never obeyed you before so I figured why wait to disobey you this time?” 

“Get out of here Frank,” BJ said, setting a tray in front of Hawkeye. “Or I’ll be having words with Colonel Potter about certain things you planned on reporting.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Frank spat, backing up as BJ hovered over him. “I’m going to tell Colonel Potter about this too— threatening a superior officer.” 

“That’s not a threat, this is a threat: leave Hawkeye alone until he goes home or I’ll make sure you go home not far behind him. I’ll be his doctor until he leaves and if you so much as take his temperature, I’m going to lay you out flat.” BJ wrapped a fist around Frank’s lapel. “Understand?” 

Frank’s eyes grew wide and he backed away until he was nearly out of the door. He yanked away from BJ, but his hand was still clasped firm on his lapel. “Understood,” he sneered. BJ let go of his lapel as Frank pulled back once more, sending him reeling back through the door. 

BJ turned back to Hawkeye and the group that had remained surrounding him. “Alright, now where were we? Ahh yes. Rock-hard meatloaf and stale bread with a side of brown carrots and beans. Bon appetite.” 

“Well, I told ya Beej, I’m not all that hungry. Besides I think Trap said it best; all this food needs is a little salt, some pepper, mustard, ketchup, sauce, flavor. We could play hockey with this meatloaf. I’d rather not wait for the dentist to give me new teeth after eating this,” he groused as he picked up the meatloaf and dropped it back on the tray with a resounding clatter. 

“Peg’s sent some rum cookies. Do you want some of those?” 

Hawkeye pushed himself up, avoiding putting weight on his leg. “Beej, really I’m fine. I’ve been fed through the IV for a couple days, I’m good to go.” 

“That’s just for hydration and you know it.” 

“Fine, let’s go get drunk on your wife’s cookies. Be careful with me darling, I’m a lightweight.” 

“I’ll get us a cab so we won’t have to worry about driving ourselves home.” BJ looked to Radar who had just sat down with a tray of his own. “Radar, can you run to post-op and grab a wheelchair for Hawk?”

Radar looked wistfully at his lunch before standing up. “Yes, Captain Hunnicutt, sir. Can you watch my lunch for me?” 

“I’ll do you one better, Radar. If you get a wheelchair you can have your lunch and Hawk’s.” 

“Aw, gee, sir, I don’t want his lunch. I’ll go get that wheelchair.” Radar walked as fast as his legs could carry him. 

BJ laughed as he watched Radar scurry around, trying to avoid running into people. “What a nice young man. Too bad this neighborhood has so much violence. I’d love to have some more kids of my own some day.” 

Radar wheeled over the chair and stood by Hawk’s casted arm in case Hawkeye needed him as a crutch. He was almost the perfect height for it. “Sir, if you need any help, do ya still have that duck call Klinger gave you? Just blow it and I’ll come help you. Least until you go home.” 

“Thanks, Radar. I’ll be fine though.” He dropped into the wheelchair, tossing his leg over the side. “Chauffeur? The Swamp, please.” BJ pushed him across the compound to the Swamp and dumped him onto his cot. “Ahh, home sweet home. How I didn’t miss you so.” He turned over on his cot and looked around at all of his things. “Well. Not home sweet home for long, I suppose.”

“I can help you pack if you want,” offered BJ. “They’re likely to ship you out within the next day or so, seeing how you’ve left the Land of Nod.” 

Hawkeye looked around at the place that had been his home for the last— year and a half? two years?— and gave a wet laugh. Tears were welling up in his eyes as he made out the shapes of some of his belongings. “Damn,” he whispered. A shuddery sigh escaped him. 

“Hawk?” 

“They’re sending me home and I won’t even be able to enjoy it.” He picked up the Life Magazine Klinger had traded for him with pictures of Maine inside. “This is the most I’ll ever get to see of Maine again. This magazine photo that I can stare at but no more than three feet from my face.” He rolled the magazine up and pitched it at his pile of books. “Never be able to read those again either!” He stumbled from his bed and threw open his footlocker pulling out his books and nudist magazines. “Can’t enjoy these anymore!” He pitched them across the tent. His pad of paper was next. “Letters? Hope you never expect one from me because I can’t see to write them!” 

BJ let him tear around the tent, throwing his books and magazines until they all ended up in a pile near the stove. Just watching, listening. Waiting for the volatility to run out. There was nothing he could say that would defuse the situation. It wasn’t until Hawkeye tore off his sling and started picking at his cast that he stepped in. 

“Hawkeye stop it, you’re hurting yourself.” He wrapped his arms around Hawk, trying to pin him in one place. 

“Why does it matter? Tell me BJ! Because from what I can see— and it isn’t much— but from what I can see, there’s nothing left for me. I’ve got no hobbies, no career! No prospects of anything ever again!” He slumped into BJ’s grasp, sobbing. “I’ve lost everything in one fell swoop.” 

BJ shifted them to Hawkeye’s cot and sat him down, never letting him go. “You’ve still got reasons to keep going; friends, family, all of us here at the 4077. You can get new hobbies, find a new job. You’ll be able to live and love. Settle down and find a pretty girl to marry you. You’ll be able to look into her eyes and see so well, you’ll see the future.” BJ had begun to rock Hawkeye, trying to stop the crying. “You deserve happiness too, Hawk.” One of his hands skirted up to Hawk’s hair and began to make soft petting movements. “And what about your dad? He’ll be ecstatic to see you alive and in one piece.”

“Maybe physically, but I’m cracking up, Beej. I don’t know what to do. I’ve got nothing. I thought I had nothing left over here but you and now I’ve got even less. And now I’m about to lose you too when I head stateside.” 

“Hawk, there’s plenty of things blind people can do.”

“General surgery?” 

BJ chuckled. “Not likely. But you’ll find something.” 

Hawkeye leaned into BJ’s shoulder. “I’ve spent the last year and a half wanting to go home, but not like this. Now I don’t want to go home. I won’t even be able to see the looks of pity people are giving me; people I grew up around.”

“Well I’ve called Peg and she’s gonna meet you at the airport. You can stay with her as long as you’d like.” 

Hawkeye sniffled and went to wipe his nose on the back of his sleeve, brushing his nose with his cast. He rolled his eyes, just forgetting about it. “How long will Peg want me to stay though? Will she be truthful enough to throw me out when she’s sick of me? And what about Erin. She’s— what— over a year now. I don’t want to be mistaken as ‘daddy,’ especially when I know her daddy is over here in hell trying his best to come back home.” 

“She’s a year and three months. I’ve already been here for over a year.” BJ’s voice came out a bit choked. “But if anyone was going to upstage me, I suppose I could do worse than you.” 

“Beej? How many people know that I can’t see?” 

BJ sighed. “I don’t know Hawk. Colonel Potter, definitely. Probably Radar. Lord only knows how much that kid actually just instinctively knows. Maybe Margaret, she was helping Colonel Potter patch you up. Klinger was there on litter duty. Father Mulcahy is the one who found you. Frank was in OR at one point. But I don’t know how much anybody actually knows. You’ll have to talk to the colonel about that. I got sent from OR because I couldn’t— I couldn’t focus. I’m sorry.” 

Hawkeye drew back and looked at him. “Sorry for what?” 

“I couldn’t work on you. I took vitals down by the mine field but I couldn’t…” He took a shuddery breath. “Focus. Klinger and I carried you to pre-op and I ran through and got scrubbed up but then they took you back to x-ray and I couldn’t focus on anything but the god awful pounding in my ears. So Colonel Potter sent me back here until they got you patched up and in bed.” 

“And?” 

BJ looked down at him. Hawk was focused intently on his face. “And what?” 

“And then what?” 

“And then I didn’t leave your side. I still haven’t left your side longer than it takes to go to the latrine or however long it took me to grab your food. The nurses took turns bringing me my meals because I wouldn’t leave you. You’re my best friend, Hawk. And I couldn’t save you.” Hawkeye wiped at a tear that was sliding down BJ’s cheek until BJ chuckled and swiped at his own cheeks. “Sorry.” 

“Thank you,” Hawkeye whispered. “I’m sorry. You’re my best friend.” 

_I’m sorry  
I love you._

“You’re my best friend, too, Hawk. I’m gonna miss you until I get back stateside. I’ll visit you in Maine if you decide to go home. Peg, Erin and I can all go pick you up and we’ll have a picnic somewhere.” 

“You said I can stay with Peg and Erin, stateside, right?”

“As long as you want to.” 

Hawk sat up, finally unravelling from BJ’s grasp. “And you won’t mind?” 

“Course not. I trust you, I trust Peg.” 

“What if I go home and visit my dad for a bit and decide I don’t want to stay there? Could I go back to California?” 

“As long as it’s fine with Peg, it’s fine with me.” 

Hawkeye nodded. “I’m not sure if I can stay home in Maine. I think I’d like to stay with Peggy if you don’t mind. You’d better watch out though. No woman can resist the patent pending Benjamin Pierce charm.” 

BJ laughed and pushed his shoulder against Hawkeye. “Well, that’s up to Peg, I suppose. Let’s get this mess cleaned up and then we’ll break into those rum cookies.” 

“Or… here’s a thought: you can check my ankle because I think that tirade really hurt something.” 

“Damn it, Hawk. Can you get yourself to the chair?” 

Hawkeye stood up and tried to move to the chair, wincing with every step and letting out a whine a few times before he dropped into the chair. 

“I think next time I’ll just carry you.” 

“I’ll be fine Beej. I just think I need a pair of crutches. I can handle them even with the cast.” BJ wheeled the chair over to x-ray and set Hawk in position. “You know, I really hate being the patient.” 

“Well, you’ll be the patient for the next six weeks at least with that arm. Maybe your ankle too, if that’s broken.” 

BJ took the x-ray photo and Hawkeye rolled himself out to post-op and threw himself onto a bed while BJ developed the photo. Margaret was on-call now and she kept turning in her chair to watch him from her nurses’ station. 

“Margaret, if you take a photo it’ll last longer. I’m willing to pose for you any way you’d like me,” he smirked while giving her a wave.

“Pierce, do you realize how worried we were for you?” she snapped. “Do you realize how close you were to death?”

“Margaret, do you realize how close I am to home?” 

“What are you talking about? They’re going to send you to Tokyo for a while to recuperate and they’ll send you right back here. They won’t discharge a surgeon of your standing for a few broken bones.” 

“That sounds like a compliment to me, Margaret. You’d better be careful or I might limp right over there and ravish you.” He sprawled out on the bed and turned on his side, propping his head up with his arm. “I can’t see you, Margaret,” he said, looking in her general direction. “I can’t operate if I can’t see and if I can’t operate, the army has no use for me. I’m finished as a surgeon, up to and including putting broken war figurines back together.” 

Next thing he knew, he was hit with a book from across the room. 

“Ow, Margaret! What the hell was that for?” 

“You really didn’t see it,” she breathed. “You really can’t see?” 

“If you come over here and kiss me, I’ll be able to see you,” he said, raising his eyebrows suggestively. 

“Pierce, I’m serious!” 

“Hi serious, I’m Benjamin Franklin Pierce. Nice to meet you.” He held out his casted hand to the open air. 

“Hawkeye!” 

He sat up on the bed and propped his leg up in the wheelchair. “Yeah, I’m serious, Margaret. I’m waiting for them to send discharge papers and then I’m out of here. I’m going to shack up with Peg Hunnicutt for a while until I get the courage to go home and face all those people who are expecting Dr Hawkeye Pierce, Army MD and instead are getting Hawkeye Pierce, civilian.” 

“Does BJ know you’re staying with Peg?” 

“Yeah, he’s the one who set it up, I guess. I’m glad. I don’t think I can go back to Crabapple Cove like this.” 

“But, Pierce, what about your father? Don’t you think he deserves to see you? Doesn’t he deserve to see you home in one piece?”

“Hey, I bet my dad would love to see California. Beej is always talking about how great Mill Valley is.” 

Margaret stood up and walked over to the cot and sat on the chair beside him. “Well I’ll get the going away party set up, then. As soon as I’m off shift.” 

BJ walked in, x-ray in hand. “Well Hawk it seems that your last trip rolled your ankle far enough to break. It was probably fractured before that.” 

“The colonel didn’t order for an x-ray of his ankle. The swelling didn’t come until his temperature went down,” Margaret said. 

“See, you hear that? They didn’t check your ankle because you were trying to win the award for highest temperature in a M*A*S*H unit. Now you’ve gotten your award and you’ve broken your ankle and now we’re gonna wrap you head to toe in plaster and stop you from hurting yourself again.” 

“Just the ankle will be fine, Beej.” Hawkeye turned and set his leg in Margaret’s lap. “Do I get to have the other kids to sign my cast?” 

“Both of them if you’d like,” BJ quipped. “Let’s get you into the OR and we’ll get your ankle set. Margaret if you can roll him in there, I’ll get set up.” He turned and walked into OR leaving Margaret and Hawkeye alone. 

Margaret put her hand on Hawkeye’s lap and grabbed for his hand. “You know, he was the most worried about you. Colonel Potter sent him out of OR so he could gather his wits. He came back and spent two days by your side.” 

“Yeah, he told me.” 

“Did he tell you that he thought you were going to die? And that he thought it was his fault?” 

Hawk’s breathing stuttered. “Uh, no. Not quite.” 

Margaret’s hand squeezed his and her other brushed back a lock of hair. “Take it easy on him, okay? Let him doctor you until you go home. It’s his way of trying to cope.” She eased Hawkeye’s leg off her lap and stood up. “Let’s get you to OR and get that ankle wrapped up.” 

Hawkeye eased himself into the wheelchair. “Thanks, Margaret.”  
She just hummed her assent. “What was BJ trying to question you about when you woke up?” 

“It was nothing, Margaret. Please. Just leave it alone.” 

“Now I know it’s something, Pierce. And you won’t share which means it has to do with me, Frank, or military.” 

Damn she was too intuitive for her own good. 

“So which is it? I’m assuming Frank, seeing as he came and tattled to me already that BJ threatened him to stay away from you.” 

Hawkeye continued to hold his tongue. 

“Your silence makes me think I’m right, so what was it? What backhand comment did he make that sent you running?” 

“Margaret just let it be! Mind your own business!” 

“This is my business! I’m wheeling my friend to OR to get yet another cast on him after he was found unconscious by the mine field! You bet your ass it’s my business!” 

“I’ve tried to be your friend but when have you ever been my friend?! You take Frank’s side on everything no matter how stupid and backwards and wrong he is! Everything is military with you and, to be a bit frank myself, this is not a military affair so I think I’ll hold my tongue. Thank you.” 

Margaret stopped the wheelchair just short of the OR doors. “Pierce…” 

Hawkeye stood up, his ankle buckling under the pressure. He winced but limped through the OR door and leaned himself back on the first table. “Hey Beej, I’ve played doctor before but this is my first time playing patient,” he joked, raising his eyebrows.

“I’ll be gentle with you,” BJ shot back, smiling gently. 

Margaret pushed through the doors suddenly silent as she pulled on gloves to help set Hawk’s ankle back into place. “Do you want a local anesthetic, Pierce?” 

“No thank you.” 

Her hands prodded his ankle as she made sure all the bones were properly aligned. His face never showed his pain, instead choosing to forego all emotion entirely. The only sign he gave away that he was in pain was that his jaw tensed as he grit his teeth. His eyes followed BJ’s movements, looking anywhere but Margaret. He was mad at her. Was it really her fault? No. Was he being petty? Maybe. But he wasn’t about to give her any ammunition to use on him. 

He leaned back on his elbows following BJ as he wrapped strips of plaster around his leg. Before long, BJ tapped his ankle. “All done, Hawk. Just let it dry. Margaret, can I talk to you outside?” She nodded, peeling off her gloves. “I’ll be right back, Hawk.” 

“Beej—” he started, but BJ was already out the doors. He poked at the cast. Still damp. He laid down and stared at the ceiling of the tent. His toes were cold. He was alone. He sat up and looked towards the windows on the door but they were too far away for him to see out of. Faintly he could hear BJ’s voice. Was he telling her? 

BJ pushed through the doors again after a bit and checked the cast on Hawk’s ankle. “Ready to go?” 

“Yeah,” Hawk murmured. 

“You okay?” BJ asked, rolling over the wheelchair. 

“Did— you didn’t tell her, did you?” 

“Course not, Hawk. I figure you have a reason for not telling her.” 

Hawk nodded and eased himself off the table and sat in the chair. “Where to now?”

BJ rolled him through the doors and they walked through to Radar’s office. “Wherever you want, I suppose. Probably the Swamp.” 

“Take me to where you found me.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely happy with this but it's a filler chapter. Enjoy.

“Hawk, I—” 

“Captain Pierce, sir?” piped up Radar from his desk. 

“Yeah, Radar?”

“I’ve got your discharge papers right here, sir. You’re really going home? You’re not coming back?” 

BJ wheeled Hawkeye over to Radar’s desk so he could see the boy more clearly. “Yeah, Radar. I’m going home. But guess what— I’ve got plenty of real estate for you guys to sign your names before I leave and you get the honors of being first if you can find a marker to do the job.” 

“Oh, gee, really? I can scrounge up a marker from somewhere. I’ll be right back,” he said, running off to find a marker. The discharge papers were dropped on Hawkeye’s lap. 

“I’m gonna miss him. I think I’m gonna miss everybody.” Hawkeye brought the papers to his face, reading them carefully. “Well,” he said, folding the papers in his lap. “Everyone except Frank.” 

Radar came running through the door, triumphantly holding a marker. “I found a marker! Which cast do you want me to sign, sir?” 

“Radar,” Hawkeye warned. “Stop with the sir stuff. As of now—” He held up his papers as triumphantly as Radar held the marker. “I am a lowly civilian being held against my will on a M.A.S.H compound waiting for his ride to get here. Tokyo, then Guam, then San Fransisco here I come. I want you to sign my arm, that way I can always keep you close.” He held out his arm so that Radar could write his name on there. 

“I’ve gotta get things ready for a party. You can’t go without a party!” 

“Go talk to Major Houlihan about it. She’s already appointed herself chief party planner.” 

Radar was quick to move to the door. 

“But Radar—”

“Sir?” 

“Make sure you don’t waste any good trades on decoration okay? Just use whatever you can find laying around the compound.” 

Radar nodded and then took off out the door. BJ swiped the marker from the desk and pulled Hawkeye’s arm towards him. “Now that you’ve given Radar the honor of the first signature, I think it’s only fair I get second, seeing as I’ve been your partner in crime for a year.” BJ signed his name on Hawkeye’s arm, close to his wrist before moving to his leg cast. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Don’t worry about it,” BJ said. “I’m concentrating.” BJ stuck his tongue out of his mouth in mock concentration before pulling the marker away with a flourish. “Ta-da!” 

Hawkeye lifted his leg and propped it on Radar’s chair before doubling in half to get close enough to see. BJ had drawn his own ‘Kilroy was here’ upside down on Hawkeye’s shin. 

Hawkeye threw his head back and laughed, his eyes twinkling. “I’ll have to tell my doctor back home to be careful cutting these off. I’d hate to see such a masterpiece ruined.” He sat back up in the wheelchair. “Maybe I can have dad cut them off. He’d let me keep them as a souvenir. Dad,” he breathed. “Does he even know I’m going stateside? Does he know what’s happened?” 

“I’m not sure, Hawk. Maybe when Radar gets back we can try calling him.” 

“Can— We can probably figure it out, right? What time is it?”

BJ looked at the clock. “Little after 1 pm. So that would put Maine at 12 am, I think?” 

“Shit,” Hawk breathed. He eased himself up into Radar’s chair and pulled the phone out of its cradle. “Oh, I hope he doesn’t hate me for this.” 

“I don’t think your father is going to hate you for telling him that you’re going home.” 

“Can you flip whatever switch gets Sparky on the line?” Hawkeye put the phone to his ear. BJ paused before flipping a couple switches before a voice crackled in his ear. “Sparky?” 

“Yeah, who’s this?” 

“Captain Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H 4077. I need to make a call to Crabapple Cove, Maine. Can you help patch me through?” 

“I can try but it’ll take a while to open a channel, Captain Pierce.” 

“Yes, please do. And just Hawkeye is fine.” 

“Alright Just Hawkeye, stay on the phone while I wait for a line.” 

The static was overbearing as Hawkeye waited for Sparky to find a clear line back home. “Am I doing the right thing? What if he’s asleep?” 

“Hawkeye, your dad isn’t going to mind being woken up in the middle of the night by his son. I promise.” BJ put his hand on Hawkeye’s shoulder and the pressure helped to ground him. “Besides, maybe Sparky can’t clear a line and you won’t have to worry about it. You can call him from Guam or San Fransisco or Mill Valley. You could show up on the front step of his house in Maine and just sit there until he gets home.” 

“Yeah but who’d pick me up from the airport?” 

“You could hitchhike easy. Put on your class As, work that broken ankle and hitchhike using your broken arm. You’ll have people swarming to help you.” 

“If I got a seeing eye dog, they’d probably swarm faster, right?” 

“Of course! Everybody loves dogs. I hope you like dogs if you’re staying with Peg. Waggles just loves attention.” 

“Well of course I—”

“Hawkeye?” 

“Yeah, Sparky?” he said, pulling the phone back to his mouth. 

“I’ve got a line cleared. I’m patching you through to someone in Maine. They’ll get you wherever you’re going.” 

Sparky was off the line before Hawkeye could say thank you. Another voice crackled in through the static. “Hello, how may I direct your call this evening?” 

“I’m trying to reach my father, Daniel Pierce, in Crabapple Cove.” 

“Please wait while I transfer your call.” 

The crackling static on the other end of the phone did nothing to calm Hawkeye’s fears. This operator seemed to be taking longer than Sparky did to clear the line. People back home must really be wanting to talk about everything and nothing. BJ’s hand moved to stroke Hawkeye’s hair like he had a few days prior. 

If Hawkeye leaned into the touch then it didn’t matter much. Best not to look too far into it. 

“I’m over somewhere in Maine right now,” he said, pulling the microphone away from his face. “The operator is trying to clear a line to dad right now.” His foot was bouncing as he waited, impatient as ever. Now his impatience was tinged with anxiety though. What if his father didn’t answer? He was shipping out tomorrow afternoon. If his father tried to call back, he wouldn’t be here. What if he was angry that Hawk woke him up at 12:30? What if— 

“Hello?” His dad’s voice was sleepy through the crackle but it was definitely his dad. 

“Dad,” Hawkeye breathed, relief swarming his stomach. “Dad how are you?” 

“Hawkeye?” His voice brightened up. “Hawkeye, how are you doing? Are they treating you well?” 

“I’m coming home, dad. The army is sending me out to the EVAC tomorrow afternoon. I’m be stateside within a week.” 

“You don’t have enough points, Hawkeye. Why are they sending you home?” 

Damn his father, ever the intuitive man. 

“I’m not any use to them as a surgeon anymore dad. I’m okay. Broken arm, broken ankle. But I’m fine. God, it’s so good to hear your voice.” 

“Hawkeye, what’s really the problem?” His father really wasn’t going to make this easy on him, was he? “You wouldn’t be calling me at nearly 1 in the morning to tell me you’re coming home. So, spill.” 

“Well you know how the army works. I didn’t want you thinking I was coming home in a pine box. But I, uh… I’m not going back to Maine for a while. I’m going to stay near San Fransisco with BJ’s family until I can recuperate a bit. I’m just— I’m too busted right now to be going home. I can’t handle the pity of everyone in town.” 

“How long, Hawkeye?” 

Hawkeye looked to BJ for answers who just shrugged. He couldn’t hear Daniel at all from where he was. 

“Couple a months anyway. I’ll get my casts off in San Fransisco and then I’ll go visit you for a while.” His dad was silent for a while and all Hawk could hear was the crackle of static on the other end. “Dad?” 

“I’ll visit you in California, okay Hawkeye? I’ll get a hotel room and I’ll come see you. I love you, Hawk.”

“I love you too, Dad. I’ll see you soon. Why don’t you get back to sleep and I’ll call you when I make it to California.” 

“Alright, Hawkeye. I love you.” 

Hawkeye dumped the phone back in its cradle with a smile on his face. “He’s gonna visit me in California.” 

“See,” said BJ, “you were all worried for nothing. I told you he’d just be glad you’re coming home.”

“Yeah,” Hawk breathed, leaning back in the chair. His face was one of pure bliss. “Yeah.” Hawkeye swiveled himself back and forth. 

Colonel Potter came through the office and paused as he saw Hawkeye in place of Radar. “Good morning, Rip van Winkle. How’re you feeling? That bruise on your face is already looking better.” 

“A bit weighted down but otherwise okay.” He had a bruise on his face?

“What’s got you looking like you cleared the poker tables?”

Hawkeye nodded towards the phone. “Just got off a call with my dad and told him I’m heading stateside. He’s gonna visit me at BJ’s house in California.” 

Colonel Potter squatted down to where Hawkeye could see him better. “You’re not going back to Maine?” 

“Uh, no. I don’t think I could deal with not seeing everyone’s looks of pity back home. I’m going to stay with Peg and Erin probably until she gets sick of me. Or until my casts come off, whichever comes first.” 

“So you’re heading to Maine right off, then.”

BJ doubled over laughing and Hawkeye looked at Colonel Potter mocking hurt. “Sherm, I’m wounded. And you,” he said swatting at BJ, “are no better.” His cast hit BJ on the knee. 

“Ow!” he exclaimed. “Talk about wounded!” His hand rubbed at his knee. “Alright, Hawk. Now that your phone call’s done, where to next?” 

“You’d be best off to avoid the mess tent,” said Potter. “Lunch is like a stone and I believe Margaret’s taken over the tent with the help of Radar for your bon voyage party.” 

“Colonel, who knows that I can’t see?”

“Well,” he mused. “Right now, definitely present company. Possibly Radar. I don’t know how he knows these things, but he probably has an inkling. Other than that, I don’t think anyone else knows you can’t see.”

“Captain, you can’t see?” Klinger asked as he pushed into the office. 

“And Klinger now, apparently,” groused BJ. 

“And Margaret. Well, pass on the word, my Lebanese lunatic. I’m heading home. I’ve got my papers right here,” he said, raising his papers. 

“Your wish is my command, oh sightless one.” 

“Klinger,” Colonel Potter said, halting him in his tracks. “What did you come in here for this time?” 

“To prove to you I’m crazy, Sir. But I have a mission to handle before I crack completely.” He saluted before he pushed back through the post-op doors. 

Colonel Potter shook his head as he watched the door swing shut. “That boy ages me every time he schemes. One of these days I might just send him home just to keep myself from aging any more.” 

“Well you know by tonight, he’s going to come in claiming blindness,” BJ said, leaning against the table top and crossing his arms. 

Potter sighed. “Yeah I know.” He shook his head and stood up, groaning as he did. “Well let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.” 

“You can John Hancock my cast. Radar and BJ already have and I’m gonna see how many I can get tonight at the party.” 

“Well of course I can! Give me that marker, Hunnicutt.” He snatched the markers from BJ’s hand. “Prop your leg up on this chair.” Hawkeye swiveled around and put his foot up on the wheelchair. Colonel Potter took one look at the drawing BJ had penned and barked out a laugh. “That you, BJ?” 

“Of course not. That’s Kilroy,” he smirked. 

Potter rolled his eyes and reached down to write on Hawkeye’s cast. “Sherman T. Potter,” he mumbled as he wrote. “Don’t let Klinger examine that one too closely or he’ll start signing his own section 8.” 

“Sorry Sherm, I don’t think I’m exactly in shape to be fighting him off. Besides, you said it yourself, him leaving could help slow down your aging.” 

“Yeah well I’m not letting him go because he thinks he’s crazy.” He handed over the marker to BJ. “I’ll be in my office if you need me. Just… try not to need me.” 

“We’ll make sure we tell the army to stop sending us wounded,” BJ said with a shrug. “That should work.” 

“Yeah well, if that doesn’t work, let me know but otherwise, don’t bother me until it’s fiesta time.” 

The door swung closed behind him and Hawk rocked back and forth in the chair again, smile still on his face. “You wanna go eat those cookies now? Maybe clean up the tent a bit from my hissy fit?” 

“Lead the way,” BJ said, gesturing to the wheelchair. 

Hawkeye switched over to the wheelchair and slapped the side wheel. “Onward my trusty steed.” BJ started to push him forward until Hawk put his hand on one wheel, turning him around. “Hold it, I need my papers. I don’t want them to disappear like a good dream.” He pulled the papers from the desk and tucked them under his robe tie. “Alright. Good to go.” 

Hawkeye could feel eyes on him as they walked across— well, as he was pushed— across the compound. As much as Hawkeye loved attention though, he wasn’t sure that this was good. These people were his friends and yet he could almost feel the pity rolling off of them. He tried to look aloof as BJ pushed him but all he could feel was the thought that he was letting everyone down. He pasted a smile on his face and kicked his leg back and forth. 

He reached his foot out and pulled the Swamp door open. BJ pushed him through and Hawkeye found his books and magazines all stacked on his bench at the end of his bed. 

“Frank…” 

Frank, who was sprawled out on his bed sneered at him. “It wasn’t my choice. Major Houlihan made me.” 

“Margaret,” Hawk said. “Yeah that makes sense. Well I’d thank you, Frank, but I wouldn’t want you to combust. Also you don’t deserve it.” Hawkeye stood up and hopped to his bunk, dropping himself down into his blanket. “I’m tired.” 

“Yeah, well, sleeping will do that to you,” BJ said. “Especially if you get more than three hours uninterrupted.” 

“I don’t remember the last time I slept that long. I don’t even rest that much on R&R.” He leaned back against his pillow. “Apparently even being comatose doesn’t get you the sleep you need. I’m going to have to learn how to sleep once I get back to the States. Toss me those cookies.” 

BJ dug the tin of cookies from beside his bed. “You ready?” 

Hawkeye held his hands close to his face. “Ready. Toss ‘em.” 

BJ tossed the tin at Hawkeye who barely caught it before it hit his face. “Maybe next time I’ll hand it to you.” 

“No way, Beej. I heard it before I saw it. I’ll be fine. I’ll be catching for the big leagues next. There! That’ll be my new career! Professional catcher.” He swiped a cookie from the tin and bit into it. “Oh that’s good,” he hummed. “Very potent. I’ll have to get Peg to show me how to make these. It’s good to taste something other than lighter fluid from the still.” 

“And good to eat something other than hockey pucks.” 

Hawkeye took another cookie and closed the tin, tossing it back to BJ. The more he ate, the lower he sank onto his bunk, his exhaustion taking over. He took his discharge papers and tossed them on his footlocker. 

“Hawk, you’ve only been awake for a couple hours.” 

“Long, exhausting hours,” he said, pulling his blanket over him. “I can’t get comfortable though with these casts.” He shuffled in place until he found a comfortable enough position to fall asleep in. His breathing slows and the weight of the last few hours disappeared as he slept. 

BJ watched him for a moment before he stood up and walked to the tent door. “You’re going to be very cordial to him if he wakes up while I’m gone, aren’t you, Frank?” Frank glared at him but nodded. “Good. Thank you for picking up his corner.” 

BJ wandered to the latrine before making his way to the mess tent. Margaret was making out a list at one of the tables as he walked in. “Anything I can help with?” 

“What’s this Radar said about Hawkeye not wanting him to trade for decorations? We _have_ to have decorations!” BJ sat down beside her and just stared at her. “What? Don’t look at me like that.” 

“Margaret. He won’t be able to see the decorations anyway.” 

“Oh. Right.” She looked at her paper in front of her. “I already ordered Igor to make a cake. I put Klinger in charge of telling everyone about the party since he was already going around telling everyone that Pierce can’t see.” She looked at BJ to gauge his reaction and finding none, she looked back at her paper. “How much can’t he see?” 

“I’m not sure but anything more than a few feet away seems like it’s out of the question.” 

Margaret rubbed her hand along her arm. “I threw a book at him earlier. I didn’t realize he wasn’t faking it. He was just as crude as ever.” 

“Well, that’s Hawkeye.” 

Margaret sat there, obviously stewing in her thoughts. “Do I really take Frank’s side all the time? Even if — even when he’s wrong?” 

BJ sighed. “Sometimes. Yeah. This time it’s a combination of Frank’s wrong and the military is also wrong, if that help any.” 

“Can you tell me what Frank said that was so bad?” 

Bj wiped his hand down his face. “It isn’t my place to tell, Margaret.” 

“Please? I need to know and I can’t ask him before his party.” 

BJ sighed. “Hawk came over and laid with me in bed because he was cold. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, I just figured he was cold. And when I woke up he was gone. It turns out that when Frank came in, he said something about reporting Hawk and I to get us a blue discharge and leaving was Hawkeye’s perverse way of, in his words, saving me. He didn’t want me to suffer any repercussions of any sort of allegations. And he said he was being discharged no matter what. And since he’s got no job and no prospects, it wouldn’t matter if he died instead. But I have a wife and a career and a daughter to worry about.” 

“Oh my god,” Margaret breathed. 

“He didn’t plan to die, if that’s what you’re thinking. He just said it wouldn’t be the worst thing if he did.” 

“THAT SKUNK! I can’t believe Frank would pull something so low and underhanded. Actually, I can believe it perfectly that he—”

“Margaret.” 

“Would do such a disgusting, bigoted thing. Once I get my—“

“Margaret!”

“Hands on him, oh I swear, I’m going to—”

“Margaret! Stop, please. You’re going to alert the whole camp.” 

“Wring his neck.” She sat back down in her spot and folded her hands placatingly on her notebook. “There. I’m done.” 

“Thank you. Now what can I do to help you for the party tonight?” 

“Nothing. Go hunt down Radar, though. He’s working on something and he needs to talk to everyone before the party starts. Something to do with his gift for Pierce, I think.” 

BJ pressed a kiss to Margaret’s head before he stood up. “Don’t think too hard about it. It’s Hawkeye. Just get him a bottle of good gin and a nurse to smooch on for the night and he’ll be fine.” 

Margaret backhanded BJ’s leg, sending him laughing. “I’m not going to give my nurses to that creep.” 

“There you are,” he smirked. “Don’t worry about Hawkeye. He’s not mad at you. And he said thank you for making Frank clean up his things.” 

“That’s not all I’m going to make him do, the worm.” 

BJ just brushed her shoulder with his hand before turning and walking out the door. 

Now to find Radar. 

He checked in the colonel’s office before wandering through camp. When Radar was nowhere to be found, he checked on Hawkeye once more in their tent before walking down the road. Maybe he was at Rosie’s. The walk to Rosie’s caused a feeling of dread to build in his stomach. He hadn’t been down here since— well, since he found Hawkeye. Since… Father Mulcahy had found Hawkeye. The mine field was just beyond Rosie’s bar. 

He stopped dead in his tracks. Logically he knew Hawkeye was back in camp, sleeping in his bunk. But… 

What if Hawkeye was laying down by the mine field again? 

His feet were stuck to the ground. He was frozen. 

He stood there just thinking; what if Hawkeye was down there? 

He could hear the blood rushing in his ears. His eyes weren’t focusing. Everything was too quiet and deafeningly loud all at once. He was aware of someone saying something but it took a moment for him to focus on who. Or what. 

“BJ, are you okay?” It was Father Mulcahy. “BJ?” 

“Do you know where Radar is? Margaret said something about needing help with his present for Hawkeye.” 

“He’s down at Rosie’s. Are you okay BJ?” 

“I’m fine, Father.” He took a shuddery breath. 

“You can talk about it if you want. I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to see Hawkeye down there. Is that what’s the matter?” 

BJ nodded shakily. “Yeah. I keep thinking ‘what if Hawk’s down there’ and I know it’s dumb because I just checked on him in the Swamp. But, what if he’s down there?” 

Father Mulcahy just set his hand on BJ’s arm. “He’s not down there, BJ. Would you like me to go get Radar for you?” 

BJ shook his head. “I’ve got to be able to go down there for the rest of the war if I need to. Might as well get it out of the way now. Because after tomorrow, I won’t be able to run back to the Swamp to check on him.” He gave Father Mulcahy a smile that was definitely more grimace and he walked down the road to the bar.

_____

Hawkeye woke up in relative silence. He could hear people outside but there was no one in the tent with him. He fumbled around with is casts, trying to unstick the blanket from whatever snags it was caught in. He tossed his feet over the side of the bunk, pulling his blanket to the floor with him. “Damn it,” he muttered, yanking at the blanket once more. 

Once the blanket was back on the bed and not seemingly attached to his cast, he looked around for the wheelchair. _Where did BJ put it?_ He stood up, hopping on his good leg and looked around for it, finally finding it pushed over in the mostly— unused corner of the tent. He sank into the chair and adjusted himself. Now he just had to figure out how to maneuver around everything. 

He grasped the wheels with both hands. As well as he could anyway, what with the cast on his right arm. He rocked the chair back and forth, getting a feel for pushing himself around. He just had to get himself crutches. This was just not going to work. 

He got out of the corner fairly easily, but the stove in the middle of the floor presented quite the problem. He ended up pushing BJ’s cot out of the way and moving his bench into the space by the still. Finally he was able to push himself through the Swamp door and into the compound. He could hear people moving around but no one was even remotely close enough for him to see. 

He slowly wheeled himself towards the hospital, anger festering at how long it was taking him to do even the easiest tasks. Every time he thought he had a good grasp on the wheel, his cast would slip and send him into a turn. He had no more jokes to make. Not now. He had always used humor to cope but humor wasn’t helping him right now. 

He finally made it to the post-op doors and he pushed himself forward through the doors. His arms were aching and his eyes hurt from trying to focus. “I hate this stupid war.” 

One of the nurses, Bigelow based on the perfume, strode towards him from the desk. “What’s wrong, Hawkeye?” 

“Can you get me a set of crutches? This chair is going to drive me to drink,” he said. “More than I already do.” 

She leaned a pair of crutches on Hawkeye’s lap. “We’re real sorry, Hawkeye.” 

“Don’t be. It’s getting me home, isn’t it?” He wobbled as he tried to stand up with the crutches. Nurse Bigelow’s hands wrapped around his arm to help steady him until he found his balance. “Thanks.” 

“Well, I guess so.” 

“Great, then don’t be sorry.” He adjusted his hands on the crutches and walked out of post-op. He didn’t know where he was going but anywhere away from pity was fine by him. It wasn’t her fault any more than it was his fault, any more than it was anybody’s fault. If anyone were at fault here, it would be the U.S. Army for drafting him in the first place. 

He stopped in the middle of the compound. He had no idea when the party was supposed to start but he hoped it was soon. 

“Hawkeye!” Father Mulcahy was approaching him. “I’m glad to see you’re feeling better.” 

“Hi, Father. I’d say I’m glad to see you if you’d come a bit closer.” Father Mulcahy stepped a bit closer. “Oh, Father. How nice to see you. Beautiful day, isn’t it?” 

“Indeed it is,” he said. “I’ll be able to start planting the garden soon. I just wish the nights weren’t so cold still. We had frost on the ground last night. But enough about that. How are you feeling, Hawkeye?” 

“Right now I feel a bit lost. I’m not sure what I should do. Do you need any help with anything?” 

“Well, Hawkeye, I’m not sure I have anything to do either. I was just going to prepare for your party tonight.” Mulcahy grasped his cross with his thumb and forefinger and ran it along its chain. “Is there anything I could help you with?” 

“Could you ask your god to help me see again? I know that’s one of his things.” 

“I did ask Him to help you, Hawkeye. When we found you the other night. I’ll ask again for you, but I feel as though I might have punched in my prayer card this war. I’ll do my best.” 

“I know you will,” Hawkeye said, suddenly feeling a bit guilty. “And that’s all I could ever ask for.” Hawkeye slumped into his crutches and rocked in place. “Do you know where BJ is? He wasn’t in the Swamp when I woke up.” 

“He’s likely getting things ready for your party tonight. Last I knew, he was out helping Radar.” 

“Oh. Alright.” 

“Hawkeye, I can help you in more ways than spiritual. I know BJ was pushing you around earlier. Do you want the wheelchair back?” 

“No! Sorry Father, I just got out of it. I’m not too keen on sitting back down. BJ was a pretty good seeing eye dog though. At least until I get one of my own.” 

“Well I can be your eyes. I am good at leading my flocks.” He nudged Hawkeye’s arm as he smirked. 

“Alright. Can you bring me to the mine field? I want to see where you guys found me the other night and BJ was stalling.” 

Father Mulcahy tensed a bit but nodded. “Of course.” 

“Alright Father Fido. Lead the way.” 

Father Mulcahy walked a step in front and to the side of Hawkeye, leading him down the pathway near Rosie’s. “BJ had trouble walking this way earlier. I think us finding you down there like that really took a toll on him.” 

“I didn’t mean it, you know that, right Father?” 

“Of course I do. But we were all worried about you. I’m not sure who noticed you were gone first, but I do know that Colonel Potter woke BJ up just to find you. No one knows how long you were out there.” 

“When did you find me?” 

“A bit after 4:00.” 

“I figured I left the Swamp a bit after 1:00. It was a while after Frank came in off post-op duty. So less than three hours.” 

“More than two hours out there in that cold and your fever was still at 104 degrees. It’s not hard to imagine why everyone was so worried about you.” Father Mulcahy stopped alongside the mine field. “This is where I found you.” He gestured to the ground. “You were burning hot even in the cold. I ran back to the compound and found BJ and I helped Klinger grab the litter. BJ was running after you before I even finished my sentence.” 

Hawkeye looked at the ground, then to the blurry edge of the mine field. He hadn’t realized how close he was to actually dying. For some reason the thought really didn’t scare him all that much. What if he just…walked in? 

“Let’s head back to the compound then. We can see if we can find BJ,” Father Mulcahy said, leading him up the path. It was as though he could read Hawk’s thoughts. 

Or maybe he was getting information elsewhere. 

Hawkeye took one lingering, blurry look at the mine field and followed Mulcahy up the path. The thought in his mind was clear as day though, and lingered a hell of a lot longer. Father Mulcahy filled the silence with idle chatter as they slowly walked up the path and made it back to the Swamp. 

Hawkeye was nearly out of breath from using the crutches. He sank back onto his cot and just pushed his head back into the pillow with a shuddery sigh. 

“Hawkeye?” Father Mulcahy prompted. 

“I’ve spent two years here and this tent was my home in hell,” he said, tears welling in his eyes. “And now I can’t see anything and I feel like I’ve lost all sense of belonging here. My things don’t feel like my things because I can’t use them. And my family doesn’t really feel like my family because you all pity me. The only one who was treating me normally was Frank and Margaret, for a while, and BJ threatened Frank to leave me alone so even he is tiptoeing around me.” 

“I haven’t tiptoed around you, have I?” 

Hawkeye sighed. “No I suppose not, Father. Radar was his normal Radar self too. But I can’t help but feel as though I’ve lost my purpose. I’m a surgeon. And a damn good one. And now I can’t even diagnose a cold once I get stateside.” 

“You’ll find something to do once you get home, Hawkeye. Helen Keller has been both blind and deaf from the time she was a little toddler and she’s able to travel and give speeches.” 

“She’s had more practice at it than me.” 

“Then practice, Hawkeye. You won’t find anything to do if you’re not searching.” Father Mulcahy put a hand on Hawkeye’s leg and stood up. “I’m going to prepare myself for your farewell party, but I’ll let BJ know you’re looking for him if I see him.” 

“Thank you,” Hawkeye said, staring at the ceiling as the priest walked out. 

He couldn’t see much. The ceiling was a large expanse of olive drab. That’s all he was surrounded by, olive drab and brown— even more than he had ever been before. 

_The walls are closing in. Are they closing in? It’s definitely getting harder to breathe. Where’s all the air?_

The air felt so heavy.

_Am I going to die here?_

His chest hurt and his head ached. His vision was blurring even more. 

“No. No!” 

His heart was racing. His head was pounding. 

He was vaguely aware that his casted leg was hitting his other leg as he thrashed but he had to stop the tent from coming down on him. His arm cast slammed against his face as he moved to push the walls away from him. 

“Pierce?” 

Oh god the walls were closing in, he was suffocating, and now Frank was here. Hawkeye hadn’t lived the most spiritual life but did he truly deserve hell? 

A choked sob ripped from Hawkeye’s throat as the tent ceiling continued its collapse in on him. He heard a grumble and the slamming of the tent door. Frank was gone. An easier death for himself, he supposed. 

He never expected death to be so green and brown. 

The door creaked open again and he could faintly hear BJ calling his name. 

“Hawk, please. Can you hear me?” 

“BJ. BJ, _please,_ ” he gasped. “Help me.” 

BJ’s hands were on him in an instant and his face came into Hawk’s line of vision. “Can you focus on me?” 

Hawkeye nodded jerkily. He could feel BJ’s hands gripping his upper arms so tightly it hurt, but he welcomed the pain. It made him focus despite the fact that he was dying. 

“Can you breathe with me?” he asked, prompting Hawk with deep breaths. “In… and out… Good.” 

“Beej… the walls—”

“—are still standing. You’re okay, Hawk.” He pulled Hawkeye into his arms and Hawkeye immediately slumped into his chest. BJ was wearing his pink Henley. 

_Pink is a nice color._

“You wanna talk about it?” 

Hawkeye’s heart rate was still sky high but his breathing was starting to calm down. “Green.” 

“Green?”

“Too much green. Walls and the ceiling collapsing. Pink is nice.” His fingers traced the buttons. “Pink is nice.” 

“Hawk are you okay?” A nod. “Are you sure?” A pause, then he nodded. “Sidney came to talk to you. Do you want to talk?” 

Pause. No. He shook his head. Hawk could feel BJ brushing back his hair mindlessly but it was comforting. It was a new habit BJ had picked up. He didn’t mind though. 

“What do you need?” 

“Prob’ly a shower,” Hawkeye murmured. “Yeah, a shower.” 

“Can’t get your casts wet. Let’s get to post-op and you can sponge bathe. Unless you want me to bring the stuff to you.” 

“Gotta get out of the green. Can you hand me my crutches?” Hawk’s hands were shaking as he held them out for the crutches. “Hawk are you sure you’re okay? 

He nodded. It took him a couple tries to adjust his hands but he finally stood himself up and pushed his way out of the tent. BJ watched Hawkeye cross the compound to post-op before grabbing a towel and a clean set of clothes and following him. 

By the time he reached post-op with Hawkeye’s shower stuff, Hawk was already sitting on a bed. He had taken off his robe and tossed it to the side and was now sitting in the hospital clothes they had dressed him in. He was wrestling with his shirt, trying to get the sleeve over his cast. He finally yanked it off and threw it on the cot next to him. Leaning back on the bed, he arched his hips to get his pants off before the pants followed the shirt. 

Suddenly this all seemed too intimate to BJ. 

BJ pulled a couple of privacy screens over and arranged them around the bunk. “No need for anyone to walk through here and think about stealing your virtue,” he said with a smirk. 

“Well there’s a big, strong man here I might just give it to willingly,” Hawk shot back as his underwear joined the pile. 

“You could’ve at least waited to strip until I got the water for you,” BJ teased. 

“Well I couldn’t wait to get naked for you dear. So I sent Bigelow to get water for me. Get naked and stand close so I can see you.” 

“Maybe next time,” BJ said. Bigelow passed BJ the bowl of water and walked back to the nurses’ station. “Thanks.” He skirted past the barriers and set the bowl on the bedside table. “Do you need help with anything?” 

“No, Beej. I think I’m a big boy who can wash himself. I’ve done it a time or two.” 

“Well, don’t hesitate to ask for help, okay?” he said, turning around and closing the partition. 

“I won’t,” Hawkeye murmured. It was becoming increasingly obvious that BJ was going to do whatever he had to to make sure Hawk was okay. 

His bath was — well it was a sponge bath; he took his washcloth and he washed himself. He didn’t feel nearly clean enough. 

“Beej?” 

“Yeah, Hawk?” 

“I didn’t bring any clothes.” 

BJ appeared between the partition walls, holding the towel and clothes in his hand. “Luckily for you, I did,” he teased, handing them over. 

Hawkeye took the clothes and set them on the bed before grabbing the water bowl and handing it to BJ. “Can you go replace the water in this? I want to wash my hair.” 

“Course.” 

By the time BJ came back, Hawk was half dressed and waiting on the bunk, rocking back and forth slightly. “Can you help wash my hair now?” 

BJ set the water bowl down on the table behind Hawkeye. “Of course I can. Sit back a bit on the bunk and lean back.” 

Hawkeye did as instructed and closed his eyes as BJ scooped water over his hair. How long had it been since someone else had washed Hawkeye’s hair? Childhood probably. He could get used to this. He handed back the bar of soap and enjoyed the feeling of BJ lathering up his hair. 

All too soon, BJ was rinsing out his hair. _There goes the free massage._ But then came the petting. _Oh the petting._ BJ carded his fingers through Hawk’s hair, untangling any snarls with his fingers before he finally declared Hawk soap free. 

“There. Dry your hair off.” 

Hawkeye sat up and scrubbed his towel over his head before tossing it towards BJ. He snagged the shirt off the other bunk and pulled it over his head, wrestling his cast through the sleeve. 

“Hey Beej?” 

“Yeah Hawk?” 

Hawkeye grabbed BJ’s hand and squeezed it. “Thank you.”


	3. Chapter 3

By the time BJ convinced Hawkeye to sit in the wheelchair, the sun has nearly set. Hawk sinks into the chair and braces the crutches off his cast. He wasn’t going to get stuck wheeling the chair again. BJ pushed him to the mess tent. 

“Congratulations!” 

Hawkeye smiled at everyone. “Thanks everybody.” He looked out at the sea of people and saw that almost no one was wearing their olive drabs. He picked up swirling bits of color as people walked around. He got out of his chair and hugged Margaret. 

“Thank you for the party,” he said against her hair. “Any chance I get a farewell kiss before I go?” 

Margaret smiled at him as she pulled back. “We’ll see. I’m sorry about earlier. You’re right about me taking Frank’s side a lot. He’s a worm and I’ll make him regret it, okay?”

“So BJ told you, huh?” That hurt a bit. 

“Only after I bullied him into it.” 

“Well it’s not your fault,” he murmured as he pressed a kiss against her hair. “So don’t worry about it. If you’re going to worry, you should worry about getting me a drink.” He nudged her in the shoulder before sinking down onto the bench. She rolled her eyes at him but walked away, hopefully to actually get him a drink. 

Hawk laid his crutches against the bench behind him before hearing them clatter to the ground. Oh well. He’d have time to worry about that later. 

People surrounded him and it became increasingly harder to tell who was coming near him at any given time. Drinks were pressed into his hand innumerably and he just barely managed to pass them away before anyone noticed. He drank the one Margaret gave him but that was enough. He wanted to remember this night. 

People came around and made small talk. Radar went and grabbed the marker so everyone could sign his cast. Even Frank came over at one point and was not as annoying as usual. After the cake was passed around and everybody had eaten their share, a single gift was laid in front of Hawkeye. 

“Ahh, a gift from my fan club.” 

“This one’s from all of us, Hawkeye,” said Radar, clasping his hands in front of him as he sat on the bench. “I hope you like it.” 

Hawkeye unwrapped the little bow and reached over to set it on Radar’s cap brim with a soft smile. He was really gonna miss these guys. He opened the little box and found a…book? 

“Uh, thanks guys,” Hawk said. He opened the front page and pulled the book closer to his face.

_To a great captain, fantastic chief of surgery, and an even better friend. We’ll miss you.  
~M*A*S*H 4077 _

His eyes welled up with tears. “Oh,” he breathed, before turning to the next page. A pair of Polaroids stared at him, one of BJ and one of Radar, each labeled with their signature and accompanied by a folded up note slipped into the photo sleeve. They made him a scrap book. 

His fingers reached down and traced the border of each photo. He turned the page. Margaret and Colonel Potter. Each set of pages had different members of the 4077 and each had a note slipped in beneath it. Sidney had a page. The last few pages were filled with group photos they had taken over the years and some pictures of Radar’s pets. 

The tent had fallen silent as he rifled through the pages. “It’s so you can remember what we look like and how much we love you even if you can’t see us and how much we love you,” Radar said. 

“I love it,” Hawk said, wiping away a tear. “I really do. I’m gonna miss you guys so much.” 

“I sorta got you another gift,” Radar said. “I got you on a flight out of Kimpo tomorrow. The chopper’s bringing you straight there and then you’re heading home. Well I think it’s Guam, then Honolulu, then San Fransisco, then home.” 

Hawk threw his arms around Radar, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Aww sir, right in front of everyone? Did you have to—” he paused. “Wounded. Incoming wounded, everybody!” 

The tent cleared out faster than Hawk had ever seen it and he was left at the table alone before he knew it. He reached down beside him to find his crutches gone. The tent was empty and he couldn’t find his crutches. 

Or the wheelchair. Where was the wheelchair? 

His head whipped around as he tried to catch a glimpse of either of them. He needed something. All his colors were gone. He was back to green. He was panicking. 

Before he could panic too badly, his crutches were leaned into his hands. 

“Thought you could use these.” 

“Sid. Oh thank you, Sid.” He eased himself up into the crutches. “Lead me out to the compound.” 

“Are you sure that’s wise, Hawkeye?”

“I’m a doctor, I have to help. I can triage, I promise.” 

“Hawk, you can’t even stand on your own two feet. How about we go back to the Swamp and we talk?” Damn Sidney. His voice was as calm as ever. “There’s only a few patients and they don’t look too bad to me. They’ve got BJ and Colonel Potter working on them. They’ll be fine without you.” 

Hawkeye sunk to the bench. “Yeah, I know.” 

Sidney sat beside him. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

“That’s pretty much it, Sidney. They’re all going to be here saving people, helping people, and I’m going to California to do who knows what for who knows how long?”

“California.”

Hawkeye laid the crutches back down. “Yeah. BJ’s got it all figured out with Peg. I’ll stay with her and Erin for however long until I can handle going back to Maine and dealing with all the pity they’re bound to throw at me.” 

“How do you feel about staying with Peg and Erin?” 

“I like kids just fine and I’m sure Peg is every bit as wonderful as BJ says.” 

“But…?”

“What if they don’t like me?” 

Sidney just stared at Hawkeye. “Is that really what you’re worried about?” 

“What if they get sick of me before I’m ready to leave? Or even worse what if I don’t like them? Or worst yet what if they like me _too_ much? What if Peg decides that I’m better than BJ and she leaves him and it’s all my fault? Not that I could ever be better than BJ.” 

Sidney just smirked at him. “I just think you feel guilty about leaving. If BJ was worried about any of that happening, he wouldn’t have set it up. Why don’t you talk to him when he gets out of surgery?” 

Hawkeye readied his crutches and stood up. “I just want to go back to the Swamp and sleep.” 

“Hawkeye, you’ve slept most of the day away. Let’s talk about what’s really bothering you.” Sidney stood up and walked just far enough in front of Hawkeye so that Hawk could see him as they walked back to the Swamp. 

Hawkeye listened as the ambulance pulled off back down the road. As they made it to the Swamp, Hawk’s crutch knocked against the door as Sidney held it open for him. He stumbled a bit but was able to right himself before unceremoniously dropping himself in BJ’s bunk. His crutches clattered to the ground as he half-laid on the cot. 

“Did you and BJ swap bunks?” Sidney asked, already knowing the answer. 

“I should be in that OR right now with them.” The camp was eerily quiet. “I wanna— I have to go be with them,” he said, turning over and standing up. “Help me get to pre-op.” 

“Hawkeye you know there’s nothing you can do over there with those casts on you but get in the way.” 

He walked over to the door and pushed it open with his crutch before making his way across the compound. He could hear the commotion in pre-op from the Swamp which helped him guide his way. He bumped into Klinger as he pushed through the doors. 

“Captain, what are you doing here?” 

Hawkeye looked around trying to focus on anything beyond Klinger, but it was all too far away. “I— I have to help.” 

Klinger’s face eased into a soft smile. “Yeah, I know you do. Come on, you can come help in post-op. They’ve only got a few boys in there and no one needs surgery. It’s all broken bones and wound suturing. But you and I can go get beds ready for them.” 

Hawkeye followed Klinger to post-op where they helped put clean sheets on the cots. 

“Hey, how’d you get so good at doing that?” 

Hawkeye tucked the corner of the blanket under the mattress. “I short sheet Frank in the dark all the time.” 

“You even got the US on the outside of the blanket, nice.” 

Hawkeye sat down on the bunk. “Yeah that was Frank’s only complaint when I made his bed the other day. Tonight I’m gonna remake his bed and fold the US under again.” 

The first person pushed through the OR doors, awake, walking on his own legs. His arm was casted and he had cuts on his face and a bandage wrapped around his torso, but he was okay. Hawkeye listened to the nurse leading him over to his cot. Able. He was sure she had a hand on the boy’s back and was coaxing him gently to his cot. She was a good nurse. 

Hawkeye leaned back on the cot and put his head on the pillow. One by one, the patients all came out and were set in their cots. Frank was out of OR first, following Margaret around, who was doing her work and ignoring Frank simultaneously. Potter came through next, checking on his patient before sitting by the bunk Hawkeye was on. 

“He’s finishing up the last boy in there and then he’ll be out.” 

Hawkeye nodded. “How bad were they?”

“They all got local anesthesia so we could reset their bones but nothing was bad enough that they had to be put under. They sat there talking and joking the whole time. I’m not even sure why Battalion Aid didn’t fix ‘em up.” 

Joking in OR. That was supposed to be his job. 

Hawkeye nodded. “Good. Someone has to be able to take over my job. Granted it shouldn’t be the patients, but how will anyone live up to my humor?” 

Potter clapped a hand on his thigh. “No one will, son. You know that, right? No matter who they bring in here, nobody will ever replace your spirit. Or your friendship.” 

Hawkeye turned his head away from him. 

“Pierce, you do know that, don’t you? You’re only replaceable to the army, you’re not replaceable to any of us on camp, any of us that matter.” When he didn’t receive an answer from Hawkeye, he removed his hand from Hawkeye’s leg and stood up. “Well, I think BJ’s just about done in there. Goodnight Hawkeye.” 

“G’night, Colonel Potter,” Hawk mumbled in return. 

He was nearly asleep on the cot the next time the door opened. A wheelchair was being wheeled through and brought to a bed. He could hear the clattering sounds of cleanup when the doors opened. The boys that had come in off the line were starting to talk to one another. Finally BJ came back through, stopping to check on his patients. 

BJ slowly made his way over to Hawkeye’s bed and sat on the stool next to him. “Hey Hawk.”

“I’m awake,” he mumbled. 

“Yeah, just barely. You wanna stay here for the night or head back to the Swamp? I can grab the wheelchair if you don’t wanna walk.” 

“Swamp. But I can walk,” he said, sitting up. “On the upside though, I can go with my eyes closed. It won’t make much of a difference.” He fumbled around for his crutches, grabbing at them as BJ held them near his hands. 

The walk was slow going but BJ stayed right in step with him. His hand pressed against Hawkeye’s lower back as he reached around him to open the door. Hawkeye stumbled in and sat on his cot. 

“I’m so tired. I’m going to hang a do not disturb sign on my eyelids and sleep until I hit San Francisco and Peg picks me up. I have to be awake for that, of course. I have to give a good first impression to her and Erin.” 

“Yeah, wouldn’t want to scare her away with your snoring.” 

“Snore? I don’t snore! But I do sleep talk and that’s considerably more concerning.” He peeled off his pants, wrestling them over his cast and tossed them into his corner. “Who knows what kinda flirtation happens then?” 

“Oh, I’ve heard it. You’ve yet to convince anyone of anything but insanity while you’re sleeping.” 

“Well at least I’m convincing. I should teach Klinger a thing or two before I get out of here.”

BJ slipped off his own clothes and tossed them on his bench before pulling on a clean set. He climbed into his bunk and burrowed into his blanket. “You know Hawk, you’d be a bit warmer if you put some pants on.” 

Hawkeye just sat there looking towards BJ, who just sighed at him and lifted his blanket. 

“Come on, climb in.” 

Hawkeye hopped over to BJ and climbed into the cot with him. He laid on his stomach, tossing his good leg over BJ’s and slinging his casted arm up over their heads. 

“Comfortable?” 

Hawkeye looked up at BJ, whose face was soft as he looked back at him. 

“As comfortable as I can be. Thanks.” 

BJ’s arm wrapped around Hawkeye and held him close. “Anything for you.” 

Hawkeye laid awake as BJ fell asleep. The rise and fall of his chest was soothing as Hawkeye drew circles on BJ’s sternum. 

What was he doing here? His own bed was four feet away and he was laying with his male, married bunkmate. And then he was going home to said bunkmate’s house for an indeterminate amount of time. 

He heard someone walk up to the tent door and stand in the open doorway. There was Frank. 

“Don’t worry, Frank. We’re both clothed.” 

He heard Frank inhale sharply in surprise before stepping in and shutting the door. “Margaret— Major Houlihan, that is— has brought it up to me that perhaps I might need to apologize.” 

“Frank, you really don’t—” 

“No, I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong.” 

Hawkeye turned around and sat up, tossing his legs over the edge of the bed. “Frank, you really don’t need to apologize to me. I’m being discharged and I’m not going to ever be a doctor again. A blue discharge isn’t going to change that. But you do need to apologize to BJ. He knows what you said and he’s got a lot more to lose than I do and— turn on the light and come closer so I can see you— and I don’t need your pity. You’d never apologize to me any other time, don’t bother now.” 

“Pierce—”

“Frank if you would have said what you said last week, would you have apologized?” 

Frank at least had the audacity to look uncomfortable. “Well, no.” 

“Then don’t do it now. You’re a disgusting bigot and you’re hateful and spiteful. So don’t apologize to me because Margaret told you to and you’ll do anything for her. Do it because you want to be a better person.” 

Frank looked like a child who had been reprimanded— as he should. Hawkeye looked towards his bunk. His leg was aching and his bunk seemed so far away. He sighed, turning back over and situating himself on BJ’s bunk. He could hear Frank rustling into his pajamas and crawling under the sheets. BJ’s breathing was still slow and deep. 

BJ’s arms immediately pulled him closer once he laid down and Hawkeye couldn’t help but lean into the touch. He situated his arm so that it didn’t hang off the bed. He threw his arm over his head, his fingers brushing BJ’s hair. It would be so easy to play with his hair right now but Frank was right across the tent. And BJ’s married. 

He pushed his hand away from BJ’s hair and curled farther into his chest. His breathing was slow. The camp was quiet, save for Frank tossing and turning in his cot. So why couldn’t he sleep? 

This was the closest he had ever been to BJ. Frank could report them. Even as Frank’s breathing petered out, Hawkeye remained wide awake. BJ’s hand began to stroke his waist, his fingers trailing up and down his side. This wasn’t fair to BJ. Hawk was using him because of his emotional dependency. BJ was married and had a wife back home. A wife who he was probably dreaming about right now.

“Hawk, I can feel you thinking, go back to sleep,” BJ mumbled against his head. 

So he wasn’t dreaming about Peg anyways, that helped Hawkeye’s conscious a tiny bit. 

“Can’t. I’ll just move to my bunk so I don’t disturb you.” Hawk moved to turn around and sit up but he was held in place by BJ’s arms. “Beej, let me up.” 

“Not ’til you go to sleep.” 

“What if I have to pee?” 

“Hold it,” BJ said, maneuvering Hawkeye back into place. “Go to sleep.” BJ nuzzled his head into Hawkeye’s hair and promptly fell asleep. 

Hawkeye leaned into BJ and closed his eyes. The rise and fall of BJ’s chest was comforting. Hawkeye breathed to match his breath with BJ’s. Eventually he fell asleep, curled into BJ’s side. 

_____

By the time Hawkeye woke up, BJ was wide awake, watching him. 

“You enjoy the show?” 

“Absolutely. You’re much quieter when you sleep. Once you finally get to sleep, that is.” BJ had a smile already on his face. 

“It’s too early to be so smiley,” Hawkeye said, closing his eyes again. 

“No, no,” BJ said, tickling Hawkeye’s ribs. “It’s nearly noon. Time to wake up. Your chariot’s gonna be here soon. And you still have to pack.” 

“I have two years worth of things to shove between my footlocker and my pack. I don’t have the faculties to do that.” 

BJ half pushed Hawk off the bed, allowing him to turn over enough so he didn’t land on his cast. “Up and at ‘em, beautiful. Food, then we pack.” 

“How many other guys are you calling beautiful? I can’t be the only one.” 

“You’re the only man for me, darling,” BJ said with a smile. “Now get up and get some pants on.” He held his hand out for Hawkeye to pull himself up with. They locked hands and BJ pulled him up, balancing him as he wavered on one foot. 

Hawkeye grabbed his robe and slid it on, half tying it around himself. “It’s warm enough out there by now. Do I really need pants?” He sank onto his cot. 

“It could be. But do you really want to chance it?” 

“Yes.” 

BJ stretched his arms and stood up. “Alright, crutches or wheels?” 

“My carriage, good sir.” 

BJ opened the door and grabbed the wheelchair. “Frank brought it over from the mess this morning as part of his apology to me. Any idea what that was about?” 

Hawk had the decency to at least look perplexed. “What? No. Frank apologizing? It was cold here a few days ago but I wouldn’t say enough that hell had frozen over.” 

BJ rolled the wheelchair over to Hawk who dropped himself into it. “Hawk, I heard you last night. Your loud mouth carries — especially across the two and a half feet away from my ears that you were.”

“Yeah well I didn’t want to have to like Frank. Because he would have explained things with his apology about who he is and why he is the way he is, deflecting blame. And then he would have become human and I just can’t handle that thought. His apology for me was an apology of pity and deference to Margaret, not because he wanted to apologize to me. He hates me, who I am, and what I stand for.” 

“Right now you’re not standing for much,” BJ snickered. 

“Yeah well last time I stood for something, I broke my ankle. So I’m done doing that for at least eight weeks. I’m done having principles.” 

“You had principles?” 

Hawkeye leaned back and hit BJ with his cast. BJ just laughed and pushed the wheelchair through the door. 

“You’re going to wear the tread on this thing unevenly, leaning in it like that.” 

“That’s the army’s problem,” Hawk said. “And after today, I won’t be.” He sat in the wheelchair, casted leg draped over his other knee, bouncing his leg. “What time is the chopper supposed to get here?” 

“Supposed to be around one o’clock. But at this rate, he’s gonna be waiting on you to pack your things.” 

“What’s for breakfast?” 

“Lunch.”

Hawkeye nodded and used his foot to open the door and BJ pushed him through. He was wheeled to a table and set at the end without a chair. 

“I’ll get us both food, be right back.” 

Hawkeye nodded at BJ before turning to Klinger at the table, who had moved closer to him. “So, tried using blindness as an out from the army yet?” 

“Naw. Didn’t seem right, Captain. You’re suffering, I’m not gonna use your suffering for my gain.” 

“Go ahead. Maybe it’ll get you out of here too.” 

Klinger sat up straight. “Really? Maybe I’ll try it once you’re out of here. Gotta find a plausible story though or it’ll be a no straight away.” 

“Oh, yeah,” encouraged Hawkeye. “Poke your eye out during watch tonight, that’ll show them. Actually go blind and there’ll be no way they’ll keep you here.” 

“Yea— hey wait a minute. You’re teasing me.” 

“Of course I am. But I truly hope that one of your cons works eventually. Then you’ll be crazy and home free.” BJ set his tray in front of him and he grabbed for his fork and slapped the food on his tray. “Creamed corn. Canned, of course.” He raked his fork across the tray, making it screech. “Nope. I hated that.” He prodded at a piece of… bread? Maybe? “Is this some sort of hamburger monstrosity?” 

“Yep, last week’s meatloaf on this week’s rock hard bread.” 

“You make it sound so delightful, Beej. Forget being a doctor, you should be a restaurant critic when you get back home.” He pulled the burger up to his face to sniff it before taking a bite out of it anyway. 

“You should be the restaurant critic. Between smell and taste, you’ve got the most colorful ideas of food. Restaurants should quake amongst your daring comparisons of food.” 

“Five stars. Indefinitely better than food provided to the M*A*S*H 4077th by the U.S. Army in Uijeongbu, Korea,” Klinger mocked. “Yeah, I can see that working out for you, Captain. And you don’t need your eyes to taste.” 

“Ah, but how will I critique their presentation? What if the plate tastes miraculous, but there’s a bit of parsley out of place that I can’t see? That could tank the whole review.” Hawk was nearly finished his burger but was pushing the corn around on his plate. “The corn smells off.” 

“It’s army food.” 

“It’s a festering petri dish is what it is.” He pushed the tray away and grabbed the wheels on either side of his chair. “Off to pack. I can get something to eat in Kimpo. Actually—” he took his hands off the wheel. “Is there any cake left over from last night? That was actually good cake.” 

“I can ask Igor for you, Captain,” Klinger said, standing up and grabbing both their trays. BJ was still trying to shovel his food into his mouth before Hawkeye pulled him away again. Klinger’s dress brushed across Hawkeye’s hand as he reached for the tray. 

“Oh, silk again?” 

“Picked it out just for you, _mon capitaine._ ” 

Hawkeye’s hand reached out and grabbed the fabric as Klinger walking away gently tugged it from his fingers. “He doesn’t wear a lot of green, does he?” 

“No, reds are more flattering to him, I think. He chooses those and pinks. Lots of whites.” 

“He looks nice in green. He hasn’t worn that one since Henry. Henry…” he trailed off, musing. “Beej, what if my plane gets shot down too?”

“Your plane isn’t going to get shot down, Hawk,” he said, pushing his now clear tray away from him. “You’re gong home and you’re going to annoy my wife with how bad of a patient you are. And you’re going to write me letters about how they’re all doing, Waggles included, of course. And you’re going to survive, Hawk.” He set his hand on top of Hawkeye’s on the table. “Besides, I’ve already decided you’re going to die when I smother you with a pillow to shut you up.” 

Hawkeye smirked. “I could say the same about your snoring, dearest.” 

Klinger walked back up beside him. “Bad news, Cap. There’s no cake left.” 

“That’s alright, Klinger. I’ve gotta go back and get packed for home anyway. Thanks anyway.” He put his hands on the wheels of his chair again. “Hey, Klinger.”

“Yeah?” 

“Green suits you, you should wear it more often,” he said, pushing himself away. He heard BJ scramble to follow him, his knees knocking the table as he stood up. 

Klinger sent him a soft smile. “Thanks, Hawkeye. I’m gonna miss ya. Tell Toledo I’ll see ‘em soon.” 

BJ fell in step beside Hawkeye as they went back to the Swamp. “I can push you if you want.” 

“Nah, no thanks, I got it. But you would think the army would provide wheelchairs that are a little easier to wheel by yourself, wouldn’t you? Never mind, this is the U.S. Army. They can’t handle the basic amenities, let alone supplies that would make life easier.”

BJ stepped in front of Hawkeye to open the door, letting Hawkeye push himself into their cramped quarters. 

“You know, it would be easier for me to move this stove out of here now, but it won’t be taken out until I’m gone. A tragedy. Anyway can you help me clean this mess up? I leave my nudist mags to Radar. I won’t need those any more and Frank won’t appreciate them like he should. My books— man, should I bring my books home? Or should I donate them to the orphanage or Father Mulcahy or even the library? These are _my_ books. I’ve had them the entire time I’ve been here.” He walked on his cast, pain and plaster be damned. He stroked the cover of the books. “I gotta take these home.” He grabbed them and sat on his bed, tossing his legs over to the other side. 

“Hawk, don’t walk on your cast, please.” 

Hawkeye ignored him as he hoisted his footlocker towards him and opened his lock. He eased himself off the bed and to the floor, pulling things to his face to see them better. He sorted things between a few different piles, the piles each being shuffled to different places until BJ lost track of which piles were which. 

“Can I help?” 

Hawkeye looked around at his scattered piles. “I… don’t know. Can you get me a drink?” 

BJ moved around the piles and grabbed the carafe and poured out a pair of drinks, handing one down to Hawkeye. Hawkeye downed the entire drink in a matter of seconds. “Hawk?” 

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this.” He held out the martini glass to BJ. “More?” 

“I’m not sure you should, Hawk. Can we talk about whatever’s bothering you? If you don’t want to talk to me, I can go get Sidney.” 

“Is Peg going to like me?” Hawkeye wasn’t looking at him. “Or Erin?” His head was rocking as he stared at his empty footlocker. 

“Is that what’s worrying you?” 

“I have a lot of things worrying me, Beej! I’m going to live with a woman who’s married to my best friend but I don’t actually know. And she doesn’t know me. What if she decides she doesn’t like me? Or what if all your nosey neighbors start assuming things because a strange, unmarried man is living with a woman whose husband is over in Korea? I can’t ruin Peg’s reputation. What if your marriage falls apart because of me?” 

BJ sunk down to the floor beside Hawkeye. “Is that really what’s bothering you? Peg already loves you. If she didn’t think she’d like you, she’d only let you stay a day or two. She told me on our phone call that she’s setting up the guest bed for you and you’re welcome to stay as long as you’d like.” 

“But she’s never met me. She doesn’t know me.” 

“She should know you pretty well, as often as I talk about you in my letters. And you know me well enough to know I wouldn’t lie about you like that. Peg and I don’t have any secrets from each other. We talk everything out with each other first, no matter how long that takes with the Army Postal Service.” 

Hawk nodded, staring into space. 

“Okay? She’s gonna love you. And Erin will be just fine. She’ll love you too.” 

Hawkeye nodded, starting to pack some of his things back into his footlocker. Can you grab some more of my stuff for me? Just set it on the bed.” 

BJ went over to the side wall and set things on the bed in piles. He grabbed items from the shelving unit and set those on the bed, fluttering around the room to stack Hawk’s possessions within arms’ reach of him. He hoisted the stacks of nudist magazines out of the way so Hawk had more room to work, stacking them on his bench. 

Frank walked in and looked at the stack of magazines on the bench and leered. “Disgusting.” 

“They’re yours if you want them, Frank. If not, they’re going to Radar.” 

“Is there anything respectable in here?” 

Hawk shrugged from the floor. “I don’t know. Why don’t you look through them and find out?” 

Frank dubiously looked through the magazines, grabbing only the corners. His face grew more and more red the farther through the pile he got. “Oh, this one looks nice,” he said, pulling out a Life magazine. 

“What? They’re all nude mags.” 

“Life Magazine.” 

Hawkeye’s head jerked up. “You can’t have that one!” 

“Well why not, Pierce? You said I could have any of them.” He thumbed through the pages.

“Any of them but that one. I need that one.” 

Frank looked at the wide spread of pictures of Maine and stared at them. He slowly turned to the next page, looking at the spread of tall pine trees. 

“Please, Frank.” 

Frank thumbed through the next few pages, all pictures of Maine, and tossed the magazine on the bed. “Yeah, well, there’s nothing in there that interests me.” He turned to his bunk as Hawkeye grabbed around for the magazine and clutched it to his chest. 

Hawkeye skimmed through the pages until he found the spread he was looking for and pulled the magazine up to his eyes, staring at the pages. _Home._

BJ looked over to Frank, who was watching from his bunk. _Thank you_ , he mouthed. 

Frank just looked down into his book, but the tips of his ears turned red. 

Hawkeye set the magazine carefully in his footlocker and continued packing his things in around it. He grabbed his duffel bag and started tossing clothing in there as he came across them. Bit by bit the piles around him diminished into nothingness. He closed the top of his footlocker and leaned on it, latching it closed and locking it. 

“I think I’m done,” he said, pushing himself back onto his bunk. 

“You’re going to ruin all that hard work I did on your casts, you know.”

“The arm cast should be cured by now. And I don’t think I’m treating the leg cast too badly yet.” 

BJ sat on the edge of his bunk and stroked Hawkeye’s hair gently. “You just walked on it.” 

Hawkeye looked around fruitlessly, his eyes still searching for something. 

“What are you look—”

“My scrapbook. Where’s my scrapbook?” He stood up and teetered on one leg, using his shelving to brace himself. “Where is it?” 

“Did you bring it back here last night?” 

“No, I— I was talking to Sidney and we came this way and then we went to pre-op. I didn’t have it. I don’t— Does Sidney have it?”

“Do you want to go find out?” 

Hawkeye nodded, hopping over to the wheelchair and dropping in. BJ grabbed the handles of the wheelchair and pushed the wheelchair over to the VIP tent. Hawkeye leaned forward and rapped against the door with his cast. 

The door opened and Sidney stood in the doorway. “To what do I owe this pleasure? Shouldn’t you be getting ready to go home?” 

“Have you seen my scrapbook?” 

“We left it in the mess last night when you stormed out back to the Swamp.” 

Hawkeye felt his heart lurch to his throat. “Okay, thanks Sid.” 

BJ pulled the wheelchair back and turned Hawkeye around. “Where to next?”

“Maybe Father Mulcahy’s seen it?” 

BJ pushed the wheelchair toward the priest’s tent. Hawkeye was wringing his fingers around each other. What if they didn’t find it? It was the best gift he’d ever gotten and he’d already lost it. His hand started scratching the back of his other hand and it was enough to pull him out of the cascading spiral of his mind. 

“You gonna knock?”

Oh, they were in front of Father Mulcahy’s tent already. He reached over and knocked against the door and leaned back into the chair. 

“Oh Hawkeye! Good afternoon!” 

“Hi Father. Sorry to skip the pleasantries but have you seen my scrapbook?” His hands were at his dog tags, dragging them back and forth across the chain. 

“Yes, I have!” he said, causing Hawkeye to immediately fall slack in the chair. “I went back to the mess tent after finding I wasn’t needed to help you back to your tent and I found it on the table. I’m sorry we all left you alone so quickly, Hawkeye. I didn’t even think—”

Hawkeye reached his hands out to where he hoped— assumed— that Francis’s hands were. “Don’t worry yourself too much, Father. Sidney drove me home and walked me to the porch. I’m just so grateful you grabbed the scrapbook.” He gave Francis’s hands a gently squeeze. 

“Anything for you, Hawkeye. After all you’ve done here, the least I could do was keep your going away present safe. Especially since I know the time and effort Radar put into it.” He took a few steps back and grabbed the book from his table. “I left it with my Bible to keep it safe.” 

Hawkeye reached out to grab the book Francis set in his hands and tucked it in the seat beside him. He stood up, leaning against the doorframe and pulled Francis into a hug. “I’m gonna miss you, Francis. You’re a beam of light in a dark place.” 

Francis blushed a bit at Hawkeye’s words as he wrapped his arms around him. “I’m glad I could grant you a reprieve in such a dismal place. I’ll be praying for you Hawkeye; for your health and for your safe passage home.” 

“I’m sure you will, Father,” he said with a smile, leaning back just enough to look at the priest’s eyes. “Thank you.” He let go and sat back into the chair, cradling the book against his chest. 

BJ pushed Hawkeye across the compound, scooting him out of the way of a jeep racing around the compound. “I think your ride’s here. You gonna think about putting pants on finally?” 

Hawkeye glared at his leg cast. “Only if you snag me a pair of scrub pants. Some scrubs and my robe and I’ll be on my way to the U.S.A.”

“You’re gonna fly home in scrubs?” 

“Well it’s either that or my boxers. While boxers may impress the ladies, it won’t when it gets chilly.” 

BJ threw his head forward laughing, stumbling over his feet as he bent in half over Hawkeye’s shoulder. “Yeah, I’ll get the scrubs for you.” He stood back up and pushed Hawk through the door to the Swamp. “I’ll be right back.” 

Hawkeye grabbed his pack and slid the scrapbook in. He didn’t care anything about his trunk and his laundry bag belongings, but his pack was going in the plane cabin with him. He stared at his now mostly-empty pack. Was there anything else he wanted on the plane with him? 

Well, idealistically, BJ. Realistically, he didn’t want anything to happen to his magazine.

He shifted himself over to his bed and pulled his footlocker towards him, thumbing in the combination. The Life Magazine made its way alongside his scrapbook. He closed the lid and locked it again.

BJ came back with his pants. Everything was moving too fast now. He wasn’t ready to go home. 

“You okay?”

“How am I supposed to go home now when all my friends are here, dead, or dead to me? Especially since my _best_ friend is here.” 

“Yeah, however will you survive without Margaret?” 

“ _You’re_ my best friend, you dolt! What do you say to one more drink for old time’s sake?” 

BJ grabbed the carafe he had refilled earlier and poured out a drink in each of their martini glasses and handed one to Hawkeye. “One more before you hit the road.” 

“I’m really gonna miss you,” Hawk said, draining half of his drink. 

“I’ll see you when I get stateside. You will be living in my house, after all.” 

“Yeah, maybe you’re right. I hope we _do_ see each other again. But just in case we don’t, I want you to know how much you’ve meant to me.” He drained the rest of his drink, waited for BJ to finish his, then stood up and launched himself at BJ. “I’ll never be able to shake you.” 

BJ’s hand came up to clasp the back of Hawkeye’s head. “I’m gonna miss you. _A lot_. I can’t imagine what this place is gonna be like now without you.” BJ pulled back and grabbed a note from his bed, handing it to Hawkeye. “Read this when you get to California, okay?”

“Is it a love note?”

“Of sorts,” BJ said, smirking. “I’ll see you when I get home, okay? C’mere.” He pulled Hawkeye into another hug before pulling back to look at Hawk. 

_Oh shit_ , Hawk thought, as he looked into BJ’s eyes. _There’s that future thing he was talking about._

He stepped back and tucked the note in his pack. “I’ll see you at home.” 

“No making babies until I get back,” BJ said. Jokingly? 

Hawkeye’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Yeah, okay.” He grabbed his crutches and shoved his travel papers in his pocket. “Make it home safe, okay? I’m not sure I can handle being outnumbered by estrogen for too long.” He slung his pack over his shoulder and walked out the door, BJ following with his footlocker. 

The Farewell Committee was lined up by the jeep. Margaret, Colonel Potter, Radar, and Klinger. A few of the nurses. BJ tossed his footlocker in the back of the jeep, which was followed by Frank tossing in his laundry bag. 

BJ looked at Frank in surprise as he made his way to the end of the Farewell Line. 

Colonel Potter stepped forward as Hawkeye draped himself into the jeep seat, propping his leg up on the dash. “Well I can’t say that it’s been fun, but I’m sure glad you were here to make it all a whole lot easier. This war’s gonna be even more like hell without you here.” 

Hawkeye sat up in his seat and saluted Colonel Potter. “I’m gonna miss you, Sherm. It’s been real nice knowing you.” 

Colonel Potter stepped back and Radar stepped forward, holding a teddy bear. “I’m really gonna miss you, Hawkeye.” He stepped even closer, just outside of Hawk’s clear vision. “I was gonna give you my bear to take with you, ‘cause it makes me feel good, and I thought maybe it’d make you feel good too, but I gotcha a new one instead, just like mine, only new. I managed to trade pretty cheap for it and everything.” 

Hawk took the bear as it was held out to him. Good ol’ Radar. He set the bear in the seat beside him and tucked him in as close as he could. “He’ll be right beside me the whole way. All the way to Mill Valley.” He gestured Radar closer and pulled him into a hug. “Keep your head down, chin up, and keep your nose out of trouble. Listen to your Uncle BJ. I don’t want any letters saying you’ve been bad,” Hawk joked. He pressed a kiss to Radar’s cheek. “I’m gonna miss you, kid.” 

Radar crinkled his nose at the kiss, wiping it away as he stepped back. “Aw, sir, wasn’t last night’s kiss enough?” 

Klinger stepped forward and unwrapped a scarf from around his neck and looped it around Hawkeye’s. “Now, green is not as flattering on you as it obviously is on me,” he paused. “But I think you look damn good, Cap. If you make it to Toledo, tell them I’ll see ‘em soon, okay?” He pulled Hawkeye into a hug and planted his own kiss on Hawkeye’s cheek. “And if you don’t care much for the scarf.” He pulled out a red piece of fabric from his clutch. “Then here’s my lucky bandana. May it help you in all your future endeavors.” 

“Make sure you send me photographs of your new outfits as you make them, okay? And if you get that Section 8, stop by BJ’s house and say hi before they straight jacket you and ship you to Toledo.” Hawkeye grabbed the bandana and slipped it into his robe pocket. Thinking of the wind, he took it out and put it in his pack, along with the teddy bear. The teddy bear poked his head out of the pack opening. “These are riding with me the whole way to San Francisco. I’ll keep them right by my side.” 

Klinger nodded agreeably and stepped back in line. 

Frank stepped forward slightly, not nearly close enough for Hawkeye to be able to see him. “Pierce, you’re a disgrace of a soldier and should never have been in the army.” 

“Oh, I agree, Frank. I tried to tell the army that and run but they caught me in a large butterfly net and hauled me here.” 

“ _But_ , you’re a damn good doctor.” He stepped back in line. 

Hawk felt a bit of warmth in his chest, and for Frank of all people. “Thanks, Frank. I hope you get stateside soon. Try not to stop in.” 

Margaret was the last to step forward. “Pierce.” 

“Margaret.” 

She stepped right into his field of view, grabbing Klinger’s scarf at the end. “You’re going to make a much better civilian than you ever would a soldier.” 

“I’m inclined to agree,” he said, watching her face as she leaned in closer. 

Just as Hawkeye was able to focus on her eyes, she kissed him. It wasn’t a rough kiss, or a steamy kiss. It was a little too persistent to be purely platonic, but it was sweet. Her hands used the scarf to pull him closer before she released Hawkeye’s lips and stepped back. “Goodbye, Hawkeye.” 

Hawk looked over to where he thought Colonel Potter was standing. “Oh, c’mon, Sherm. You gotta let me stay after that.” 

“No can do, Pierce. You’re heading home.” 

The rumble of the jeep stopped any more joking from Hawkeye. He looked toward BJ who had been leaning against the jeep the whole time. 

“You ready to go?” Hawkeye shook his head, making BJ chuckle sadly. “Take care of Peg and Erin for me, just like I would, okay? Just like I would.” 

“Of course.” 

BJ pulled Hawkeye into a hug. “I’ll see you when I get home.” 

Hawkeye leaned back into his seat as BJ let go and nodded. The jeep shifted into gear and pulled away from the center of the compound, leaving Hawkeye turned around in his seat, fruitlessly searching for a glimpse of his friends, his family. 

“See you soon, Hawkeye,” shouted BJ through cupped hands. 

Hawkeye’s head darted towards the noise and he waved, wondering if his friends were waving back. 

If he could see, he would’ve seen BJ’s heart break.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to Glitter @GlitterBree for use of her OC Michael Salucci!

When Hawkeye arrived at Kimpo Air Base, the first thing that happened was that he was immediately assigned a travel partner. He wasn’t asked if he wanted a baby sitter, it was just assumed that since he couldn’t see, he’d need help. 

A correct assumption, but they could have at least asked him first. 

At least the kid was nice and didn’t do anything to or for Hawk without him asking. He introduced himself as Sergeant Michael Salucci. The kid was still green, that much was obvious. His uniform fit him well. Too well to have been here long and eating army food. The kid was more than glad to stay close enough to Hawkeye so he could make out the shape of him. Their plane arrived and he carried Hawk’s footlocker and his clothing sack to get loaded up while Hawk slung both his own and Michael’s packs over his shoulder and made his way to the plane. At least his own pack was relatively light. 

The pair boarded the plane together and Hawk had plenty of time to think while everyone was getting situated. He held his pack on his lap, much to the complaint of some people around him. But this wasn’t a civilian plane and he didn’t have to follow civilian regulations. But a pretty stewardess probably could have talked him into it. 

“You okay there, Hawkeye?” 

Hawkeye’s hands were clenched around the pack, his fingernails biting into the fabric. “Yeah I’m good, I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

“Methinks he doth protest too much.” 

“I don’t wanna talk about it until we’ve passed it.” 

“Talking about it might help,” Michael said, setting his arm on Hawk’s. 

Hawkeye was starting to shake. His chest felt tight and his heartbeat was pulsing in his ears, but he nodded. “I had a commanding officer— Henry Blake— and he got his discharge and he was heading home. He was such a good guy, Henry was. He was heading home to his wife and kids and he was so excited. We got pulled into surgery not long after he left and we were all working and it was all okay and then Radar came in and told us his plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan and he died. He was on his way home and he died right here. Right after leaving Korea. He could be under us right now and we wouldn’t even know it.” _Why did he sit near a window seat?_

Michael’s hand pressed a little more insistently on Hawkeye’s arm. “We’re okay. Soon we’ll be about half way to Japan, and then we’ll be all the way in Japan for one more quick pick up before we head to Guam.” 

“But then there’s the trip from Japan to Guam. Then Guam to Hawaii, then Hawaii to San Francisco. There’s so much space between Korea and the U.S. and I’d rather not end up in the bottom of the ocean somewhere. I told my dad I’d see him soon, and I told BJ I’d see him when he gets home, but what if I never make it home?” 

“We’ll make it and you’ll see your family too.” He grabbed at Hawk’s hands and eased them off his pack. “What’s in the pack that you can’t let go of? The rest of your outfit?” He gestured to the scarf around Hawkeye’s neck. 

Hawkeye’s hands were shaking as he worked at the buckle. “Going away gifts from my friends.” He pulled out the bandana and tucked it in his robe pocket. “That was Klinger’s good luck bandana his mom gave him.” The teddy bear came out next. “This was from Radar. It’s just like his and he said it would give me comfort just like his does for him. He’s a sweet kid.” He set the bear aside and pulled out the scrapbook, BJ’s note resting on top. “Here’s a note from BJ that he told me to read once I got stateside. And the camp gift for me— this scrapbook.”

He passed the scrapbook over to Michael, who took it, laying his hands on the cover, with a smile. He could feel the amount of love that went into this. “Do you mind?” 

“No go ahead. I can’t see it without holding it right up to my face.” 

Michael opened the cover and looked at the note on the front page. _To a great captain, fantastic chief of surgery, and an even better friend. We’ll miss you. ~M*A*S*H 4077_ “M*A*S*H 4077, huh?”

Hawkeye nodded.

“That’s where I’m being sent once I get back. Is it a good place?” 

Hawkeye smiled. “As good as you’re gonna get in Korea. You’ll meet the best people there. Unfortunately you’ll also have to meet Frank Burns, who is the worst.” 

Michael laughed and flipped the page. Two pictures stared at him— a blond man on the left, and a smaller man with glasses on the right. “Radar O’Reilly.” 

“Camp clerk. He got his nickname from— okay so this might sound weird, but the kid has otherworldly abilities, okay? He knows what you’re gonna say before you even say it. He’s not very educated but he’s super smart. He’s a bit naive but he’s lovable.” Hawkeye leaned over trying to catch a glimpse of the picture but only caught Michael’s starry eyed face. Hawkeye smirked at him. “Oh, little Radar has caught your eye, huh?” 

Michael blushed, looking around him at the other army personnel not listening to them. “Is it that obvious?”

“Only a bit, but it’s okay. It can’t be too bad if even a blind man can see it.” 

Michael flipped the page quickly and began looking at all the different people. Hawkeye made sure to tell him all about the people he was looking at. “Colonel Potter is one of the best men you’ll meet. He’s career army but don’t let that turn you away. He’s caring and he’s fair and he’s been everything like a dad to me over here. It makes me miss my own dad just that much more. And Margaret Houlihan. What can I say about dear old Margaret? She’s terrifying and beautiful and terrifyingly beautiful. But she takes everything way too seriously. Her dad was army so she spends a lot of her time trying to live up to his expectations. She’s already head nurse, she’s a major… When she stops being so serious, she’s a hell of a lot of fun.” 

He went through the book like that, making sure Michael knew everyone he was going to be working with. 

“The only one I don’t know anything about is whoever they bring in to replace me. I hope he’s a good guy, for BJ’s sake.” 

They closed the scrapbook and Hawkeye delicately replaced everything in the pack, adding Klinger’s scarf to the mix. He pulled his robe around him tighter and rested his head on the window, looking out at the large expanse of nothingness that he saw. Everything was just kinda white. They’d been on this plane for almost two hours. And they had another sixteen-plus to go. And all because the plane had more passengers to pick up in the pacific islands. Hawkeye just wanted to be back in the states on solid ground and the army was once again tossing a wrench in his plans. 

“Wake me up when we’re in the states, okay?” He closed his eyes and waited for sleep to claim him. Sleep had come so easy to him lately. His body was tired, his mind was tired, his eyes were tired. Everything was so tiring. Existing was exhausting. 

“Alright, Hawkeye. Sleep well.” 

Hawkeye woke up disoriented. Someone had tossed a thin blanket over him throughout the night. “Where are we?” He rubbed his eyes and rolled his shoulders. 

“Morning, sunshine. Sleep well? We’re on our way to California now. It should be ‘bout 2:00 by the time we get there. Hope your ride is ready to pick you up.”

“Yeah I hope she is too.” He shifted in his seat. There wasn’t nearly enough room for his legs to fit comfortably and he was pretty sure he just spent the last— what? ten hours?— cramped up in a ball. 

“Oh, a she, huh?” Michael said, smirking. “Who is she?” 

Hawk smiled back at him. “No, no it’s not like that. She’s my— She’s BJ’s wife, Peg. I’m gonna be staying with her until I’m done being busted up. Or until she gets sick of me, whichever comes first. Then I’ll go home to Maine and be with my dad. He says he’ll come visit me in California. I haven’t seen him since I got my draft letter. I got my letter in Boston, drove up that afternoon to see him, cried in his arms for a while, then I was out and shipped off to training. It’ll be good to see him again.’ He leaned his head against the seat behind him. “Well, not see.” 

“Yeah, I get it. I’m heading home to care for my dad. I got two weeks’ leave to get home and help him. My ma’s busy and my brothers and sisters are all taking care of their jobs. I’m lucky I’m even being allowed to go home at all.” 

“I hope your dad’s okay.” 

“Yeah, me too. He’s getting older. Living in Chicago hasn’t been easy for him, especially recently. He’s caught something pretty bad. I wanna be home to take care of him. Marco’s busy working the record shop while I’m gone and Anna and Ma are running the pizza shop and watching the little ones. My brother Joey’s a chopper pilot in Korea. He runs wounded to M*A*S*H units. You might’ve met him. Joey Salucci?” 

Hawkeye nodded. “Yeah I think he’s made his way to our neck of the war a time or two.” 

“Yeah Joey wanted to sign up and help over there, but I didn’t. I was drafted. I wanted to stay home and work the record store with Marco and Pop, but I got drafted before I got the chance. And since Pop is sick, he ain’t taking care of Mimi— that’s my Ma’s ma— or his dad. So I have to pick up that slack. I’m just hoping he gets better before I have to get back to Korea.” 

“They’ll all be fine. It’ll all work out and you’ll get stuck in Korea ’til the end of the war. Then you get to come home, work the shop with your brother, find a girl, guy, whatever, settle down. Whatever your dreams look like, they’ll happen.” 

“You’re seeming quite positive all of a sudden.” 

“Yeah well it’s between being extremely depressed, which is a dance I’ve been doing for a week, or I can find something to look forward to. I can’t see much so I’ll be dictating your future for a bit.” 

Michael grew quiet then. “No girl back home? Nothing?”

“Well, let me put it this way Michael, I had a girl I was real serious with a while back and she left me because I was too focused on being a doctor. The army took me for a while to fix their broken dolls and they took my sight too. I can’t doctor if I can’t see and by extension, I’ll never be a surgeon again. I’m not going back home because I can’t handle the pity, so I’m staying with my friend’s wife, whom I’ve never actually met. I don’t have much going for me now. But you do.” 

The two were silent for much of the flight home, but it was comfortable. Hawkeye pulled the blanket up over his shoulders and curled into the seat. They were closing in on San Francisco. They’d be touching down within ten minutes. 

“Hey, Mikey.” 

“Yeah, Hawkeye?” 

Hawkeye looked towards the window. “What’s it look like out there?” 

Michael looked past him out the window. “The sunlight’s glistening off the water. The water looks so blue today. There’s waves crashing against the shore—”

“Wait, we’re that close already?” He didn’t even have ten minutes to prepare himself?

Michael nodded. “The plane is circling around to the runway already. Hope BJ’s wife is there for you.” 

Hawkeye nodded. His heart felt like it was in his throat. His first time meeting Peg. The plane lurched as it turned to line up with the runway. His stomach lurched right along with it. “Oh god. Did you know that you’re most likely to get in a car accident within a mile of your destination? I hope that’s not the same with planes.” Hawkeye’s hands tightened on the seat armrests. 

Michael’s hand was on his arm. “You’ll be fine. We’re landing now. We’re setting down on the tarmac now.” The plane lurched again as the wheels made contact with the asphalt. “See, there we are. Welcome home to the U.S. of A., Hawkeye.” 

“Doesn’t feel very welcoming,” he said as the plane stopped moving. Men around him started standing up. The plane had definitely picked up more men during those island stops. The men all grabbed their packs and their carry ons and walked off the plane without a second thought. Hawkeye had to think a lot about it thought. He leaned forward in his seat and maneuvered his pack behind him. 

Michael handed him his crutches and he stood up on his left leg. He hopped out of his seat and got his crutches in place. Moving through the thin aisles was difficult, but he managed. He hopped down the steps and walked across the boarding bridge to the gate. The duo walked further into the airport, Michael only steps in front of Hawkeye. 

“Now boarding passengers for flight 324 to Chicago.” 

“Shit, Hawkeye, that’s me. Do you think you can find your way to your friend?” 

Hawk nodded. “Go home, I’ll be fine. I hope you don’t end up having to go to Korea.” 

“Yeah, me neither. Take care of yourself Hawkeye.” He held his hand out. “You mind a handshake?” 

Hawkeye’s hand groped the air, Michael clasping their hands together. “You’d better get going or you’ll miss your flight. Stay safe, kid. Here and in Korea.” 

“You, too,” Michael said, taking off down the atrium. 

Hawkeye stood in the middle of the room, listening to military families reuniting all around him. He heard a baby cry somewhere. He heard mothers and wives cry out for their loved ones. Fathers and brothers were hugging each other with hardy slaps to the back. Who knew love could be so loud? He stood in the middle, surrounded by it all, not knowing where to go. 

A knot was forming in his throat. How would Peg find him if she didn’t know what he looked like? He didn’t know what she looked like, beyond the photos BJ had shown him, not that he’d be able to tell anyway. A petite, short blonde woman. Yeah that should narrow it down. 

He felt a hand on his shoulder and he jumped. “Hey buddy, you need help?” 

“I need— I need my things; my bag and my footlocker. Can you help me?” He felt weak asking for help, but what else was he going to do? His travel partner had up and left to go home, at Hawkeye’s insistence of course. He wasn’t going to hold Michael behind. 

“Yeah, sure, what’s your— holy shit,” the man said as Hawkeye turned towards his voice. “That’s a pretty nasty bruise on your face. What’s your name? So I can find your footlocker.” 

“Captain B.F. Pierce, but everyone calls me Hawkeye.” 

“Major Robert Davis,” the man said, holding his hand out, expecting Hawk to shake it. When he didn’t, he pushed his hand a bit farther forward. “You gonna shake my hand?” 

“Oh, sorry,” Hawk said, his hand rummaging around for Major Davis’s hand. Their hands clasped around Hawkeye’s cast and Hawkeye gave it a hearty shake. “You mind guiding me to the luggage rack? I can’t make it there on my own.” 

The man’s hand wrapped around his arm was rough, and it pulled him towards the luggage carousel faster than he could comfortably walk. 

“Hey, you mind slowing down a bit? Not only am I blind, but you seem to forget I’m also wobbling around on crutches. I’m a bit new to this whole thing, I can’t fucking keep up with you!” 

The hand on his arm loosened. “I’m— I’m sorry, man. I didn’t even realize.” 

“It’s fine,” Hawk said defeatedly. “Just. Slow down. Can you walk just in front of me? I’ll be able to see you enough to follow you.”

“I thought you said you were blind.” 

“For all intents and purposes, I am. I can’t see hardly anything. That’s why I didn’t shake your hand: I didn’t see it.” 

“You’re not blind though if you can see.” 

“Yeah, okay. Can we find my luggage please? I have to find someone. She’s going to be looking for me.” 

“Your family?”

Hawkeye shook his head. “No. But I don’t want to keep her waiting.” 

The major walked down the hall in front of him, leading him to the luggage carousel. “How much are we looking for?” 

“I have my laundry in my bag and then my footlocker, both army issued.” Hawkeye wobbled as the major jerked forward to grab something going by. 

“B.F. Pierce, that’s you?” He tossed the bag down by Hawkeye’s feet when Hawk hummed his assent. It took a bit of searching to find the right footlocker, though. Everyone had the same footlocker, it was a matter of finding the right name. “Benjamin Franklin? Your parents got a thing for founding fathers or something?” 

“My mom had a thing for literature. My nickname comes from _The Last of the Mohicans_ — Hawkeye— the only book my dad ever read.” 

“Hawkeye. That’s kinda funny seeing as you can’t hardly see.”

The irony of it was not lost on Hawk, but someone saying it out loud still hurt. “Yeah,” he chuckled sadly. “Funny.” 

Major Asshole pulled the footlocker off the conveyor and set it on the floor. “Alright, where’s the missus waiting for you?” 

“I don’t know. She’s not my missus. It’s alright. I’m sure you’ve got family looking for you. Thank you for your help, Major.” Hawkeye sat down on his footlocker. “I need to take a break anyway.” He held his hand out for a handshake and the major shook his before Hawk heard him walk away. He slumped back against the luggage carousel. 

“‘Scuse me, I couldn’t help but overhear, you’re Hawkeye?”

“Uh, yeah?” Hawkeye questioned. 

“Did you work at a M*A*S*H unit? The 4077th?” 

Hawkeye nodded. “Yeah, I was chief surgeon there. I’m sorry, but what’s this about?” 

“Oh,” the man said. “Richard Straw. My brother, Tom, was talking about you. He came in on the same flight you did. He said you cheered him up while he was waiting for his ride to the Evac Hospital. I bet he’d love to see you.” 

“I’m sure he would, but seeing isn’t in either of our futures right now.” Hawk smiled. He was sure the brother was turning bright red. 

“Well, I’m sure he’d like to talk to you then. If you want, I’ll help you get your luggage on a cart and we’ll find your girl.” 

“She’s not my girl, but I’ll accept the help.” He heaved himself back up onto his leg and pulled his crutches into place. 

“Well, hold on. You just wait here and I’ll go get a cart and we’ll load your luggage up first to make it easier on the woman picking you up, seeing as you won’t be carrying anything any time soon.” He walked away and Hawk wondered how long he’d be standing alone here. “Hawkeye, I’m back,” Richard announced his approach after a while. 

“Oh good, I was starting to wonder if you’d stood me up.” 

“No, it took me a while to track down a cart, but I ran into Tom and told him I ran into you. He’d like to talk to you.” Hawkeye moved out of the way and listened as Richard loaded his luggage onto the cart. “Climb on, I’ll give you a ride.” 

Hawkeye laughed and adjusts his crutches to walk. “No, thanks. My welcome home parade float won’t be ready until next week. If you had an actual chair I might have considered it though.” 

Richard laughed. “Alright that’s fair. How do you want me to help you? Tom likes to hold my shoulder but your hands are a bit occupied, so that seems out of the question.” 

“Just, uh— Just walk as close in front and slightly to the side of me as you can without me walking into you. If I lose you, I’ll try and catch your scent.” 

Richard walked towards the finally dispersing groups of people and Hawk followed close behind. Richard was considerably more helpful than Major What’s-His-Name was. The people talking and chattering grew louder and eventually Richard touched a hand to his arm. “Hawkeye, we’re almost there. The family is bringing Tom over to us. Do you want to sit on your footlocker? Take a load off your leg?” 

“Yeah, mind guiding me?” 

Richard set a hand on his arm and leaned him back until the footlocker was pressed against the backs on his legs. “There, you got it?” 

“Yeah, thanks. Tom?” he called. 

“Hawkeye, that you?” 

“Yeah,” he grinned. “Long time, no see, huh?”

Tom came in closer and Hawk caught glimpse of his hand as he walked to his right side. “I take it things didn’t turn out for you, huh?” He eased himself down on the footlocker beside Hawkeye and his hand brushed Hawkeye’s arm. “You got a cast now?”

“Two,” he said, hitting Tom’s leg with his cast. “Even got a pair of shiny new crutches to stroll around town with.” 

“How’d you manage that? I only left the 4077th a week ago.” 

“Well it took a few days for the doctor to get to the compound to check my eyes, which as anyone but you may see, it did not go well. There was a bit of an issue and long story short, I ended up walking the compound in just above freezing temperatures with a raging infection. They found me a couple hours later laying by the minefield unconscious with a broken arm and a bruised face. By the time I came out of my long sleep— they called it a minor coma— I walked on my ankle and rolled it broken, since it was already fractured. It’s been an eventful couple of days. But hey, I can see some things within a few feet of my eyes and I get to take medication for my infection for another week, so that’s fun.”

“How’d you manage to almost walk into your own minefield?” 

“Hey, you’d have done the same! I can hardly see better than you and I was delirious with fever.”

“Well, since neither of us walked into the minefield, I’d like you to meet my wife, Marilyn. Marilyn, sweetheart, can you come here?” He held his hand out. “Marilyn, this is Dr Hawkeye Pierce. He’s the one who kept me company at the 4077th. Hawkeye, this is my beautiful wife, Marilyn.” 

She set her hand in Hawkeye’s and shook it. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Hawkeye.”

“Oh, no,” he said. “The pleasure is all mine.” He turned towards Tom, catching a glimpse of his blonde hair. “Her hands even _feel_ beautiful.” 

“Oh they are,” Tom said, once again grabbing for his wife’s free hand. “But her mind is unparalleled. I won the lottery with this one— beauty and brains.” 

Marilyn pulled her hand from Hawk’s and used it to tap Tom upside the head. “Stop flirting. We’ve got family waiting to see you at home.” 

Tom grinned cheekily. “Alright Marilyn,” he said standing up. “How are you getting home, Hawkeye? You’re not from the area, are you?”

“No I’m a local of the most beautiful state of Maine. But for a while at least, I’m going to be a resident of Mill Valley. You remember Dr Hunnicutt? BJ?” 

“Yeah, he seemed nice enough.” 

“Yeah, he’s the best,” Hawk said, his chest aching a bit. “His wife’s putting me up and putting up with me until she’s sick of me, or until I’m ready to go home. Whichever comes first.” 

“Well when she gets sick of you, you could stay with us for a while if you’re not ready to go home, right Marilyn.” Marilyn squeezed Tom’s hand, looking back and forth between the two men. “I think we could manage something. Are you ready to head home, Tom?” 

He stood up, pushing the luggage cart back a little as he did. “Yeah, darling, I’m ready. Hawkeye, do you need any help finding your friend?” 

Hawk eased himself up and pulled his crutches under his arm again. “If you guys wouldn’t mind, that’d be great. She’s, uh— I’ll be honest, I’ve never met her, I’ve only seen her in pictures. She’s small and blonde. Gorgeous, really. Her and Beej have a baby, but I don’t know if she’ll be here. To be frank, but not Burns—” Tom laughed. “I don’t know how to find her.” 

“Well, we’ll help you look for her,” Richard said, grabbing the handle to the luggage cart once more. “You mind if we toss Tommy’s things on your cart too?”

“No, go ahead. I’m not pulling it,” he said with a wave of his hand. Richard, who was a bit bigger than Hawkeye, lifted Tom’s footlocker with ease and tossed it on top of the pile, moving Hawk’s laundry bag out of the way. 

The group began walking through the hall slowly, listening into conversations, looking for anyone that could be Peg. It took less than a minute before he heard “Ben Pierce. He’s tall, shaggy black hair, constant smirk on his face?” 

Hawkeye stopped in place and held his hand out, stopping Tom on his right. “Did you hear that?” 

“ _Do_ you constantly have a smirk on your face?” 

“I might,” he said, absolutely with a smirk on his face. “I gotta find her. Peg!” he called. “Peg Hunnicutt!”

“With that mouth of yours, she’ll find you for sure.” 

Hawk could hear her heels clipping across the floor towards him. “Ben? Hawkeye?”

“That’s me.” 

“Hi, I’m Peg. It’s nice to meet you,” she placed her hand in his open one, which he brought up and pressed to his lips. “Oh, just as much the charmer as BJ told me you were.” 

“My reputation precedes me. Peg somewhere around here is Tom Straw, former patient of the 4077th, his wife Marylin, and his brother Richard.” 

“Nice to meet you all too.” The other three all took turns greeting Peg. “Are you ready to go home? Where’s your stuff?” 

“Uh, on the cart, wherever that is.” He heard shuffling behind him and the sound of a footlocker hitting the floor. 

“Right here, Mrs Hunnicutt. You and Hawkeye can take the cart and everything. I can carry Tommy’s trunk.” 

“Thank you, that’s very kind of you.” 

“Hey, Hawkeye,” Tom said from his side. “Now that you’ve found her, we’re gonna head out. It was great not seeing you. Don’t be a stranger, okay?” His hand reached out to find Hawk’s and grasped it. 

Hawkeye shook his hand. “It was great not seeing you, too. I’ll try and write, and we’ll see if your wife can decipher my writing. Like I said at back at the unit, try not to grade me too harshly, okay?” 

Tom laughed. “Okay, Hawkeye. I’ll try not to.” He grabbed Marilyn’s arm and began to walk away. “Bye Hawkeye.” 

“Bye.” He took a deep breath. “Alright Peg, I’m ready to go. You mind grabbing the cart?” 

“Yep, already got it. So, how are we going to work this?” she asked as they began walking. “Do you want me to call you Ben or Hawkeye?” 

Hawkeye stopped in his tracks. “I—” He didn’t know. He’d been just Hawkeye for the last two years to everyone. Most people in Boston called him Hawkeye before the draft. Even his dad called him Hawkeye. But Hawkeye didn’t feel right anymore. “Either’s fine,” he said finally. 

“I don’t think you’re being truthful but we can talk about it once we get back to the house. Where do you want me?”  
Peg was sweet and generous and knew way more than she should be allowed to. 

“Just in front and off to the side, if you can.” 

The pair walked in silence, Hawkeye stewing in his mind. Ever since that shitty major had pointed out the shortcomings in his name, he couldn’t help but agree. They walked to the car, parked in one of the closest spots to the building as Peg could manage to find. 

“With all the families coming in today to pick up family members, it’s a wonder I managed to find a parking space so close to the entrance,” she said as she unlocked the car and opened the trunk. “Do you want help getting in the car?” 

Hawkeye moved his crutches over to one hand and leaned against the car. “No, I think I can find it. Thank you though.” 

Peg hefted the trunk into the car and tossed his laundry bag in behind it. She closed the hatch and walked around to Hawkeye’s side where he was wrestling his crutches into the back seat. “Let me help you, Hawkeye.” 

“Ben,” he corrected. “Please.” 

“Ben, then, you can still let me help you.” She grabbed the crutches and tossed them in the back seat across Erin’s car seat. “There, now that those are out of the way.” She closed the car door shut behind him and walked around the car to her own seat. “Now, let’s talk.” 

“About what?” 

“About you,” she said. “Why’d you freeze up in there? Did I say something wrong?” 

Hawkeye shook his head. “No, you didn’t. You didn’t say anything wrong.” He sighed. “I’ve spent my whole life being Hawkeye Pierce. Only my mom ever called me Ben and she died over twenty years ago. I’m probably overreacting, but this guy helped me grabbed my stuff from the luggage return and he just laughed about how it’s funny that I’m called Hawkeye when I can’t see.” 

“I’ll still call you Hawkeye if you want me to. It’s your name, after all. One stupid man can’t take that from you.” 

“I think the army took it from me,” he said. “The army’s taken everything from me in the last two years, up to and including my sight, my career, and my friends. Any sense of normalcy is gone. I’ll still go by Hawkeye if you introduce me to anyone else, but I think I’d like you to call me Ben.” 

“Alright, Ben. It’s nice to meet you.” Peg turned on the car and sat back in her seat, turning to look at Hawkeye. “You know, BJ’s told me so much about you.” 

“Oh really?” Hawkeye grinned. 

“Oh, yes. He’s told me all about your jokes, your shifty personality, your ability to outtalk anyone about anything, and how much you mean to him. But he’s especially told me about your pranks. Now, I’ve got a pretty good thing going right now as far as prank wars and know, if you prank me, I absolutely will prank you faster, harder, and better. Got that?” 

Hawkeye’s grin spread from ear to ear. “Perfect. I can’t believe that I imagined Beej’s wife to be anything less than perfectly devious.” 

“I’ll hold off pranking you until you can walk on both your own feet, but you’d better believe if you prank me once they’re off, the games are on.” She shifted the car into gear and turned around in her seat to back out. 

The drive was comfortable. Peg turned on the radio and they listened all the way home. It was different to Hawk to listen to the radio with minimal static. He was actually able to enjoy the music.

“We’re about ten minutes, out Hawk. We’re crossing the bay to Mill Valley.” 

Hawkeye looked out the window. “Ah, well I’m sure it’s beautiful.” He could feel the intensity of the sun on his face. “Hey, where’s Erin?” 

Peg looked over at Hawkeye and smiled. “BJ’s parents have her. I’ll bring you home and we’ll settle you in and then tonight, Bea and Jay will bring her back for supper.” Hawkeye snorted in his seat. “What?” 

“You’re telling me that his parents names really are Bea and Jay?” 

“Well his mother is Beatrice, but she goes by Bea.” 

Hawkeye laughed. “I’m so glad you and Beej had some sense in naming Erin. He drove me crazy, not telling me what his real name was and you’re really telling me it’s just BJ?” 

“It’s just BJ. At least, that’s what it says on our marriage certificate. No middle name or anything. He’s just BJ.”

“How phenomenally terrible.” 

“Well imagine what it’s like to fill out paperwork. He just has BJ Hunnicutt but sometimes I have as much as Margaret Jane Hayden Hunnicutt. You men really luck out on the whole “wife-taking-your-name” thing.” 

“Ah, well I come from a long line of Pierce men. I think it’d be nice to change up the name, but then my last name wouldn’t match my dad’s anymore.” Hawk looked at his hands and wondered how long it would be before his dad came to California. 

And then, like Radar, Peg piped up. “I talked to your dad on the phone. BJ told me how to hunt him down. He’s coming as soon as he can find a flight out from Maine and he’ll be staying in the guest room. If that’s alright with you, of course.” 

Hawk lunged over the console and pressed a quick kiss to Peg’s cheek. “Has BJ ever told you that you’re an angel descended from the heavens? I’d love to see my dad again.” Hawk slumped in his seat, sated smile on his face. “I’ve missed him so much. He’s— he’s going to love Erin. I think he’s always been a little put out by the fact that I haven’t settled down and started a family.” 

Peg just hummed to show she was listening but she hadn’t expected Hawkeye to actually open up to her so quickly. 

“I got close once, though. But she decided I cared more about doctoring than her.” He chuckled sadly. “I came home one night and she had just moved out. Course, we’d had a fight before my shift that she was sick of not seeing me, but coming home to an empty apartment hurt. Boy, if Carlye could see me now. She’s a nurse in Korea. She was transferred to the 4077th and we— she’s married, but seeing her gutted me. Finding out she was married gutted me even more. I— Look at me, complaining to you like a sad sap. Don’t worry I promise my stay in your house won’t always be like this. I just really hope BJ knows how lucky he is to have you and Erin.” 

Peg set her hand on Hawk’s and gave it a squeeze. “Ben, you’re more than welcome to talk about anything you need to. I’m here to be your stateside Hunnicutt, if you’ll let me.” 

Hawk swallowed the hurt in his throat and gave Peg a sad smile. “Beej always did say you were too good to him. Tell me— what he was like before the war?”


	5. Chapter 5

Peg and BJ’s house was pretty comfortable, Hawk realized right off the bat. Peg carried in his footlocker with seemingly no trouble, which Hawk had to admit was pretty hot. The smell of cooking meat filled the house. Their dog immediately greeted them as they came through the door, his nose pressing against the back of Hawk’s hand. 

“You must be Waggles,” he said, reaching out to pet the dog, scratching his ear as he leaned into Hawk’s hand.

“So, right now, you can stay downstairs on the couch if you want, or we can get you set up in the spare bedroom upstairs. It’s up to you. And whichever you choose, your dad will probably get the opposite when he comes. It’s a full bed, I think, if that helps you decide any easier. Either a full or a queen.” She led Hawk to the couch and he sat down, sinking in to the cushions. 

“This is the most comfortable piece of furniture I’ve laid on in _years_ ,” he groaned. “If the couch is this comfortable, how comfortable is the bed?” 

“Uh, more comfortable than the couch, definitely.” 

Hawk turned and laid down, sprawling his limbs from one end of the couch to the other. “I’ve died and gone to heaven,” he moaned. “This is amazing.” 

Peg laughed and sat down in a chair across from him. “Well, just a few things. First off, there’s a coffee table right in front of you. Watch out because you’ll bruise your shins for sure. BJ’s done it dozens of times.” 

“Well I’ll be sure to look out for it,” Hawk joked. 

“Don’t be a menace,” Peg scolded. “There’s a stew in the oven for supper, if you want to eat.” Hawk nodded in acknowledgment, but didn’t move. The Army food was sitting like a rock in his stomach. “So,” Peg started, “you’re into pranks, right?” 

“Into pranks? Am I into pranks? Has BJ not told you anything about me? I love pranks. In Korea, I lived for pranks. And BJ was my dream partner in crime.” 

Peg laughed. “Alright, point taken. Well, let me tell you about this prank war BJ and I are in the middle of.”

_____

Hawkeye and Peg were still laughing when someone knocked on the door. “Oh, I’ll get it,” Hawkeye said, not moving.

Peg got up and smoothed her dress and pulled Hawk up to sit before going to answer the door. 

“Mama!” 

“Hi, baby! Come in, come in. I put a stew in the crockpot this morning before we left. It should be ready. Come in,” she waved them in. She walked back to Hawkeye on the couch. “Hey, Hawk, this is BJ’s parents, Jay and Bea. Jay, Bea, this is BJ’s friend Hawkeye.” 

“Nice to meet you,” Hawk said, holding out his hand. “I’ve got a bone to pick with you about your son’s name. They’re telling me it’s really just BJ?”

A hand took his and shook it, Jay’s he assumed. “It’s really just BJ,” he said. “Nice to meet you, Hawkeye.” 

Bea’s hand rested in his. “Nice to meet you, Hawkeye.” 

Hawkeye leaned back on the couch and pulled his crutches close to him. “Sit, sit,” he said. “Tell me about how you settled with the name BJ.” 

Bea settled down on the couch. “Well, BJ was born premature and we didn’t have a name for him. One of the nurses suggested we just combine our names and it stuck. At least we didn’t have weirder names than we do.” 

“That boy was premature? What did you feed him, growth hormone?” 

Jay laughed from a chair across the coffee table from Hawk. “Nope, just a healthy diet. As a doctor you of all people should know that.” 

“I’ve never seen a premature baby that ended up being 6’3” and 185 pounds but I suppose that’s because they didn’t have tall parents. Are you sure his name is just BJ?” 

“Positive,” Bea said. 

“Damn it.” 

Peg watched the interaction from her own chair beside Jay’s with a smile on her face. Erin was standing on her lap, her fingers playing with the neckline of Peg’s dress. “Are you hungry, Erin? Huh? Are you hungry?” 

Erin threw her hands up in the air. “Yeah!”

“Let’s go to the dining room then. Can you say hi to Hawkeye?” 

Hawk wished he could see her. Her hand flapped in a little wave. He could hear her babbling as she waved. “Hi Erin,” he said, sending her a little wave. 

“Hi,” she said, burying her face in her mother’s dress. 

“Hawkeye, let me get Erin in her seat and I’ll come back and help you to the dining room, okay?” 

Hawkeye pushed to his feet and got his crutches under his arms. “Just let me follow you and I can get there myself.” 

“Here, honey,” Bea said, standing up. “I’ll show you.” She stood up and walked around the couch waited. 

“Uh, Mrs Hunnicutt, I can’t see my way around the couch.”

“Oh, goodness, honey, I didn’t know. Here, I’m coming back.” She set her arm on Hawkeye’s and led him to the dining room. “There you go, the chair’s on your right. I didn’t even realize. You made eye contact with me a few times.” 

“I can see a little bit. Things about an arm’s length away I can see, things a foot away have details and I can read, but everything else is just color blocks and it fades out into nothingness.”

“So you can’t see Erin across the table?” 

“I can almost see her when she moves. But no, not really.” 

Bea gasped beside him and set her hand on Hawk’s shoulder. “Oh, Hawkeye, that’s terrible.” 

“Well, I’m getting used to it. I don’t want anyone to pity me though, if you don’t mind.” 

A bowl was set in front of him, a fork eased into his hands. “Do you want salt and pepper, Hawkeye?” 

He pressed a piece of the stew to his lips, sniffed— potato?— and eased it back into his bowl. “It’s a bit too warm to taste, but if you’d put it somewhere I can reach it, that’d be nice.” He was feeling a bit under the microscope with Jay and Bea and Peg and Erin. He was the odd man out. He wanted BJ’s parents to like him, but he felt like he was acting so fake. 

“Milk? Bread and butter?” 

A grin spread across his face. “I’d love some. Real on all accounts, right?” 

“Of course. I baked the bread this week and the milk and butter came from the store.” Peg set a glass in front of him and she poured some milk in his glass. 

“I haven’t had fresh milk in so long. You’re spoiling me, Peg.” He took a drink of the milk and set the glass back on the table, his smile never easing. “That’s definitely cow’s milk. If the rest of dinner is as good as this is, I’m in for a treat.” He stabbed his fork into his bowl again and press the food up to his lip, smelled it. Still too warm. He blew on the carrot and bit into it. “Well, I’m not immediately revolted,” he joked. “I thought I’d poisoned off all my taste buds with army food, but this tastes delicious, Peg. Thank you.” 

Peg smiled at him, beaming with the praise. “You’re welcome, Hawkeye.” 

Dinner went smoothly. Waggles laid between Hawk and Erin on the table, waiting for Erin to drop food, lunging for it when she did. They’d try to bring up Korea, Hawkeye would make a joke and deflect. Eventually they all settled on the safe and common interest, BJ. Hawkeye asked about BJ growing up and his parents were more than happy to share as many embarrassing stories as they could. Hawk was sure he hadn’t laughed that hard in a while. 

After dinner, Bea and Jay stood up and announced that they had to go. Erin was bathed in hugs and kisses, hugs were given to Peg, and even Hawkeye got a hug from Bea and a firm handshake from Jay. “Goodnight, all.”

“Goodbye,” Hawk said as Peg walked them through the living room and out the front door. “Guess it’s just you and me now, Erin. How was supper?” She yelled at him, and he replied, “Oh, yeah. Good for me too. Best food I’ve had in a long time. Longer than your life, in fact. I hope you never have to know a life with powdered food.” He stood up and moved over to the chair next to Erin. 

Her faced was covered in smushed pieces of potato. Her front teeth were smiling out at him. He brought his face down to her level and smiled at her. What a gorgeous baby. 

“You’re a pretty smily girl. Hi, Erin. I’m Hawkeye. Or Ben.” She held her hand out to grab him and he pushed his finger into her grasp. “Quite the grip you got there. You’re gonna be strong like your daddy, aren’t you? Probably as tall as him too, huh? Look at those feet.” He nudged his hand against her toes and she kicked her feet, giggling. “That’s a solid building foundation.” 

Peg walked into the dining room, wash cloth in hand. “Gotta clean you up, Miss Mess.” She took the washcloth and wiped a piece of potato from her nose. Erin grunted and started to whine. “Hey, no no. Don’t whine.” Erin screamed indignantly. 

Hawkeye brought his hand up to brush her hair comfortingly. “Hey,” he shushed. “Don’t cry. Mommy just has to clean your messy potato face.” Erin screamed at him too. “Well, someone has her father’s attitude.” 

Erin quieted down as Peggy pulled the washcloth from her face. “Mama,” she whimpered, holding her hands out to Peg. 

Peg set the washcloth on the table and picked Erin up out of her chair. “Are you ready for bed, Erin Beatrice?” Erin’s hands grabbed the bodice of Peggy’s dress and tried to pull it down. “Erin, I’ll nurse you in a minute. Ben, do you need anything? I can get you set up in your room if you don’t want to wait.” 

“I can wait,” he said. “Don’t get her schedule off on my account. I’ll go sit back on the couch.” He got up from the table and walked what he hoped was the same path he’d taken to the dining room. Waggles was right behind him the whole way. He caught a glimpse of the couch and walked around it, bumping into the end table as he did, making the lamp teeter dangerously. “Shit.” 

He sat on the couch and grabbed his pack. He pulled out the scrapbook and set it on his lap. He curled his knees up to his chest and balanced the book against his thighs. He opened the book to the first set of pictures and stared at the picture of BJ. 

“That’s a good picture of him,” Peg said from behind him. 

“Shit! You really gotta warn a guy, Peg.” 

Peg laughed and set her hand on his shoulder as she walked around him to sit on the couch. “Sorry. I made enough noise walking down the stairs I figured you heard me. So what’s this?” she asked, her hand tracing the edge of the page. 

“Gift from the 4077th. I think it was Radar’s idea, but BJ helped. That’s Radar right there,” he said, gesturing to the photo. “He’s a good kid. He’ll be twenty this year.” He handed the photo album over to Peg, grabbed his pack and pulled out the teddy bear. “He got this for me,” he mused, pulling the bear into his still-curled body. “Said it’d make me feel better when I needed it.” He fumbled with the ear of the bear. 

“What are all these papers below the photos?” 

“Well, I think they’re probably love letters from all of my adoring fans.” He looked over at Peg and smiled as she quirked an eyebrow at him. 

“The entire camp loves you that much?” she asked, a mischievous smirk on her face. “I’m not sure I see it yet.” 

Hawkeye’s mouth gaped open at her. “Peg Hunnicutt, I’m wounded. You’ve cut me to the core. I’m adored by all!” 

“Ah, well, Jay and Bea did enjoy your company. I especially liked how you managed to turn everything back around to BJ.” 

“Still don’t think that’s his real name.” 

“You’re allowed to talk about things, Ben. I’ll understand if you don’t want but maybe it’ll be good for you, you know?” She set her hand on Hawkeye until he looked her in the eye. 

The smile slid off his face. “Okay,” he said. “What do you want to know?” 

“What do you want to tell me?” She stared at him and Hawk could swear she could see into his soul. Her eyes were a beautiful shade of blue. Her fingers came up to brush against the bruise that discolored the right side of his face. “What happened to you over there, Ben?” 

“Two years of war. Where should I start?” He thought back to Trap, as fun as their friendship was, it still hurt to think about. But BJ, BJ was his best friend and those memories could never be tainted. “I’ll start at the end and go back to the beginning. I went to the nurses’ tent to help them with their stove— my hands are magic you see—”

Peg listened attentively as Hawk recounted two years in Korea. She listened to stories of his trysts with the nurses— likely sanitized for her benefit. She listened to pranks he pulled, she listened to pranks BJ pulled, and finally, how he ended up sitting on her living room couch. “It’s been a rough couple years, huh?” 

“The worst of my life. And yet, I can’t say I wished that I hadn’t been drafted. I never would’ve met Trap, bastard that he is, or BJ or Klinger, Radar, Margaret, any of them. They became my family over there. And I’m really gonna miss them.” He clenched the bear closer to his chest. “Except Frank. I don’t think I’ll miss him too much.” The clock in the corner of the living room chimed off the hour. “It’s 11:00, shouldn’t you head to bed?” 

“Yes, mom,” Peg snipped. “Let’s get you ready for bed. Do you want to sleep down here or upstairs in the guest room?” She tugged at his robe. “Do you need any, uh— clean pjs for bed?” 

“I’m gonna be awake for a while still, so I’ll take residence in your living room. Could you get in my bag and— shit, those are dirty. Uh, no I’ll be fine. Can you show me where the little civilian’s room is?” He eased up and set the bear beside the scrapbook on the couch. He grabbed his crutches and followed Peg down the hall to the bathroom just off the kitchen. “Thanks, Peg. I think I can find my way back alright.” 

“Alright. Just holler if you need anything, okay?” 

“I will. Goodnight, Peg.” 

She eased up onto her tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Goodnight, Hawk. Sleep well.” 

“Uh, yeah,” he said, his ears flushing. “You too.” He pushed the bathroom door closed. How long had it been since he’d gone to the bathroom? Probably as long as it had been since he ate. Well, not anymore, he supposed. He flushed the toilet and pulled the door open to Waggles sitting beside the door, waiting for him. “Are you pitying me, Waggles? Hmm? I won’t stand for it. But I could sit for it. Lead me to the living room, Fido.” 

Hawk stared at his pack as he sat back down on the couch. It should be just about empty, only Klinger’s scarf left in there and his magazine, so why was there a big lump in it still? He reached into the bag and pulled out the Polaroid camera they’d given Klinger a while back with a note attached to it. _Have Peg send us pictures. Love, BJ_

He set the camera on the coffee table and grabbed his scrapbook, pulling BJ’s note from between the cover and the first page. He pulled the note up to his own face— hey that was his own handwriting. This was the note he had left for BJ. 

_I’m sorry  
I love you. _

Oh, god. BJ had seen his note. He had foolishly hoped the note had disappeared forever. He scanned the page. How was this BJ’s note to him? It was his own note, to BJ. He flipped the paper over and in large block letters, he saw: 

_I love you, too._

Hawkeye’s heart nearly stopped at those words. That was definitely BJ’s handwriting. I love you, too. BJ had written that he loved Hawk too. 

Platonically, right? It had to be platonically. Hawk’s finger traced the edge of the paper as he stared at the words. 

Hawk opened the scrapbook to BJ’s picture and peeled back the film holding the pictures in place. Easing up the photo, he pressed the note in behind it and sealed the film back down. There. Out of sight, out of mind. 

Except it wasn’t. Hawk set the book on the coffee table, grabbed the teddy bear and moved it from the couch. He sprawled out on the couch, propping his cast up on the far arm. Waggles stood up and jumped on the couch, laying on Hawkeye’s torso. His arms wrapped around the dog’s neck, pulling him close. “You’re a pretty good dog. I see why they like you. BJ on the other hand apparently loves me like I love him, only he can’t right? He’s got Peg and Erin, you. He wouldn’t ruin that for someone he met in the army, right?” 

Waggles looked at him and perked his ears up. “No you’re right. Of course he wouldn’t.” Waggles set his head down on Hawkeye’s chest and Hawkeye laid there petting him until he fell asleep. 

_____

“Hawkeye, wake up.” 

“Go away dad,” he mumbled against the couch cushion. His eyes jolted open. “Dad? Dad, you’re here!” He threw his arms around his dad, who was kneeling by his side. “How’d you make it to California so fast?” 

“I took the first flight out of Maine that I could. Mrs Hunnicutt was kind enough to pick me up this morning while you were still snoozing.” 

“It’s Peg, Mr Pierce.” 

“Then it’s Daniel to you, Peg,” he smiled at her. “C’mon, Hawk. Sit up. I’ve missed you so much, buddy. How’re ya doing? Korea wasn’t so good to you. You’re too skinny.” 

“I’m okay, dad.” 

“Okay?!” He pulled Hawk to a sitting position and sat besides him on the couch. “Hawk you’ve dropped at least fifteen pounds—”

“Twenty-four.”

“—and you’ve grayed so much. Your hair was black when they took you away. Listen, Hawk. Mrs Hunnicutt was nice enough to let me use her kitchen and I’ve made us all French toast and you’re going to eat until I say you’re full.” 

“Dad, I’m not that hungry.” 

“Until I say you’re full, Benny. And then you’re going to get out of those scrubs and that robe and you’re going to get in some clean clothes.” He pulled Hawk to his feet and handed him his crutches. “Let’s go. To the dining room.” 

“Do I get to go to the bathroom first?” 

“No,” Daniel said, walking to the dining room in front of him. “You’re a big boy. Hold it.” 

Hawkeye smiled at his dad’s retreating figure and rolled his eyes. He was big enough to hold his bladder, but not old enough to know how to feed himself. He turned through the kitchen to go to the bathroom, Waggles on his heels. 

“Ben!” 

“I’m in the bathroom!” he called, standing back up. 

“I thought I told you to hold it!” his dad called back. 

“I couldn’t!” Peg was going to end up kicking the both of them to the curb, he thought, but as he walked out of the bathroom, Peg was laughing. 

“You two always like this?” 

“He’s always trying to feed me more than I can eat; has as long as I can remember. His mom was Italian and they never liked that I was so tall and lanky. They all were convinced I wasn’t eating enough.” He leaned against the kitchen counter for a moment. “But he does it with love. Imagine if BJ came back home a whole Erin lighter.” 

Peg bounced Erin in her arms, feeling the weight of her in her arms. “Well he brought all the ingredients for it, so you won’t want it to go to waste. He fed me and Erin beyond full, didn’t he Erin? Daniel is so funny isn’t he? He also made sausage.” 

Hawk inhaled through his nose with a smile. “Yeah I can smell it.” 

“He also brought maple syrup from Vermont because he didn’t think we’d have, and I quote, ‘any of the real stuff here,’ whatever that means.” 

Hawk sat at the dining room table. “It’s exactly what it sounds like. The real maple syrup experience must come from Vermont, New York, or Canada.” He felt around the table for a plate. “Alright, dad,” he said, pushing the plate out away from him. “Do your worst.” 

The plate sank as his dad piled it high. “Butter’s about six inches in front of your right hand, Hawk.” 

Hawkeye set his plate down and groped around for the butter. The white dish blended in too easily with the tablecloth. “Can you pour the syrup for me? You know how I like it.” 

Hawkeye spread the butter on the first few pieces of French toast before giving up. “Holy shit, dad, how many slices did you give me?”

“Enough to make you gain some weight, Benny. Now watch your language. There’s a sweet little girl walking up beside you.” He bent over and hoisted Erin up onto his hip. “Hey, beautiful. You look just as gorgeous as your mother, don’t you? I bet you’ll be as benevolent as her one day, too.” He held Erin’s little hand in his palm and danced her around the dining room in time to the song playing on the radio faintly in the kitchen. Her giggles filled the room and Hawk smiled, bringing a forkful of food to his nose before eating it. 

“Smell good, Hawk?” His dad asked as he dipped Erin. 

“Smells like home,” he admitted. “It’s just what I needed.” Daniel continued to waltz around the kitchen, giggling toddler on his hip until Hawk finished his plateful. “Alright, I’m done, dad.” 

“Lemme get you some more,” he said, moving towards the plate. 

“No, dad,” he said. “I’m full. I’ll finish them at snack time, okay?” 

“You’d better,” his dad said, setting the spatula back down. “Alright, what do you want to do next?” 

“Not much I can do, dad. Look at me.” 

“Yeah, I’m looking. Did someone beat you? Look at that bruise on your face.” 

Hawkeye brushed his hand against his face and winced as he made contact. “Is it really that bad?” 

“Benny, what happened?” 

“I took a tumble, rolled my ankle, landed on my face on top of my arm. It’s no big deal, dad. I’m alright, really.” 

“I’m a doctor, Benjamin. You can’t lie to me. That’s not a tumble, that’s a hard hit. That’s a deep bruise and you’re gonna be trying to get rid of that for a couple weeks. I’m surprised you didn’t fracture your face.” He prodded at the bruise. “Did they take x-rays of your face?” 

“I don’t know. I was unconscious for most of it,” he admitted. “I was out for a couple days. It was bad enough that BJ stayed by my bedside because he thought I was going to die.” 

“Hawk are you sure you’re not concussed? Where’s your medic bag?” 

“My footlocker. Dad—” He moved to stand up, hitting his leg with his cast in the process. “Dad, I’m okay.” He winced, grabbing his crutches and following Daniel to the living room. “Dad, c’mon. I’m walking, I’m breathing, my reflexes are as good as they’re going to be right now, my head doesn’t hurt, the light doesn’t hurt my eyes. I’m not concussed.” 

“What about pupillary response, Ben?” 

“Dad, how am I supposed to accurately check my pupillary response? I can’t even accurately see myself in a mirror.” He set his hand on his father’s shoulder as he was bent over Hawk’s footlocker. 

“Damn it Ben. What’s the combination for this?” His hands were tugging at the lock. 

“Mom’s birthday.” 

Daniel twisted the numbers into the lock and pressed open the trunk lid. “Should’ve known I’d need my pen light. The one time I don’t bring it, I need it,” he mumbled, rooting through Hawk’s trunk. He pulled out a medic bag and roots through it, yanking out the pen light. “Sit down.” 

“Peggy, would you help me out here? Tell him I’m fine.” 

Peggy sat down in the chair, an amused grin on her face. “I’m not a doctor, Ben, I don’t know.” 

“Et tu, Brute?” He stared at the pen light as his father shone it in his eyes. He let his father check him for a concussion, if for nothing more than to placate him. 

“Well, you don’t have a concussion.” 

“See?” he said exasperated. “I told you, dad. I’m a doctor. You can trust me.” 

Daniel picked up the contents of the pack that he’d sprawled out all over the floor and set them back in the footlocker. “I’m sorry, Hawkeye. I just worry. That’s all.” 

“I did get a concussion in Korea, though. I knew that right away. I had overturned my jeep, scared a local family half to death.” 

“How’d you keep yourself awake?” 

“I was the height of entertainment that night,” he boasted. “I spent the whole day talking and singing gibberish so I couldn’t even think about getting sleepy. It was over half the day until Radar found me.” He looked down. “If I hadn’t been a doctor, I probably wouldn’t be here right now. I wouldn’t have known to stay awake.” 

“But here you are,” Peg murmured. 

“But here I am,” Hawk agreed. The room was quiet for a second before Hawk hopped up and grabbed a crutch. “Alright. Time to change clothes.” He grabbed his laundry bag from the floor and dragged it back to the couch. 

“Hawk, I coulda gotten that for you.” 

“Yeah, I know. But I don’t— there’s not— I don’t have any clean clothes in here I don’t think. I mean, I have Korea clean clothes which are mostly just clothes that I’ve only worn three times without washing. It was— it was wash day a couple days ago and I— I didn’t get to wash…them.” He stared at all the clothes around him, all the clothes that he had pulled out while he was talking. “I don’t have anything clean.” 

“Let me grab something of BJ’s for you,” Peg said, standing up. “I’ll be right back.”

“No, Peg— I—” He sighed as she walked up the stairs. “You two listen about as well as I can see. You guys don’t need to babysit me, you know.” 

“Hawk, let us dote on you at least until you get your casts off. They likely would have kept you at the Evac Hospital until they were off if it weren’t for that Radar kid. I’m heading back home tomorrow; I couldn’t leave the practice that long, but I needed to see you’re okay.” 

“I don’t know if they would’ve kept me that long, but they probably would have checked me over again. I’m really okay, dad.” 

Peg walked back down the stairs and set a pair of loose sweatpants and a t shirt in Hawk’s lap. “If the sweatpants don’t fit over your cast, I’ll see if I can find some of his pajamas for you to wear until I get to wash yours.” 

“Peg, you really don’t need to. I can buy some of my own detergent and I can do my own washing. Thank you so much.” He stood up once more and grabbed his crutches and plodded off to the bathroom to change. 

He sat on the edge of the tub and wrestled out of the scrubs and his t-shirt, tossing them to the floor with his robe. He pulled on the pair of sweatpants and hiked the elastic band above his cast. _No sense in stretching out BJ's pants_ , Hawk thought. The t-shirt was soft against his skin as he pulled it into place, and it still smelled like BJ. He laid back across the empty tub and brought the shirt up to his nose. BJ. This was what he smelled like before Korea got to him. 

It brought Hawkeye back to the first day he’d met BJ. The beginning of the best year of his life. And the worst, if you were splitting hairs. 

A knock sounded on the door. “Ben, dear, are you okay?” Peg. 

He sat up and grabbed at his crutches, blinking away the tears that were welling up in his eyes. “Yeah, I’m just— I’ll be right out.” His voice sounded rough, even to him. 

“You want to talk about it?” The door opened slightly. “Can I come in?” 

“Yeah,” he said, holding the hem of the t-shirt. “I just— it just hit me how much I’m going to miss BJ. His— This is his shirt?” She nodded. “It smells like it did that first day he got to Korea. He doesn’t smell like this anymore. It’s all— it’s all army soap and dirt.” He sniffed the neckline once more. “But it still smells like BJ.” 

“I miss him too. Every day he’s gone, I miss him a little more. And the more Erin grows up, and the more he misses, the more I miss him. But I know he’ll come back home to me, to us. You, me, and Erin.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Abby for use of her OC, Rusty! I love our witchy boy!

Daniel stayed until late the next afternoon when Peg drove him back to the airport. The following two weeks had been less than eventful. Hawk had spent much of his time either on the couch or upstairs in the bedroom Peg had set up for him. He was currently sitting on the couch, a large quilt draped over his lap.

_This was your mother’s favorite blanket. She’d want you to keep it. It’s yours, Benny. Take good care of it._

His father had left him his mother’s favorite quilt. Hawk remembered his mother working on it painstakingly every day until it was done. He had laid beside her every night, belly down on the floor next to her sewing basket. She spent the night with her needles and he laid beside her reading his book. He’d been mostly quiet today. Even Erin had picked up on it. 

She had toddled over to him and sat on the excess blanket sprawled on the floor. She had laid down and taken a nap by Hawk’s feet for a little while, if her soft breathing was anything to go by. 

It wasn’t necessarily a bad day, but he was stuck in his head. The last two weeks in his mind had progressively gotten darker. He was so tired all the time. He wanted his casts off. He wanted his eyes back. He wanted his mom. 

His fists curled around the border of the quilt and uncurled, flattening the edge again. Rinse and repeat. 

Erin climbed up on the couch and pushed herself onto his lap, grabbing at his hands. She turned herself around and looked at him. 

“Hi, Erin. How are you today?” 

“Beh-Beh,” she said, slapping at his chest. 

He looked down at her little hands hitting him. “I— I don’t have a bottle; and my breasts don’t do that. You’ll have to talk to mommy about that.” 

“No! Beh-Beh.” 

He grabbed at her hands and held them in his. “Bottle?” 

_“No!_ Beh!” 

“Beh?” 

A big toothy grin spread across Erin’s face as she settled into Hawkeye’s chest. “Yeah. Beh.” 

“Oh,” he sighed, his eyes tearing up. “That’s— You’re saying my name, right? You’re saying Ben?” 

Her head on his chest was just what he needed. She brought her thumb up to her mouth and her free hand curled up to play with the hair at the nape of his neck. Hawk tried to calm the shuddering breaths his lungs wanted to take. Erin was grounding him so easily and he wasn’t going to do anything to move her. His casted arm curled under her butt, holding her in place, the other came to rub small circles on her back. 

His eyes hurt, trying to hold the tears back. “You’re a savior, little one. You know that?” He shifted her slightly higher. Her head was resting on his shoulder, her breath soft against his neck. “I love you, Erin,” he whispered as her breathing slowed. His chest began to rise and fall against hers and he fell asleep not long after. 

_____

He woke up to the sound of a polaroid being shaken. “What?” 

“Morning sleepy head. Did you sleep well?” She paused to look at the photograph in her hands. “Oh, that’s a good one.” 

Hawk sat up, shifting Erin to his good arm. “If you want pictures of me, I’d love to pose for you. Get dressed up— perhaps undress?” 

She smiled at him as she added the photo to a pair on the coffee table. “No thanks. These are good.” She set the camera down and picked up all three photos. “Oh, BJ’s gonna love that one.” 

“BJ? What? Peg, I’m still tired, so I’m gonna just stop listening, okay?” 

“Alright, I’m waking Erin up though so she’ll sleep tonight.” Hawk whined as Erin was lifted from his arms. “It’s okay, Ben. You can go back to sleep, but Erin can’t.” She leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of his head and walked up the stairs to wake Erin up. He could hear her whimpering upstairs as she woke up.

“Don’t cry, Erin,” he whispered. “Please.” Her whimpering petered out and was replaced with playful giggles the longer she was awake and Hawk couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief.

_____

Seven and a half weeks post-Korea— that was how Hawk was measuring time now— and Hawk was two days out from getting his casts off when it happened. 

Well to be quite fair, he wasn’t exactly sure how it happened at first. All he knows is that he hit his face off the corner of the coffee table on the way down and yelled ‘shit!’ really loudly. 

“Watch your language!” Peg had yelled from upstairs. 

“Yeah, sorry,” Hawk half-yelled, half-whined from his spot on the floor. He held his head in his hands and pushed himself up to a sitting position. He brought his knees to his chest as he pressed his hand to his forehead. His head was throbbing as he pulled his hand back— blood. That wasn’t good. 

Peg was singing as she did her weekly cleaning upstairs. It was best not to disturb her. He looked at the couch and decided it was best not to move on the light fabric with who knows how much blood. Enough to run onto his t-shirt anyway. 

That’s the issue with head wounds. No matter how minor they are, they always bleed worse. 

His arm hurt from reaching across his body, but he couldn’t put pressure on the cut with his casted hand. Two days later and this wouldn’t have happened. He’d be crutch free, casts free and wound free, hopefully. He heard Peggy walking down the stairs and he struggled to grab his crutches to get to the bathroom before he could see. 

“Oh my god, Ben!” She practically threw her laundry basket down as she ran to him. “Are you okay? I heard your crutches hit the floor but I— it sounded like they normally do when they slip off the end table.” Her hand gently peeled his away. “Ben, that looks bad.”

“No it’s— I’ll be fine. I just have to get it to stop bleeding.” 

“I think you need stitches. This is— Let me go get some gauze and grab Erin and I’ll be right back, okay?” 

He nodded. Peg had made up her mind and he wasn’t going to try and fight it. It wasn’t worth it. He pressed his hand back to his forehead until she got back with gauze pads and tape. She pressed a pad with alcohol to his forehead to clean it— “shh, I know it burns”— and pressed the dry piece of gauze in place, taping it down. 

She ran up the stairs and grabbed Erin, carrying her on her hip to the car before coming back in to get Hawkeye. “C’mon Ben. I’ve got you.” She helped him stand and handed his crutches to him. “I’m so sorry. Erin left her blanket on the floor. That must’ve been what caught your crutch.” She picked up the blanket once Hawk was steady on his crutches and threw it on the couch. 

The drive to the doctors was mostly silent, the only noise coming from Erin in the backseat. “Erin, honey, when we bring Ben into the doctor’s you have to be quiet, okay?” 

“Aw, Peg, please don’t. I love when she chatters. She’s a good conversationalist, aren’t you, Erin?” Erin squealed at him and slapped her hands on her carseat. Hawkeye smiled as she giggled in the back seat and he rested his head against the car window. 

“Ben, can you keep your eyes open for me? Please?” 

“I don’t have a concussion, Peg, I’m fine.”

“Okay,” she said looking between the Hawk and the road, “but can you do it anyway?” 

He sat back up, wincing as his head throbbed. “Yeah.” 

The ride to the doctor’s was quick after that. Hawk followed Peg and Erin into the doctors’ office and sunk into a chair in the waiting room immediately. Peg went to the receptionist and explained what happened as best she could. Hawkeye stared at the white wall in front of him. God, his head hurt. 

He reached up and peeled the bandage from his head and balled it up in his hand, shoving it into his pocket. His forehead was still oozing blood, but it had mostly slowed. He felt it trail down into his eye and heard the gasp of the receptionist as she finally looked at him. 

Peg turned around and looked at him. “Ben! Put the gauze back on.” 

“They'll get me in faster this way,” he said. Were his eyes crossing? He felt like they were crossing. He jumped as someone grabbed his arm. “Don’t touch me!” He yanked his arm back. 

“Ben, honey, it’s just the nurse. Can you follow me?” Peg said as she knelt in front of him. 

His heart was racing. His hands shook as he grabbed his crutches and followed Peg back to the exam room. 

“The doctor will be right with you,” the nurse said, closing the door behind her. 

“You okay?” Peg asked as he rocked slightly in his chair. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I love being snuck up on and grabbed.” 

“I know. I’m sorry. I was just telling the receptionist when she grabbed you. But we might be able to get your casts off today. That’s good, right?” 

“Yeah,” he whispered. “Can I hold Erin?” Peg held Erin out to Hawk and he held her close to himself. She perched on his lap and played with his crutches, slamming them together, squealing with laughter the entire time. 

“Erin honey, quiet down please.” 

The doctor opened the door and closed it behind her. “Benjamin Pierce?” She held out her hand. “Dr Ann Kairn. How are you today? May I shake your hand?” 

He held out his hand to her and she shook it. “Hawkeye, please. I’m fine other than the bleeding. And I’m ready for the casts to come off, too.” 

“Yeah, I can do that today. I’ll do a physical after we get your casts off to get a height and weight on you. I’ll get that cut sewn up first though, if you don’t mind.” 

Hawk passed Erin over to Peg and sat back. “Do your worst, doctor. My personal favorite is white cotton mattress sutures. They saved my life once. Well, I wasn’t hurt but they ensured my existence anyway.” 

“Alright, let me go get a local and I’ll see what I can do about getting some white cotton thread in here,” she said, smiling at him as she walked out. 

“I can feel you staring at me, Peg. Want to share with the class?” 

“I’m just wondering the story.” 

“Ahh, well you’ll have to wait. I need something to talk about while she glues Humpty Dumpty together again. I still don’t think it needs stitches.” Peg grumbled. “Yeah, I know, I know. I can’t see what it looks like. I can feel it though. It feels like it hurts and there’s blood but I don’t think it needs stitches.” 

The door opened again and Dr Kairn came in with a local anesthetic and some thread. “I couldn’t get your white thread,” she said, “but I can still get the job done with this stuff.” She set the suturing thread on the counter and pulled a needle full of local. “I’m gonna touch your face, okay, Hawkeye? Just a pinch,” she said. “So, doctor, huh?” She leaned back and waited for Hawkeye’s anesthetic to kick in and waited for an answer. 

“He just got home from Korea,” Peg said. “Since he seems to have clammed up.” 

“I haven’t clammed up. I’m just trying to decide if I can use the title doctor.”

“You’ve got the diploma still right?” 

“In Maine.” 

“Then you’re a doctor. So… how’d your sutures save your life? I’m gonna check your head.” 

Hawk settled into his seat a bit more as the doctor poked at his forehead. “That’s good,” he said. “So, in Korea, I was sent to a Battalion Aid station right on the front line. Right on the front line. And were were fixing up these boys that should be making out with their girlfriends in the back of their father’s cars. Well unbeknownst to me, a message was sent back to the 4077th saying that a doctor had been killed on the frontline at the very station I was at. And her husband, BJ, who just so happens to be my best friend, he assumed it was me. Of course he had no reason not to assume it was me. No name came with the message, no details, just that a doctor had been killed. And all the lines were knocked out, so our sweet little Radar couldn’t reach me?”

“Radar?” 

“Yes, Radar, given name Walter. He could hear choppers before anyone else, can read minds, always knows what’s gonna happen before it does, great kid. Anyway, Radar couldn’t reach the Battalion Aid station and we at the Battalion Aid station didn’t know anyone was looking for us. So I wrote my will, I worked on boys as they came through, I ducked under tables as the bombs fell around me, and when the bombing slowed, I went back to the 4077th. It turns out, that while I was trying not to die, yet actively planning for my demise, the 4077th was being sent my patients. BJ got one of my patients on my table and knew I was alive based on my vertical mattress stitches with white cotton thread. And when I came home, he was proven right. Well now I’m living at his home in Mill Valley and not really living at all. But at least he knows I’m not dead, even without my highly specific suturing.” 

“Well,” Dr Kairn said, stepping back, “You won’t be bleeding to death. Your forehead’s all fixed up. Mind me asking how it happened?” 

“These damned crutches slipped on a blanket on the floor and I caught myself with my forehead on the coffee table. I didn’t think it needed stitches but Peg insisted. I think the blood just made her queasy,” he said, crossing his leg over the other. 

“Ben, your shirt and face are covered with blood. I don’t think I’m overreacting here.” 

“Well, Dr Pierce, you’ve got a few stitches now, but you’ll be fine. Let’s see what I can do about getting your casts off.” 

The rest of the visit went quickly, Hawkeye smiling gleefully as he moved his arm freely. He clapped his hands at Erin, he shook her hand for the first time unimpeded. His casts were set in a paper bag to go home with him— “Just for the memories. The whole compound signed them. They’ll stay in my footlocker”— and he walked out of the office on his own two legs. 

_____

_Dear BJ,_

_I got my casts off today after taking a header on your coffee table. I can move freely. I can talk with my arms and not worry about hitting anyone. The bruises on my left leg may never heal, but the cast is off. And I can walk again. I can climb the stairs to go to the bed in your spare bedroom. I miss you._

__

__

_That wasn’t supposed to be the point of this letter, but I miss you. Peg’s here and Erin’s here and Waggles is here, but you’re not. And I spent a year and some change with you by my side and every time I try and tell you a joke and you’re not there, I’m reminded that you’re in hell and I’m not even there to have your back._

__

__

_What kind of best friend am I to not be able to have your back? I know I can’t see but I still want to be there for you. I haven’t left the couch for much other than lunch or the bathroom. In Korea I’d be emptying the still singlehandedly, but there’s no still here and I can’t imagine Peg will want to keep me if I were to start drinking again._

__

_Erin’s a god sent angel, Beej. I know you miss her and I know you’re mad about not being here with her. But I think she’s saved my life. She said my name for the first time about two weeks after I’d gotten here. I was having the worst day. I was in my head. I was on the couch pondering how I could get out of the house without Peg noticing and then Erin came over and said my name— well, she said Beh, but she got very indignant when I suggested that she wanted her bottle— and she laid on my chest and I think she really saved my life BJ. We took a nap together, I think Peg sent you a picture._

__

__

_I hope the war ends soon so you can come back home. Peg’s great but it’s not the same. Now that my casts are off though, she said she’ll let me in on your neighborhood shenanigans. I think that’ll boost my spirits, being able to get out of the house. I’ll have to get some sort of cane to walk with, take out the ankles of my enemies. Send Frank my way when he leaves, huh?_

__

__

_So how’s Frank and Margaret? Still dancing around each other? Or did she finally drop him for that general she talked about? Not that I care, of course, I’m just wondering what’s going on while I’m not there. I was one of the founding members of the 4077th. It seems like desertion to have left it behind. Not that I was above desertion of course, but if I’m going to desert, I’d want it to be on my terms, not the army’s decision to desert me._

__

__

_I’m writing larger than normal I think, and my face is laying on the table right next to my paper, but I think it’s legible. As legible as a doctor can write anyway. I hope you can read this and I hope I get a letter back from you._

__

__

_As per your note stuffed in my pocket as I left, I can’t believe you’d tell me like that, you fink! I came home and was looking at the scrapbook you and Radar put together from me and she had barely left when I remembered it. You weren’t supposed to know about my note, let alone agree with me and actually reply to it! I wrote that note in the midst of a fever induced, panicked delirium. You were never meant to see it._

__

__

_I’m almost glad you did, regarding your response, but I don’t know what to do with that information. I’m living with your wife and daughter and, try as I might, I don’t think Peg’s all that into me. Does she only have a thing for blonds? Because if so, I’m out of luck. I’m sure my hair came out this dark from birth._

__

__

_Speaking of birth, dad came and visited the day after I got home. He wasn’t here long, but he immediately commandeered your kitchen to make Peg, Erin, and I the famous Pierce French Toast. He, Peg and Erin all ate before I woke up but if he force fed them like he did me, I’m surprised they didn’t burst at the seams. He was determined to get me to gain the 24 pounds I lost during the war all back in one night, I think. Before he left he gave me mom’s favorite quilt. I haven’t done much without it nearby._

__

__

_It’s nearing dark now, and I imagine Peg’s nearly got dinner ready. I’ll leave you here and send this letter to you. Without you here, I’ll have to send you all the minute details of my everyday life so you feel like I’m still right there with you. Goodnight, BJ. Sleep safe._

__

__

_Recall the words of my note to you,  
Hawkeye _

_____

_Dear Hawk,_

__

_I’ve never missed you more than I have in the last couple of months. Not only did I lose my best friend (and to my wife and daughter no less, shame on you) but two weeks later, I also lost Frank. Not that I miss Frank, but pranking him was my last solid tie to you._

__

__

_But then I got your letter._

__

__

_I’m hanging on your words like I do Peg’s. I don’t have anyone here to back me up when I get in trouble and your replacement, a stuffy Bostonian named Charles (who I make sure to call Chuck every so often), is all too happy to stay by himself. He loathed Frank almost as much as us, though he was much more covert about it. Quips using big words just bounced right off the major’s oak leaves._

__

__

_Charles did play one really good prank on Frank though. He and I took turns letting out and taking in the waist of Frank’s pants. For a week and a half, Frank was sure that the mess tent food was worse than normal and that there was something wrong with him; you know how paranoid he gets. We ran tests and obviously didn’t find anything wrong with him. But then Margaret broke up with him and the pranking stopped. He took it really hard; I almost felt bad for him. Well, I felt bad enough to stop pranking him, so that says something. Charles and I decided to be nice to him for a bit but those last few days after Margaret really broke him. He rambled about how she was his only friend and she had faked their friendship the entire time. He ended up on a section 8 discharge home after all that. I hope his wife is good to him._

__

__

_But now there’s this new guy Rusty. He’s a bit odd, but I’m sure you’d love him. He’s into all sorts of superstitions and mythology and lore, but more than that, he’s got a wicked sense of humor that parallels yours. He’s an encyclopedia of knowledge on lore. He even learned Korean to be able to understand the local legends and stories. He would have loved that shaman Colonel Potter brought into the camp._

__

__

_He’s given me a bit of salt for you, Peg, and Erin. He says that salt has protective properties and if this is the only way I can protect you all from Korea, then that’s what I’ll do. He sprinkled salt all around the perimeter of the Swamp, killing any plants for the next thousand years, I’m sure. He sprinkled it all over everything inside the Swamp (including me), and then he and I poured the remainder of the fifty pound sack al over Charles’s bunk. Salt might be a means of protection for evil and the devil, but I think it made a demon that night. It was worth it though, Charles stayed out of the Swamp as much as possible for the following week._

__

__

_Radar went home last night. His uncle died and his mother can’t take care of the farm with her health so Radar got a hardship discharge. As I write this, he’s on his way to San Francisco, I’m sure you and Peg have already gotten a place ready for him. He wasn’t gonna leave, but we all kinda made him. Klinger’s had a rough day of it today, trying to figure out the filing systems and all. He’ll do fine. He’s stopped wearing his dresses though, and I already miss them._

__

__

_Regarding my note to your note to me, I meant every word. All four of them. You’re my best friend and Peg knows about my feelings about you. She hasn’t said much about it, but I’m sure she understands. There’s only so much you can say in letters, courtesy of the censor department. They just called all personnel to triage, I’ll write later._

__

__

_I’m back, Hawk. And that was a rough one. I still expect your sense of humor through the OR but there’s nothing but dead air sometimes. Rusty does his best, filling the silence with tales of West Virginia. About this Moth-Man who lives there. We all thing he’s a bit crazy but I’m sure he means well. He also gave me a pressed four-leaf clover to send to you, one for Peg, and one for myself. I’m not sure how many more of these he’s got, but I’m sure they’re everywhere. I’m still cleaning salt out of my clothes and my bedding, but if it protects us, I don’t mind too much. At least it’s keeping the bugs away. And the rats._

__

__

_He says throwing salt on newlyweds is a way to protect them from the evils of the world and to ensure a long prosperous marriage. I told him Peg and I’d been married for three years, and were hardly newly weds, but he said that’s not what he’s talking about. He knows abut you, my best friend, though I’m not entirely sure how. Maybe he’s like Radar? Or maybe I’m that obvious. Who knows. I know I’m not too obvious, since you didn’t figure it out. After all, you are my best friend._

__

__

_I’m sure you’ll keep track of Erin and Peg for me and continue to be the man of the house. Give them each a kiss for me, and pet Waggles, too. Take care of Peg like I would._

__

__

_Refer to my note left in your pocket,  
BJ_


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, a shout out to @GlitterBreee for letting me use Michael <3

“Oh hey, sir, you’re looking a lot better than when we saw you last. That bruise on your face cleared up real well.” 

“That must be Walter,” Hawk said from the couch. “How’s it feel to be a civilian, Walter?” 

“Aw jeez, sir you can still call me Radar. Mrs Hunnicutt just called me that because, well because that’s my name. But you guys helped give me the name Radar so you can call me Radar.”

Hawkeye stood up and walked to Radar, wrapping his arms around him. “It’s good to see you, Radar. How’ve you been?” 

“Well I’m heading home so I’m glad about that but my uncle Ed died so I’ve gotta go home to help on the farm. I’ve gotta be the man of the house now.” He pulled back and pulled off his class A cap. 

“Well you can be our little Radar until you get back east. You’re not alone, you know.” 

“Yeah, I know, Hawk. It’s just— I’m tired. It was a long flight. Mind if I steal the couch from you?” 

Hawk scratched the back of his neck. “Well the couch isn’t comfy to sleep on, take it from someone who has a lot for the last two months, but if you don’t mind bunking together, you and I can share the guest bed.” 

“Well, I…”

“Ahh, c’mon Radar. No different than bunking together in the winter. It’ll just be a couple nights and I promise I won’t get handsy. Peg says I sleep in an army cot sized portion of the bed anyway, so you won’t even know I’m there.” 

“He does,” Peg said, carrying in a sleeping Erin. “I’ve got pictures.” She laid Erin out in the chair and pulled Hawk’s quilt over her legs. “You can sleep on the couch if you want, Walter.” 

“Thank you, Mrs Hunnicutt. I think I’ll bunk with Hawk though if you don’t mind. I’m gonna go get some sleep. I didn’t sleep yesterday or on the plane at all and I’m beat.” He grabbed his bag. “Can you show me the room when you get a chance, Mrs Hunnicutt?” 

“Call her Peg,” Hawk said. “I’ll show you the way. C’mon.” He made his way through the living room with ease, his fingers trailing on the wall as they got closer to the stairs. “I think Peg hates when I do this, but I hate using my cane around the house. At least it’s just washing the wall, rather than replacing broken belongings.” 

“So you have a cane to use now? Just like at the 4077th.” 

“Yeah, except this one is way cooler; I’ll show you when we get upstairs. I keep it in my room which isn’t really the best place for it but I know where it is. I haven’t used it much out and about since I don’t really have any places to go. Besides, I just got my casts off last week and before that I mostly just sat on the couch.” He turned to go up the stairs. “My dad came and visited that first day I was home, did Beej tell you? He woke me up with french toast that afternoon. He fed me right to burst. I’ll make you some for when you wake up. I’ve gotten pretty good at figuring out how to measure things out when I cook and Peg tries to keep the cupboards and the pantry organized the same.” 

“Yeah, that’s real neat Hawk.” He sounded exhausted and Hawk couldn’t blame him.

Hawkeye trailed his fingers along the wall until they got to the top of the stairs. “Okay, bathroom’s right there,” he said, motioning to the right. “It’s got a shower and a tub if you want to clean up. Linen closet is right there,” he said, motioning across the hall to a small walk-in closet. “Extra blankets are in there too, if you want them. It’s December but it’s way warmer here than in Maine. I usually bring my mother’s quilt up to the bed, the one Erin’s got now. That’s more than enough to stay warm. Peg’s bedroom and Erin’s room are down there, he pointed down the hallway to the far right, and then my room, and yours for the time being, is down this way.” He trailed his fingers down the wall to the hallway and opened the door. “Here we are.” 

Radar stepped inside and shucked off his jacket, tossing them onto Hawkeye’s footlocker. “Wow you really got a nice room.” He walks around as Hawk sits on the bed. “Is that the scrapbook we gave ya?” 

Hawk set his hand on the book and stroked the cover. “Yeah, I make sure I go through it to remember your faces every couple of days. I haven’t read the letters yet. I’ve gotta get on that.” 

“And the bear I got you.” Radar was staring at the bear, currently tucked in beneath the blanket. “You sleep with him?” 

“Of course. One of my closest friends gave him to me. He’s got Klinger’s bandana wrapped around his neck and the scarf is in this drawer,” he said, pulling open the drawer. “Along with this,” he said, “my cane.” He whipped open the cane and snapped in place. “Look how cool this is.” 

“Hey, that’s pretty nifty, Hawk. I bet it’ll be real helpful when you get to go out and go for walks and stuff.” 

“Yeah, I just like the way it snaps open like that.” He folded up the cane and put it back in his drawer. “I’ll leave you to shower and catch some Zs.” 

“Hey, thanks, Hawk. To you and Mrs Hunnicutt both.” 

“Yeah, no problem. I won’t expect you for supper tonight, but I’ll make sure I’ve got french toast for you in the morning. G’night, Radar.” 

“Goodnight, Hawkeye.” 

Hawkeye went back down the stairs and walked through to the kitchen. “He seems okay right now, but I think the nightmares will set in by morning.” 

“Do you get nightmares, Hawk? You’ve never woken me up with them.” Hawk gripped the edge of the counter as Peg pulled hamburgers off the stove. “Hawk?” 

“Every night.” 

_____

After supper, Hawk moved up the stairs as quietly as he could and slipped into his room. Radar was asleep on the bed, Hawk’s bear pushed over to Hawkeye’s side. Hawk changed into his pajamas, wincing every time his feet hit something. He slipped beneath the covers, tossing his mother’s quilt on top and fell asleep. 

Only to be woken up by Radar’s tossing and turning three hours later. He was whimpering in his sleep, his arms searching for something that wasn’t there. 

“Radar, it’s okay,” Hawk whispered. “You’re in the states now.” He didn’t wake up and Hawk didn’t know what to do. He knew how bad it felt to be yanked out of a nightmare, but staying in them was sometimes just as bad. He grabbed his teddy bear and eased it onto Radar’s chest. Radar’s arms clasped tightly around it and his tossing and turning calmed. “Sleep well, kid.” He turned back onto his side and fell asleep. 

_____

Radar woke up and walked down the stairs, immediately going to the kitchen. “Good morning,” he greeted Peg and Erin at the dining room table. 

“Good morning, Walter. How’d you sleep?” 

“Not bad, thank you. Hawk in the kitchen?” 

“Yeah, he’s making breakfast. He’s… it’s one of his bad days, just as a warning.” 

He’d seen Hawk’s bad days in Korea. He could deal with his bad days stateside just as easily. “Alright, I’ll be careful.” He walked into the kitchen and saw Hawk with his finger in the measuring cup.

“Hi Radar,” he said. 

“Hey Hawk. Whatcha doing there?” 

Hawk poured milk until it hit a certain place on his finger, dumped it into his bowl, and did it again. “Making french toast.” His hands gripped around for the eggs. He knew he’d put them to the right. 

“Up a bit higher.” 

Hawk pushed his fingers closer to the wall and grabbed the carton. “Thanks.” He cracked eggs into a separate bowl before dumping them in the big bowl with the milk. 

“What’d ya do that for?” 

“It makes it easier if I think I’ve got a shell in the egg. It’s easier to get it out of the small bowl than the big one.” 

“Couldn’t you just put the eggs in the big bowl first?” 

Hawk’s hands kept moving as he measured out his other ingredients and dumped them in. “Yeah.” 

“So, hey listen Hawkeye, did Mrs Hunnicutt tell you about the family reunion we’re planning? We’re inviting everyone together in New York so the everybody’s families can meet each other. We’re even getting some people who’ve gone home like me. Pretty nifty, huh? We’re having trouble setting a date though, what with me coming home and Christmas coming up and everything.” 

“Well I’m free all day, every day. I’m at the whim of whoever’ll move me.” 

“Well what about Waggles?” Hearing his name, the dog came over and nuzzled against Hawk’s leg. “BJ said you guys are training him to help you when you can’t see stuff.” 

“Yeah, he’s pretty good at it,” Hawk said. 

Radar sighed. “Sir, I know you’re having a bad day, but I’m trying to help you.” 

“You’re right,” Hawk said, “I should be trying to cheer you up. So what say you get the first french toast? The first ones get the most amount of cinnamon on them, they’re perfect. My dad and I always used to fight over who gets the first batch, but I will surrender the most perfect french toast to exist.” He dipped his hand in a glass of water and dripped it on the griddle heating on the stove listening to the sizzle. “Can you hand me the bread?” 

Radar looked to the counter and grabbed the bread from beside the sink, passing it into Hawk’s hands. “Hey, that’s pretty nifty. Is that how you see if the pan is hot enough?” 

“Yeah it’s come in handy a couple times when I can’t remember if I’ve turned the stove on or not. Nearly burned myself a couple of times.” He dipped the bread into the batter, moving everything closer to the warm griddle. “It’s harder trying not to make a mess making something like this so I try to make sure I clean everything after so Peg doesn’t have to.” He bent down closer to the stove top and set the bread onto the griddle.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” 

“Tell me if I’m getting too messy, but other than that, I’ve got it.” He set a few more slices on the griddle and pushed his bowl off to the side. “Now I’ve got to put everything back where it goes so I can find it next time I want it.” He began to move around the kitchen, placing things back in cupboards. “So what was going on before you left? Meet any cuties before you got to go home?” 

“Well, I—” Radar blushed. “No.” 

“Ohhh, so that’s a yes. Who is she?” Hawk leaned on the counter and looked toward Radar. 

“I didn’t meet any girls, Hawk. Honest.” He took a step back to ensure Hawk couldn’t see his cheeks flare. “There’s been a few new corpsmen, a couple a replacement doctors— one for you, that’s Major Winchester, and one for Frank— That’s Lieutenant Hill, but he goes by Rusty. He’s a good fellow.” 

“You’re deflecting, but go on.” Hawk grabbed a spatula and flipped over the french toast. “What’s this about replacing Frank?” 

“Well, Margaret broke up with Frank and he took it real hard. They got him on a section 8 outta there for a psych eval. He came back home but they promoted him and put him in charge of a vet hospital at Fort Wayne. He’s a lieutenant colonel now.” 

Hawk flipped the french toast onto a plate. “Well that sucks. Good that they got him out of Korea though. Those boys deserve a better chance and now they’ve got one. This— this Winchester— he’s good? And Rusty?” 

“Oh yeah they’re good. Major Winchester is a bit full of himself. And he’s not fast yet. But he’s good. And Rusty came in from a medic position. I don’t know why he wasn’t a doctor to start with because he’s fast and he’s efficient. Him and Captain Hunnicutt were pranking Major Winchester something decent, too.” 

Hawk smiled sadly. “Good, that’s— that’s good. I’m glad BJ has someone over there for him.” He put another set of french toast on the griddle. 

“Oh, no sir! He still misses you something fierce! He’s been moping around. He was writing you a letter when I left I think. Rusty’s just different than Majors Burns or Winchester and Captain Hunnicutt gets along with him, that’s all.” 

“Ah, it’s alright, Radar. He’s allowed to have other friends. I’m his best though so if he tries to replace me, I’ll have to fight whoever he picks.” 

“You would probably beat whoever it is but I don’t think he’ll try an’ replace you. He’s been pretty upset about you leaving.” 

Hawk flipped the french toast and leaned against the counter. He was deep in his mind still. “So who’s the girl you met?” 

“I didn’t meet a girl, Hawkeye.” 

Hawkeye perked up, a smile stretching across his face. “Ah, so you _are_ one too. Interesting. What’s he like?” Radar’s face flushed and he covered his face with his hands. “Aw, c’mon, Radar, you can tell Auntie Hawkeye.”

“He’s— His name is Michael.” 

“Ahh, Sergeant Salucci finally got to meet you, huh? And it worked out well?” 

“He told me he really liked you. Said you seem like a good guy. I told him first meetings are deceptive.” 

Hawk turned to Radar and stared at him, his face neutral. “I’m hurt, Radar. You’ve wounded me. So, is he a good kisser?” 

Radar flushed again. “Hawk,” he groaned, “Mrs Hunnicutt’s right out in the dining room.” 

“She’s not gonna know how he kisses.” 

“It was fine. Nice. And that’s all I’m going to say.” 

“You gonna see him when he comes back stateside? He lives in Chicago, you know. Illinois isn’t that far away from Iowa.” 

“I’m gonna write him from home. We’ll see what happens then.” 

Hawk grabbed a plate from the cupboard and handed it to Radar. “Help yourself. Syrup is in the door of the fridge. It’s the good stuff from Vermont.” Hawk laid out the last batch of french toast on the griddle. “So when do you go home?” 

“After breakfast,” Radar said quietly. “I’m sorry I can’t stay longer.”

“Don’t be. You’re going home! It’s what we all dreamed about. Just keep in touch, okay? Go eat and I’ll see you at the reunion in— did you ever actually decide on a date yet?” 

“No, but I’ll see you there, right? You promise?” 

“Do you think Peg would ever let me miss it? I’ll be there, Radar. I promise.” 

_____

Peg grabbed Erin and got her ready for the trip to the airport. 

“Leave her here, Peg. I can take care of her.” Peg was just far enough away where he couldn’t see her but he knew she was staring at him. “C’mon. You’re just dropping Radar off; it’s two hours that she’d be in her seat, let me watch her.” 

Peg was biting her lip, trying to think. “You know where everything is? Bottles, diapers, everything?” Hawk nodded. “It’s nearly noon, she’ll need a nap soon. That’s— it’ll be easier in the car.” 

“Peg, we’ll be okay, go. I’ll get some milk warming now and Erin and I are going to have a great time. C’mon Peg. I’m trying to help.” 

Peg tugged at the necklace around her neck and walked over to set Erin on the couch. “I’ll be back as soon as possible. Old Man Wallerstein is next door if you need anything and Mrs Hoffman might be home but I think she— never mind don’t call her, Ed’s probably drunk. Uhm—”

“Peg, I can handle a one year old for a few hours. Besides, isn’t Mr Wallerstein 82?” 

“83, please don’t need him,” she pleaded, grabbing her purse from the end table. “I’ll be back as soon as possible.” 

Hawk walked over and pushed her towards the door. “Go, we’ll be fine, Peg.” He turned to Radar and held out his hand. “I know you don’t like kisses.” 

Radar took Hawk’s hand in his and shook it before leaning in and pressing a chaste kiss to Hawk’s cheek. “I’ll see ya, Hawk.” 

“I’ll be at the reunion party. Save a dance for me, okay, Walter?” 

“Don’t call me that,” Radar said, cringing a bit as he walked out the door. “I’m still just Radar. See ya, Hawk.” 

The door closed behind them and Hawk turned to Erin. “Are you coming to me? I can hear you moving, where are you?” 

“Beh!” she screeched as she threw her arms around his legs. 

“There you are, bluebird. Let’s go warm up some milk, huh?” He hoisted her up onto his hip and walked to the kitchen, his fingers dancing around on her side. Her body buckled as his hands tickled her side and peals of laughter rang through each room they passed through. Hawk filled up a saucepan on the stove and grabbed a bottle from the cupboard. Thank god Peg was good about keeping things organized for him. He set Erin down on the floor and grabbed the jar that Peg had pumped and stored in the fridge, grabbed a funnel from the cupboard, and prepared the bottle. 

He filled a pot with hot water on the counter and eased the bottle inside. “Well, Erin bluebird, we’ve got a few minutes to wait while that heats up, what do you want to do?” 

She walked around the kitchen and padded through the house to the stairs. 

“Stairs,” Hawk said as she slapped the steps. “You want to go upstairs?” He followed her as she eased herself slowly up the stairs. “Are we gong to your room?” At the top of the stairs, she took a left and crawled down the hallway to Hawkeye’s bedroom. He pushed open the door for her. 

“Up,” she said as she tugged at Hawkeye’s quilt. He lifted her up on the bed and panicked as she immediately crawled for the edge, stretching out for Hawk’s bedside table. 

“Careful,” he warned. Her hands grabbed at things on his nightstand and she pulled at the scrapbook. “Do you want to look at the book?” She pulled at it and Hawk grabbed it away from her hands. “Come on, we’ll bring it back downstairs.” He propped the book under his arm, eased Erin back onto his hip, and made his way back downstairs. 

“Beh,” she whimpered, rubbing her eyes. 

“Are you tired? Huh? Bedtime for bluebird.” He set her down on the kitchen floor and grabbed the bottle from the counter. “You want to go sleep on the couch?” 

“Uh, no,” she said. She slipped down to the floor and laid on the floor. “For.” 

“You want to sleep on the floor?” 

“Uh huh,” she said, rubbing her eyes. 

“Okay,” Hawk said, handing the bottle over to Erin. “You start drinking this and I’ll be right back, okay?” He walked to the living room and grabbed a blanket from the front closet. Once back to the kitchen, he laid the blanket out on the kitchen floor and laid down beside Erin, scrapbook on his lap. “C’mere.” Erin climbed up on his lap and leaned her head against his chest.

Hawkeye opened the scrapbook and pulled the book over to Erin and peeled back the cellophane. He eased the picture out and the note from underneath it. “See this man, Erin? This is your daddy. He loves you so much. He’s trying his hardest to get back home to you. Can you say daddy?”

“Dah,” she tried around the bottle, rubbing at her eyes again. 

“Yeah, that’s your daddy. He loves you a lot. I miss him. And he misses you and mommy. He’s a good man. You’re lucky to have him as your daddy.” 

Erin snuggled in and yawned as Hawk talked to her. He set the book aside and laid down on the blanket with her, her body looking so much smaller alongside his. She sighed and pushed the glass bottle away from her. Her head was resting on Hawkeye’s arm. Hawk smiled as her breathing slowed and her eyes eased closed. 

He stared at the picture of BJ, leaning it against Erin’s head. His eyes started to ease closed as Erin’s breathing soothed him. 

_____

Peg came home to see the two sprawled out on the kitchen. Hawkeye was curled up onto his side all the way to the edge of the blanket. He still only took up a cot’s worth of space, even on the open floor. Erin, however, had no reservations about spreading her limbs out like a little starfish. A paper was set down by Hawk’s arm and a picture of BJ laid between him and Erin. She snuck back out of the kitchen and grabbed Hawk’s camera. The camera clicked and spit out the picture for her to shake. A second one for BJ and she set the camera and both pictures on the counter. 

Peg picked up the paper and looked at it, immediately recognizing her husband’s handwriting. She smiled. She and BJ had been talking for a while about his love for Hawkeye. It was about time that he finally admitted his feelings to Hawkeye. She picked up the photo and walked around Hawkeye, reassembling the scrapbook and setting it up on the counter. 

Hawk shifted as her heels clicked closer. “Peg?” 

“Hey,” she said, squatting down next to him. “Have a good nap?” 

He carefully eased his arm away from Erin and sat up, his eyes wide with sleep. “I didn’t even mean to—” He looked at Peg’s soft eyes, her blue eyes shining down at him. She was so beautiful. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” 

“That baby breathing is deadly, isn’t it? A baby falls asleep on you and you’re asleep. There’s no way to stop it.” 

“Yeah,” he whispered, still sleepy. His eyes were transfixed on hers. Her eyelashes were so long, her eyes so blue. Peg shifted to her knees, straightening her skirts around her as her and Hawkeye stared at each other. 

“You okay?” 

Hawkeye nodded. “Yeah.” 

Peg pressed forward into Hawkeye, her lips pressing gently against Hawk’s. His eyes closed as her lips moved against his. His hands fisted in his lap and his breath hitched. She eased back, her hands resting on Hawk’s leg. His eyes were wide, his lips fluttering in disbelief. 

“Much as I love kisses from members of my fan club, what about BJ?” 

Peg pulled her hands back and adjusted her sitting position to something more comfortable. “What about BJ?” she asked, genuinely confused. 

Hawkeye’s face scrunched up in distress before he pushed up to his feet. A small whine came from his throat and he disappeared up the stairs. Peg could hear him pacing the floor above her and she sighed. Well that hadn’t gone to plan. 

She brushed back a hair on Erin’s forehead and stood up, walking to the desk in the corner of the living room. 

_Dear BJ,_

__

_I kissed Hawkeye today. It didn’t go well. He quite literally ran from me, terrified, I think. He’s pacing the floor in his bedroom and even as I write, he’s slammed the bathroom door and he’s hiding in the shower. I’m hoping he can find it in himself to forgive me. I thought I read him right. We were staring into each others’ eyes, I leaned in and he didn’t lean away. He had just woken up though, and I feel as though I’ve taken advantage of him. I don’t know how I’ve mucked things up so badly._

__

__

“Beh!” Erin’s small voice cried from the kitchen. “Mama.” 

Peg pushed back the letter and stood up from the chair, making her way to the kitchen. “Hi beautiful girl! Did you have a good nap?” Peg and Erin continued their regular routine, but Peg’s mind was stuck on Hawkeye upstairs. Her chest felt heavy. Her ears listened for any sign of movement upstairs and as Erin finished up her dinner, albeit an early dinner, Peg cleaned up. “I’m gonna bring you upstairs for playtime, okay?” 

As she climbed the stairs with Erin in her arms, she noticed the shower was still running. How long had he been in there? She set Erin in her room and surrounded her with toys before walking to the bathroom door. She knocked on the door. “Hawkeye?” No answer. “Hawkeye can I come in?” When he didn’t answer again, she shoved the door open. 

Hawkeye was laying in the corner of the tub, the shower spray running over him. His head leaned against the wall and his eyes were closed. “Oh my god,” she said, running in. She fiddled with the knob on the shower and turned the hot water on more. It was nearly all the way off. “Hawkeye? Please answer me.” 

His head turned tiredly and stiffly to look at her. “What’re you doing?” 

“Warming you up. What the _hell_ were you thinking?” 

“Cold showers help me think,” he said. “My legs got tired.” 

Peg sighed and sat on the edge of the tub. “Can I help you wash your hair.” 

“BJ—” 

“BJ won’t mind. I promise. I’m just helping; nothing else.” 

“Okay,” Hawk said. 

Peg ran her hands over his shoulders. His skin was so cold. “I’d like to apologize for kissing you, but I can’t say I’m upset about it. I am sorry that it upset you, however. That’s entirely my fault and I take full responsibility for it.” She lathered some soap in her hands and scrubbed it into Hawk’s hair. Hawk leaned into her touch. It had been so long since someone had played with his hair. BJ… BJ was the last one to touch him like this. 

Guilt settled in his chest, creating a pit. He was wrecking a marriage. What was he doing? He tried to shake Peg’s hands off his head but she just murmured quietly that she was almost done. Hawk felt shame as he leaned forward under the spray of the water. Peg’s hands were too gentle on him for what he was doing. He had to push himself away. Walk away from whatever he was doing. As much as he was dreading it, maybe it was time to go home. 

He let Peg move his body whichever way was easiest for her as she washed him. She was so gentle with him, her fingers gently untangling snarls in his hair. 

“Why’d you do it, Peg?” His voice was thick with the tears he was holding back. 

“Because I like you, Ben. That’s all there is to it.” She slicked his hair back away from his face and watched as he curled up on himself. His knees came to his chest and his arms wrapped around them. 

“But BJ. This would kill him.” 

“BJ’s a grown man, I think he’ll be fine. We’ve talked about it. He loves you, I love you, what more is there to it? Erin loves you.” She turned off the water and grabbed the towel from the counter. “The only one who doesn’t love you seems to be you, Hawkeye.” 

“You can’t love me.” 

“Why not?” She handed him the towel which he immediately wrapped around his waist. He stood up, legs shaking, and held himself up against the wall. 

“Why should you? I contribute nothing. I am nothing,” he said, climbing out of the tub and sitting back on the side. He raked his nails across his skin, scratching away the tingle of warmth coming back to his body. 

Peg maneuvered between his legs, which made his eyes grow large and she pressed her forehead against his, staring into his eyes. “You are everything to BJ and I, don’t you know that? Did you even read the scrapbook note he wrote you?” Hawk shook his head, a little intimidated by this small woman. “Get out of that well of self pity, get dressed, go read it, and then we can talk. But know that I love you. And I love BJ. And one does not negate the other.” She leaned back and pressed a kiss to his forehead before leaving and heading back to Erin’s room. 

Hawk moved as though he was in a trance. That woman, that beautiful, smart, infuriating, benevolent woman. She was going to kill him yet, he was sure of it. He made his way downstairs and searched for his scrapbook. Finding it on the kitchen counter, he peeled back the cellophane once more and pulled the letter out. He flipped the letter open and pulled the letter to his eyes. 

_Hawkeye,_

__

__

_You’re my best friend; let’s just get that out of the way first. I’m so glad I met you. If I had to be stuck in Korea, I’m glad it was with you, at least for a while. You made this crazy place a little crazier, but you made it so much easier._

__

__

_I hope you’ll be in San Fransisco when I get back, but here’s a bit of a note to expand on the one I handed you. This is one that the censors can’t censor._

__

__

_I love you. That’s all there is to it. I love you. I love Peg and Erin. But I love you, too. It’s taken a while to get over the guilt I felt about it, but I’m sure that I love you as much as I love Peg._

__

__

_I can’t wait to see your face once I get stateside. You know how long it takes to rack up points, but maybe the odds will be in my favor. The first thing I’m going to do is kiss Peg, then my baby girl, but once we get out of the public eye, watch out Benjamin. You’re all mine. Peg’s going to have to wait her turn._

__

__

_I have to hurry up and finish this note before you wake up and decide to wander the compound again and if you’re still asleep once I finish, I’ll be helping Radar, but know that there’s so much i want to say to you but the biggest one is that I love you._

__

__

_I love you so much,  
_Love BJ.__

____

____

Hawkeye leaned against the counter, staring at the note. Was he reading this right? His eyes were definitely not the best anymore was he— did he—? He growled. 

“Letter not what you were expecting?” Peg asked, making Hawk jump. 

“He can’t— I’m not—”

“You are so worth loving, Ben. You’re more than worth it. BJ knew when he sent you here that it would end up like this, you know.” 

“Like what?” Hawk asked, folding up the note and carefully sealing it back in the scrapbook. 

“Like this.” Peg eased up on her tiptoes and pressed her lips gently to his. Hawk didn’t immediately run this time, which was progress to Peg. He eased back from her, wild-eyed. “Ben, BJ knows. Okay? He knew this would happen before I even met you. Please don’t run from me.” 

Hawk’s hands came up to rest on her waist. “I won’t run,” he whispered, still not meeting her eyes. 

“Ben? Do you want to go home? Do you want to go back to Maine?” 

His fingers played with the belt on her dress. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I’ve always had a rule that I don’t fool around with married women. And how much more married can you get than married to my best friend? I just…want… something familiar.” 

“Ben?” She tried moving into his field of view, only for him to dart his eyes away again.

“If I go visit my dad, can I come back? Just for a little while. Can I come back?” 

“Of course you can. Please, come back. I want you to come back.” She ran her hands up his chest. Her heart was heavy in her chest and her eyes hurt from holding back tears. She blinked them away in an attempt not to guilt him. “But if you want to go, go. I won’t force you to stay. Do you want a ride to the train station?” 

Hawkeye thumbed the tears away from her eyes, finally looking at her. “Raincheck?” 

Peg laughed relieved and the tears finally trailed from her eyes. “Yeah, absolutely.” 

“And you promise BJ knows?” 

“You can read his letters yourself if you need to. If that’s what you need to believe me, I’ll go get the letters.” 

“No, I believe you,” he said, “I think.” 

“Then can you kiss me?” 

He kissed her like he’d been aching for it. He had been, not that he’d tell her that. His hands moved from her waist to her back, pulling her against him. One hand came up to cup her face and tilt her chin up to him. She was putty in his hands and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that. But she was soft and she was sweet and Hawk was sure he’d never kissed anyone so perfect. 

“That was nice,” Peg said. “I could do that again and again.” 

“Anything for you.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly porn without plot past the line break so just keep that in mind. :) 
> 
> Before the page break there's plot tho so you might want to read it. Also a little bit after the second page break.

Hawkeye hadn’t really led the house since he’d gotten here but now without his casts and with a cane, he was seemingly unstoppable— well, except for that whole sight thing. He wandered out the front door and started walking down the sidewalk. He’d taken a wooden cane he’d left on the front porch and strolled away from the house. The air felt wonderful against his face and he hadn’t felt real sunlight in… months. The most he’d felt was getting into the car the day he’d gotten his cast off. 

He didn’t realize until he turned around to go back that he didn’t have a way of telling which house was Peg’s. 

Unless he decided to walk up to each house and try to figure it out that way. 

Which might cause more problems than fix them. 

Damn it. 

Hawk wandered back, his cane more of an accessory at this point. He’d found out on the way out that the sidewalks were fairly new and in great condition. He hadn’t felt so much as a crack as he walked. Someone slammed into him as he walked. “Sorry,” he said, stumbling. “Sorry. Excuse me, can you help me find Peg Hunnicutt’s place?” 

The woman stared at him. “It’s right there,” she pointed.

“Great. Lovely. Fantastic. Once little problem though— I can’t see where you’re pointing.” 

“Oh, uh—” 

Hawk held out his hand. “Hawkeye Pierce,” he said, “I’m staying with Peg and Erin.” 

“Lois Casey. I live right there.” She blushed slightly. “Uh— two houses down from the Hunnicutts. Can I help you get back to the house?” 

“If you could, yeah.” 

Lois wrapped her arm with Hawk’s and he smiled down at her. “So— Hawkeye is it?— how do you know the Hunnicutts?” 

“I worked with BJ in Korea. We— He’s my best friend.” 

“And you’re staying with Peg now?” 

Hawkeye loved people like this. She was an information fisher and a pretty overt one at that. He was sure the neighbors had already started gossiping; it’s not like he and Peg had hidden him. He was hiding away but not because he was ashamed. “It was either anonymity in Mill Valley or pity back home in Crabapple Cove. I don’t handle pity well and Peg’s a real doll. I can see why BJ loves her.” 

“So you’ve got no one waiting for you at home?” 

She was really fishing. And Hawkeye was nothing if not a catch. They turned to walk up the driveway. “Just my dad. He came out here when I first got home to visit.” 

“Was that the nice older gentleman with Peg?” 

“A few months ago? Yeah.” 

Lois led him to the front porch— “Steps.”— and led him to the front door. “It’s been nice talking to you, Hawkeye.” 

“Of course.” Hawkeye took her hand in his and pressed a gentle kiss across her knuckles. “Thank you for leading the blind back home,” he said. “It’s really great of you.” Lois’s cheeks flushed as Hawkeye walked back in the house. He closed the door behind him, a smirk on his face. “Honey, I’m home!” 

“How was your walk?” Peg called from upstairs. 

Hawkeye walked upstairs and found Peg sorting through clothes on the bed. He pressed a kiss to her cheek. “It was good. Met one of the neighbors— Lois. She usually that nosy?” 

Peg huffed and rolled her eyes. “She’s a busybody. What’d you tell her?” 

“The truth but nothing she could misconstrue. I think. She just helped me back to the house. I told her I was staying with you and Erin, that BJ’s my best friend and that I don’t handle pity well.” He sat down on the bed. “Oh and that the ‘nice older gentleman’ with you was my dad. Good to know the neighborhood watch is up and running.”

Peg packed clothes into a suitcase. “They’re all just nosy. It’s why BJ and I are pranking them. It’s driving them crazy that they’re being pranked and no one knows who it is.” 

“What are you packing for?” 

“We’re heading to New York for the party that BJ set up.” Hawk stared at her silently. “What?” 

“Don’t you think you should have told me before this?” 

Peg smiled at him and continued packing her and Erin’s outfits in one bag, Hawk’s in another. “I mentioned it to you a while ago. But isn’t it much more fun this way? Now you can’t make up some silly excuse about why you can’t go.” 

“What if I just don’t want to?” 

“Oh, come on, Ben. It’ll be fun. They’re your friends more than they’re mine. And you and Radar can tell them all sorts of fun stories. You lived them. I can only tell them what BJ’s told me in letters and that’s no fun. I think Major Burns will be there. You can pretend you see fine and it was all a discharge ploy. That’ll really make him angry.” 

“I do like pranking Frank,” Hawk mused, a mischievous grin on his face. “When do we leave?” 

“There’s a flight this afternoon; the party’s tomorrow,” Peg said. “Anything specific you want to bring?” 

“My Hawaiian shirt. Is it clean?” 

“I don’t have it in here yet.” 

“Okay,” Hawk said, pushing himself off the bed. “I’ll go find it.” He walked down the hall and into his room, pushing through his drawers, hoping to catch sight of blue and white. Nothing. He shuffled through his closet, pushing hangers to the side. 

Erin walked in and grabbed onto his pants, pulling at them. “Ben!” 

“Hey bluebird. Can you help me find my shirt? It’s blue and white. Do you know blue? Like Waggles’s collar. Blue.” 

Peg stepped into the room. “Hawk, she’s a year old.” 

“She’s smart; she could know her colors.” 

Peg eased Hawk to the side and searched through his closet. “I put it in here the other day. It should be here.” She shuffled an empty hanger to the side and stared at it. “Did you get any clothes out of here since I did laundry last?” Hawk shook his head. “It should have been right here. Is it something you really need?” 

Hawk rocked back on his heels slightly. “No. I’ll be okay with out it,” he said. “Just thought it’d be a fun idea.” 

“I’ll keep a look out for it, okay?” Peg leaned up and kissed his cheek. 

“Anything I can do to help get ready for the flight?” 

“Just get ready for a long plane ride.”

_____

They’d gotten to the hotel around 9:00 local time, Erin asleep in Hawk’s arms. She’d nursed in the car and Hawk had offered to hold her. It was a bit of trouble trying to carry Erin and his cane while Peg carried the suitcases but he’d insisted on carrying Erin. She led Hawk to the concierge.

“Reservation for Ben and Peg Pierce? We’re here with the Reunion Party.” Hawk tried to stifle the grin on his face. “Of course, madam.” The man searched through his papers and grabbed a room key. “May we help you with your bags?” 

“Yes, please. Ben do you want me to take her? If someone’s grabbing our bags, I can grab her.” 

Hawk shifted Erin in his arms and adjusted his cane in the other. “No I think I’ve got her. You’ve been carrying our bags, I can handle her.” They made their way upstairs and the bellhop opened the door for them, handing the key to Peg. 

“Your room. You were upgraded to a double room, courtesy of the owners. Thank you for your service, sir. Enjoy your stay here at the Pierre Hotel.” 

Hawk gave the man a tight smile. _How’d they find out?_

“Thank you,” Peg said as the man walked away. She pulled the suitcases into the room and set them at the edge of the bed. “Let me put her next door, okay?” She eased Erin from Hawk’s arms and swept off into the other room. 

“Peg, I can take this room,” he said, following her. “We’ve never— I have my own bed at home, I can take the single here.” 

“You have your own bed at home because you refuse to join me in mine.” Peg laid Erin in the bed and covered her up, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “I’m going to go freshen up,” she said with a wink. 

Hawkeye’s heart stuttered a bit. 

“Hey, BJ knows. It was his idea. We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to, Ben.” 

“I know,” he said. “I just can’t believe you’d want me when you’ve got someone like BJ.” 

“I could say the same thing about you,” she said. “Why would BJ want someone like me when he’s got someone like you?” 

Hawk tossed his head back and laughed. “Yeah, like I could ever compare to you, Peg.” 

“Exactly. You can’t because we’re in different leagues. He loves us for different reasons just like I love the two of you for different reasons.” Peg unzipped the back of her dress and stepped out of it as it pooled to the floor. “I’m going to take a shower,” she said. “Feel free to join me.” 

Hawk watched the neckline of her dress drop. “I bet the entire view is even prettier than what I can see.” 

Peg stepped into the bathroom. “Follow me and find out.” The door closed most of the way behind her and Hawk smiled, picking up her dress and placing it on the back of the chair in the room. 

He walked through to Erin’s room and walked into her bathroom. Showering was an intimacy he wasn’t quite ready for. He’d showered before they left California so he didn’t really need another one but the spray of the hot water was calming. 

He was out before Peg finished and he walked back to their room, towel around his waist. He stared at the bed. He knew the suitcases were around here somewhere. And he knew he didn’t really _want_ to wear clothes but he felt like he _should_. 

Arms wrapped around his waist and he jumped, holding his hand to his chest. “Shit, Peg.” 

“I’m sorry,” she giggled. “I thought you heard me.” She pressed a kiss to Hawkeye’s back and he stifled a sigh. 

“Maybe my ears are going the way of my eyes,” he said. “What’ll you do with me then?” 

Peg began to sway them in place. “Love you just as much as I do now.” She turned Hawk around and began to hum, dancing them around the room. “You were thinking too much.” She went back to humming. 

“Don’t dip me too low, darling. I’ve barely got a stitch on.” Peg laughed and dipped Hawk. His towel shifted and he lunged to grab it. “Peg!” She pulled him back up, laughing, and he wrapped his towel back around his waist. “You’re dangerous.” 

“You have no idea,” she said. She walked over to the bed, her robe shifting as she walked. “Do you want to go to sleep?” 

Hawkeye looked at the bed and shook his head. “No.” 

“Do you want to come kiss me?” 

Hawk moved towards the bed. “More than anything. But lose the robe.” 

Peg grinned and unknotted the tie. “With pleasure.” 

“Climb up on the bed.” 

Peg climbed up on the bed and relaxed herself back into the mattress. Her whole body felt light as she waited for Hawkeye to join her. “You’re a bit overdressed for this,” she said, yanking at his towel. “You don’t have to look so nervous.” 

“Not nervous,” he said. “Disappointed. I can’t see how gorgeous you are all laid out for me.” He climbed on the bed and straddled her hips, closing his eyes. “Let me memorize you.” 

Hawk’s hands were gentle on her face. His fingers brushed against her cheeks, traced the curve of her brow bone. Peg watched his face as he swiped a thumb up her cheekbone and pushed back her hair. He trailed down to her mouth, his thumb tracing her bottom lip until she sucked it in her mouth. Hawk’s cock stirred and Peg smirked as Hawk grinned. She released his thumb with a kiss. 

He traced his knuckles back up her cheek to her ear, his forefinger trailing down the underside of her jaw. He lifted her chin and his finger drew a long, teasing line down her throat. Her breath hitched and she whimpered quietly as he reached the hollow between her collarbones. 

Hawk opened his eyes for a second before bending down to kiss her neck. His finger traced down the column of her throat, searching for the spot that made her whimper. “You’re so beautiful,” he said. 

“You’re not even looking.” 

Hawk smiled against her skin. “And yet I’ve never seen you more clearly.” Hawk closed his eyes and trailed one hand up her arm, following it above her head and he laced their fingers together. The other hand trailed up her shoulder and down her other arm. 

Peg _felt_ seen. 

Hawk released her hand and cupped her face, leaning in to kiss her. It was soft and careful. It was sweet. It was _love_. 

Hawk adjusted himself, moving lower on her thighs and trailing his hands down her sides. He laughed as she buckled to the side. His hand had obviously hit a nerve and he searched to tickle her again. His hand clutched her side, tickling her. Her laugh was breathless as she tried to push him off and he just laughed, leaning in to kiss her again. 

His hands were careful as they trailed up from her bellybutton up her sternum to that hollow between her collarbones again. His eyes were still closed but Peg watched his every movement. His hands skirted across her collarbones and trailed back down her side, narrowly missing her breasts.

“Ben,” she whimpered. 

His hands were resting on her ribcage, his thumbs tracing the pattern of her ribs. “So impatient,” he said, smiling. His thumbs followed her ribs higher and higher until his thumbs pressed against the soft skin of her breasts. 

“Please, Ben,” she said, arching up against him. She pushed her breasts into his hands, sighing as his thumbs flicked against her nipples. He pinched them, making her gasp. “Yes.” Hawk eased his mouth onto her breast and swirled his tongue around the nipple. 

“How high is the neckline for your dress tomorrow?” 

“Pretty high,” Peg replied breathlessly. 

Hawk sucked and bit a bruise into the pale skin. “Good.” He teased Peg, his mouth on one breast, his hand, pinching, rubbing, groping the other. Then he switched, biting another bruise. He still hadn’t opened his eyes but he hoped they were dark enough to stick around for a while. Hawk kissed down her stomach and eased her legs apart before neglecting her altogether. 

“Ben!” She looked down at him, his eyes closed, a blissful smile on his face. 

His finger traced up the arch of her foot, the top, and she tensed when he hit her ankle. He smiled as he leaned down and pressed a kiss to the bone there, his fingers trailing up her leg. Where his fingers went, his lips followed. He pressed a kiss to the back of her knee and she jolted, tossing her leg over Hawk’s shoulder. 

“You’re a tease, you know.” 

“Shh, I’m memorizing.” He turned his head and pressed a kiss to the other leg. His hands curled underneath them and were reaching up to hold onto her hips as Hawk trailed kisses up her thighs. 

“Ben, please,” Peg groaned, thrusting her hips towards Hawk’s face. He unwrapped one arm from under her thigh and set it against her pelvis, holding her down. His other arm joined it, reaching up to pinch her nipples again. His hand trailed down her stomach and Peg watched him. His movements were careful and deliberate but soft and teasing. His hands joined each other between her legs, holding her legs apart for him to crawl between. Hawk’s fingers spread her labia and Hawk teased her with kisses before finally leaning in to taste. 

Hawk finally opened his eyes and looked up at Peg. He couldn’t see her, which broke his heart, but her pupils were blown. She watched him as he fingered her, his forefinger prepping her first. It was pointless, her pussy was already dripping as he teased her, but he added another finger and curled them inside her. 

Peg’s clit hit Hawk’s tongue and he took that as an invitation to latch his mouth around her and suck. “Shit, Ben.” His tongue traced her folds as he fucked her with his fingers. “Oh, it’s like you were made for this.” Hawk smiled against her and she reached down to grab a fistful of his hair. He moaned with her in his mouth and her hips bucked up against him. “I’m getting close.” 

Peg pushed up onto her elbows to watch him, adjusting her grip on his hair. She tugged on his hair and wrapped her legs over his shoulders. Hawk was pinned against her and there was no way he could move away if he wanted to. Not that he ever wanted to. He looked up at Peg through his eyelashes and she moaned. God, he looked pretty. Pegs body grew warmer just watching him. 

The muscles in her legs tensed as she could feel her arousal burn low in her stomach. Her hips canted up towards Hawk’s mouth and his tongue traced around her clit. He leaned back slightly and looked at her, his thumb rubbing against her clit as his fingers curled up against her. 

“Ben,” she whined, her breathing stuttering as she looked at him. 

“Let go,” Hawk said, ducking his head back down. His thumb moved aside so his tongue could swipe against her clit. 

Peg’s breathing quickened and she fucked her hips against Hawk’s mouth. “Harder, _please_.” 

His fingers fucked her harder, his tongue moved a little rougher, and his free hand curled up under her back to push her against his face. Peg whined softly with every breath as she fucked up against him. 

“Ben, I’m—” 

Her back arched off the bed and Hawk held her up against his mouth. Her body shivered against him as she eased back to the mattress, her thighs still tight around his head. Hawk had removed his fingers, his hand resting on her hip, but his tongue was lazily cleaning her up. Her legs fell away from his head, her hips pulling away from him. 

Hawk licked one last strip from her dripping cunt to her clit before pressing soft kisses to the insides of her thighs. “You’re killing me, Ben. Oh my god.” Her chest was heaving and her hands began to pet Hawk’s hair rather than pull it. She smoothed it back in place and ran a hand down his cheek that he leaned into. “You’re so good. Has BJ gotten to feel your mouth?” 

“No,” Hawk shook his head. “Never.” 

“He’s in for a treat then.” Peg pulled at Hawk until he climbed up and laid down next to her. She kissed him, tasting herself all over his tongue and lips. She mouthed at his chin, tasting herself there. Hawk pulled his fingers up to his mouth and Peg pulled his hand towards her own, cleaning his hands of her. “How was your memorizing?” 

“I think I’ll have to try it again,” he said, lopsided grin on his face. “If you’d like.” 

“Yeah, I’d— I’d really like. You’re so good, Ben.” Peg rolled over and laid on him, her head resting in the crook of his shoulder. “So what makes Ben Pierce purr?” 

Hawk trilled his tongue a bit and kissed the top of Peg’s head. “A gorgeous woman in my arms.” 

Peg kissed Hawkeye’s neck and he sighed. “What do you like when it comes to sex?” 

“You,” Hawk said blissfully. “BJ.” 

“I thought you’ve never—”

“Oh but I’ve imagined it plenty.” He looked over at Peg’s amused smirk. “What?” 

Peg sat up and straddled Hawk’s hips, his dick hot against her. “You ever imagine it like this?” 

“No,” Hawk said. “Not exactly.” Peg hummed as she leaned down and mouthed along Hawk’s jaw. He groaned in her ear and she nipped at him. “Usually I’m sandwiched between you and BJ. He’s fucking into me and I fuck you.” Peg leaned back and ground down against Hawk and he whimpered. 

“I can give you half of that and it’s your choice which one.” 

“What?” 

“I may have been… a bit presumptuous and brought a strap on.” 

Hawk’s mouth went dry and he stared at her. “You’re joking.” Peg leaned back, seating Hawk’s cock firmly inside her, and stared at him, shaking her head. “Oh, shit Peg.” He bucked up against her.

“I’m not joking. I wasn’t planning on mentioning it though,” she said, rocking back. She sat up and stared at him. His pupils were dilated, his blue eyes dark. “God, you look beautiful like this. I can’t believe I beat BJ seeing you like this. He had so many chances to have you underneath him like this and he didn’t take them.” Peg set her hands down on Hawk’s chest and began to ride him. Her thrusts were long and slow and every time Peg seated herself on him, Hawk exhaled sharply. “You’re so loud any other time, you’re quiet now?” 

“We’ve got neighbors,” Hawk said, his voice shaking. “It’d be rude to wake them at this hour.” 

Peg lifted herself from Hawk’s lap and crawled down between his legs. “I can prep you and grab the strap or I can give you a blowjob.” 

“Prep,” Hawk said, gasping as Peg stroked his cock. “Please.” 

“I’ll grab the strap.” Peg climbed off the edge of the bed and rummaged through the suitcase. She tossed a bottle of lube up beside Hawk. She watched him stroke himself as she pulled the strap between her legs and adjusted it so the dildo was pressed against her clit. “Let me see you first.” 

Peg crawled up on the bed and straddled Hawk’s chest. “See or memorize?” 

“Both,” Hawk moaned, taking the head of the strap in his mouth. His hands danced down her back and he plucked at the straps holding the dildo in place as he grabbed her ass. “I’m so damn lucky.” Peg grabbed ahold of the headboard and pulled herself forward to fuck into Hawk’s mouth. 

“Fuck you take my cock so good, Ben.” Her hips pumped against his face. He gagged around her and she pulled back. 

“Out of practice,” he rasped. 

Peg scooted back and kissed him, her tongue pushing into his mouth. He tasted like her. She moved back down to the end of the bed and grabbed the lube, twisting open the cover. “Are you ready?” 

Hawk nodded frantically and Peg pressed at the edge of his hole. Hawk pushed himself down against her finger, wincing slightly at the intrusion. She watched the furrow in his brow ease and she pressed another finger in. Her thrusts were shallow and he pushed back against her, silently begging for more. 

“Stop,” Peg ordered and Hawk pressed his hips back into the mattress with a whimper. “Good boy.” 

Hawk couldn’t help the whine that ripped from his throat. 

“You like that? You like being my good boy?” she asked, scissoring her fingers. 

“Yes,” he said, pushing back down against her. “I’m ready, please Peg.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“ _Yes_.” 

Peg leaned over the edge of the bed and grabbed the towel that Hawk had used for his shower, wiping her hand off on it. She grabbed the lube and poured some on her cock, stroking the hard length to spread it. Hawk moaned at the slick noise and he looked forlorn at Peg. “I’m getting there. Stop being impatient.” 

She pressed the blunt head of her cock against him and Hawk immediately pushed back. Peg’s hand came down on Hawk’s thigh, slapping a red mark against his thigh. Hawk gasped and his thighs tightened against her sides. 

“Behave.” She pressed the head of the cock past his rim and sat there, waiting for him to push himself down. When he didn’t she eased in slowly until her hips seated against his pelvis. She leaned down and pressed a kiss to his chest. “There’s my good boy.” 

Hawk’s cock was dripping against his stomach and Peg wrapped a hand around it. He bucked up to meet her hand. “If you do that, I don’t know how long I’ll last.” 

Peg’s hips eased back and snapped forward, barely giving Hawk time to adjust. “Maybe I want to see you cum all over yourself. I’d love to see you lose it.” 

Hawkeye moaned as Peg began to fuck him. She kept changing the pace of her strokes. Hawk watched her as she took her time— long, deep thrusts filling him up— and he whined when she pounded into him relentlessly. 

“You’re a lot more vocal like this,” she remarked. “You sound so pretty.” 

“More,” Hawk begged. “Please, Peg. I’m so close. Please, please, _please_.” 

She hiked his knees up to his chest and braced herself on his shins, her pace bruising. “Untouched?” she asked. Hawk nodded, gasping. She shifted just enough to hit his prostate and he looked up at her, his eyes crossing as they fluttered closed. “Now, Ben.” She hit his prostate with a relentless pace, her hips snapping against him. 

Hawk pulled her down to him and he bit her shoulder, muffling the moan that tore from his throat. Peg’s hips faltered and she whimpered at the bite. Hawk released her and sunk back to the mattress. Their chests were heaving as they breathed. Hawk’s eyes were closed and Peg pressed a kiss to his cheek as she slipped out from between his legs. Hawk whimpered at the new emptiness and sat up, searching for her.

“I’m just cleaning up.” She grabbed the towel and wiped him down, slipping off the strap and wrapping it up. She turned off the light and climbed into bed beside Hawk. “Your cheeks are all rosy,” she said, pressing a kiss to his cheek. 

Hawk nodded, his eyes still closed. 

“Are you going to climb under the blankets?” He shook his head. “Are you okay?” Peg curled up into his side and laid her arm across his chest. He nodded his head and she burrowed her face into his neck. “I don’t believe you,” she said softly. She moved down and rested her head on Hawk’s chest instead, feeling the beating of his heart against her cheek. “You regret it.” 

Hawk shook his head. “Thoroughly fucked. But guilty. BJ would kill to be in my spot right now.” Hawk wrapped his arm around Peg and pulled her close. “I love you.” 

Peg sniffed back the tears that immediately sprung to her eyes. “I think that’s the first time you’ve said you love me.” 

“What?” 

“That’s the first time you’ve told me you love me,” she said, looking up at him. 

“I love you. I do, Peg. I’m so sorry I haven’t said it.” Hawk flipped them over and he pinned Peg underneath him. “I love you.” He kissed her. “I love you.” Another kiss. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” Peg laughed from beneath him as he miscalculated and kissed her eye. “You moved!” 

“I did no such thing!” Peg wrapped her arms around Hawk’s neck. “I love you, Ben.” 

“I could use another rinse off,” Hawk said. “Care to join?” Peg nodded and Hawk grabbed her hand, pulling her off the bed behind him. She turned the lamp on by the bed and stepped in front of him, leading him to the bathroom as he stretched his arm out to find the wall. Peg turned the water on and held her hand beneath the spray. She flicked the water from her fingers towards Hawk’s face. He scrunched his nose up at her. 

The water spray warmed up and Peg stepped in the shower, guiding Hawk in with her. His hands immediately fell to her hips. Her hands rested up on his chest. Peg moved them so Hawk was standing between her and the spray of the shower head. His hair would dry far faster than her own.

“Water is calming, isn’t it?” Peg nodded. “I spent many summers swimming in the ocean near my home. Of course the water was always frigid but what kid cares about that? We’d freeze before we’d admit we were cold. My dad had to pull us out of the water a few times.” 

“Us?” 

“Me and Tommy,” Hawk said quietly. “He was my best friend.” 

Peg’s hands wiped at Hawk’s stomach, rinsing him off. “What happened to him?” 

“Korea. He died on my table. There wasn’t anything I could do to save him. I didn’t even get the chance to try, he was too far gone by the time he got there.” Hawk blinked back tears from his eyes. “That was the first time I cried in Korea.” 

“I’m so sorry, dear. I know that means nothing but I truly am.” 

“It’s okay,” Hawk said. 

“It’s not. Nothing about this is okay. I’m so sorry.” 

“Korea couldn’t have been the worst thing for me, right? I met BJ. He sent me here to you. I got benefits for life now.” 

“It’s okay to mourn what you’ve lost, you know.” 

“If I did that, I don’t know if I’d ever stop mourning.” Hawk leaned out of the shower and grabbed Peg’s abandoned washcloth from earlier and ran it over his body, cleaning the tack of lube off him. “Being with you is much more preferable to mourning. Especially if it’ll be like that every time.” 

“Well we shouldn’t stay up too late. The party starts tomorrow at 5. Maybe we can get another round in before then,” Peg said with a wink, stepping out and toweling off. She dried her body and tossed the towel at Hawk. “I’ll clean up the strap when you’re done, okay?” 

Warmth flushed Hawk’s cheeks. “Yeah, alright.” He stepped out of the shower and began to pat himself dry. “Can you get a pair of boxers out for me?”

“I’ll set it on the edge of the bed, okay?” She left the room and slipped back into her robe, discarded on the floor. She pulled out a pair of boxers and set them on the bed. Grabbing the dirty towel, she carried it to the bathroom, passing Hawk on the way out. “They’re on the bed, okay?” 

Hawkeye sat on the edge of the bed, slipping the underwear on. He brought the towel back to the bathroom and blushed at Peg washing the strap in the sink. 

Peg caught his eye in the mirror and she smirked. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you blush so much.” 

“It’s a post coital glow,” Hawk said, resting his chin on her head. She smiled at him and he leaned around and kissed her temple. “I’ll go check on Erin and meet you in bed, okay?” He padded out of the room and Peg smiled, drying off the dildo. 

She carried the strap to the room and tucked it back in Hawkeye’s suitcase. He was still in Erin’s room and Peg could hear him talking to her. 

“Goodnight, Bluebird.” 

Peg leaned against the doorway and smiled. “Come to bed, Ben.” 

Hawk looked up at her and smiled. He kissed Erin on the forehead and stood up. Walking towards the doorway, he began humming. His hands held onto Peg’s hips and he pushed her back towards the bed. “Bedtime. We’ve got to get our rest.” Peg’s legs hit the bed and she stumbled back, Hawk’s body laying on top of her. “Oh, hello,” he said, leaning down to kiss her. “Come here often?” 

“First time actually,” she teased. She moved up on the bed and shoved the covers down. “Want to join me?” 

Hawk crawled up the bed and laid his head on Peg’s chest. The marks on her chest were starting to bruise. He pressed a kiss to each one and Peg let out of soft sigh. 

“It’s bedtime,” she said. 

“We’re in bed.” Hawk kissed up her chest, her neck, and pressed a kiss beneath her ear. “We’ve got things to do tomorrow.” 

“It’s only eleven o’clock,” he said, biting at Peg’s neck. “It’s still early.” 

“No marks,” Peg said, hitting Hawk’s arm. Hawk whimpered and started biting at different places on her neck. “Ben!” She pinched him and he moaned, his face flushing as he pulled back. Peg stared at him. “You’re insatiable.” 

“Yeah,” Hawk said, burying his face against her neck again. He was growing hard against her leg. 

“Ben,” she chastised, laughing. 

“We don’t have to do anything else but sleep,” he said. “I’m a big boy; I can handle it.” 

Peg turned and tossed a leg over his hip. “Yeah but I don’t know if I can. And I _really_ don’t want to rinse off again.” 

“I’d clean you off.” Hawk said, laying back on Peg’s chest. He listened to Peg’s heart as his eyes started drooping. “I love you,” he mumbled, falling asleep. 

“I love you too, Ben.”

_____

Peg woke up in the middle of the night to Erin’s crying and Hawk wasn’t on her chest anymore. She sat up— he was curled up along the edge of the bed, taking up as little space as possible. She sighed and shook her head. Climbing out of the bed, she walked to Erin’s room and saw her sitting up on the bed, crying.

“Mmmama.” 

“What’s wrong, darling?” 

Erin held her arms up to Peg, who crawled in bed beside her. She eased the nightgown sleepily off her shoulder and pulled Erin onto her lap. Erin closed her eyes as soon as she latched on and Peg sighed. She wouldn’t be awake long either. 

Erin fell back relaxed and Peg pulled her nightgown back into place. She stared at the room around her and shook her head, carrying Erin to the other bed. Peg laid Erin down on the mattress beside her and fell back asleep. 

_____ 

Hawk woke up with Erin sprawled out between him and Peg. He hadn’t even heard her cry for once. Her limbs were sprawled out like a starfish. He stood up and stretched, grabbing for his suitcase. He searched around for a clock of some sort. He could hear a ticking from somewhere in the suitcase. 

“Where is it?” he mumbled. This was BJ’s suitcase, not his, so he didn’t know where the pockets all were. 

He looked up at the bed and saw Erin a few feet away from him, staring. “Beh!” 

“Good morning, Erin,” he said, “think you can help me find the watch? You’re great at touching things you’re not supposed to. Come here.” He held his hands up and she lunged off at him. “Alright bluebird. Find the watch. Try not to mess up the clothes too much.” 

Erin took a shirt and threw it. 

“Well I never liked that shirt anyway.” Erin cleared out more clothes and tossed them every which way. “Hey my blue shirt!” He grabbed the shirt and tossed it up on the bed. “Alright you got matching pants for me?” Something thumped against the suitcase and Hawk reached out and picked up a watch. “10:00. We should wake mama up, what do you think?” 

Hawk pushed Erin back up on the bed and she crawled up the bed. “Mama!” She dropped herself onto Peg’s stomach and Peg’s eyes darted open. 

“Good morning to you too, my little sack of flour. That was my stomach.” She sat up, easing Erin to her lap. “What time is it?” 

“10:00” 

Peg shot up. “California time?” 

Hawk looked at the watch. “Is this my watch or BJ’s?” 

“Yours.” “Maine time.” 

Peg laid back against the pillows. “Oh thank goodness. That means I have time to get us all ready. You notice I found your shirt?” 

“I did! Where was it?” 

“Bottom of your closet,” Peg said. She lifted Erin up onto her hip and stepped off the bed. “It must’ve fallen off the hanger. Do you want breakfast, Erin? Breakfast?” 

“Milk!” 

“Breakfast first, I think. Hawk can you call and order something for breakfast? I don’t care what. Something Erin will eat.” She set Erin on the bed and walked off to the bathroom. 

Hawk stood up and didn’t move. “You know, Erin, it’d be nice to know where the phone is. Can you tell me?” Erin laughed at him. “Yeah alright, so that’s a no. You’re not very helpful you know.” He walked over to the bedside table and felt around. No telephone there but he almost knocked the lamp over. “Peg where’s the phone?!” 

“Damn it,” she hissed from the bathroom. “I don’t know. Give me a minute.” 

“I think mommy’s stressed, what do you think? You and I should stay up here while she goes to the party. What do you think?” 

The bathroom door opened. “You’re going,” she said, adjusting the robe around her. “They’re your friends and their families.” 

“They’re your husband’s friends’ families. Isn’t that close enough for you to go on your own?” 

“Normally yes. But you’re here and I love you so you’re going.” 

Hawkeye sighed. He was already tired. He wasn’t sure he’d want to go, to meet these people and hear the stories they’d been written about him. He was sure enough people had written home to complain about him and— 

“Don’t you think that’s a bit conceited of you?” 

“I was… a lot over there. I’d be surprised if these people hadn’t heard of me or at least my antics.” Hawk sighed and looked at Peg, her stare never losing its heat. “Fine. I’ll go.”


	9. Chapter 9

Hawkeye was fidgeting with the bottom of his shirt. He was nervous. His cane was folded up and shoved in his pocket as he sat on the bed. 

“Ben, dear, you look fine. Stop fidgeting.” Peg walked over to the bed and stood between Hawk’s legs, fixing his hair. She leaned in and kissed him gently, her hand twirling in the hair at the nape of his neck. 

“I love you,” Hawk breathed against her lips as she eased back. “I’m sorry it took so long to say.” His breathing was ragged, partially from proximity to her, partially from nerves. “I’ve got time to make up for.” 

Peg caressed his face as she stepped back. “Are you ready to go? The party started a little while ago. We’ve had more than enough time to be fashionably late.” 

Hawk stood up, his hands patting for his cane in his pocket. He grabbed his wallet from the bedside table and slipped it in his other pocket. They’d been assured that things had been paid for and food and drinks donated but better safe than sorry. He listened to Peg shuffling though in her suitcase for a second and she lifted Erin off the floor, walking back over to Hawk. Hawkeye held his arm out for Peg. 

They walked arm in arm to the elevator, Hawk trailing one hand along the wall. The attendant smiled at them as they stepped in the elevator. “Ballroom?” He’d been moving people down for the last half hour.

“Yes, please,” Peg said. “Ben, stop looking so nervous.” 

“I’m not _looking_ anything,” he said with a snort. 

“You’re a menace,” she said as the doors opened again. “Thank you, sir.” Hawk fisted his hand in the bottom of his shirt. “Ben, darling. It’ll all be alright.” 

“Yeah I know.” The ballroom was pretty lightly lit. He could see a bit more color in here; that made it easier to calm down. “Do you know who’s going to be here?” 

“Benny!” 

Hawkeye turned towards the voice. “Dad?” Daniel wrapped Hawkeye into a hug. “Oh Hawkeye, you’re looking so much better than the last time I saw you! That Peg’s really put some weight back on you huh? And there’s the ever beautiful Peg, How are you doing sweetheart?” He wrapped her in a hug. “Oh, and who’s this little one? This can’t be Erin, can it? She’s grown like a bad weed. Goodness when was the last time I saw you?” 

“I came home back in October,” Hawk said. “Hard to believe it’s been that long. Five months.” 

Daniel pulled Hawkeye back into his arms and squeezed his sides a bit. “Well you’ve put on those twenty-four pounds, haven’t you? You having headaches? How’d this arm set?” 

Hawk pulled his arm from his dad’s grasp and laughed. “Everything healed fine. Clean bill of health. What are you doing here?” 

Daniel stepped back affronted. “This party is for members of the 4077th and their families, isn’t it?” Hawk shrugged— he hadn’t known much about it. “Well it is and I’m allowed to be here. I came to see you and meet all your friends and their families. Now, shall we?” Daniel asked, gesturing towards the ballroom. 

They walked in as a group, Peg’s arm linking with Hawk’s again. Walking into a seemingly empty room was anticlimactic to Hawkeye but Peg was looking around in amazement. It was beautifully decorated. 

“What do you think Erin?” Hawk asked. “You gotta be my eyes.” 

“There cookies,” she said, waving towards a set of tables. “Cookies, Beh.” 

“I do love cookies,” he said conspiringly. “Maybe you and I can go sneak some while mama’s not watching.” 

Erin giggled and lunged across Peg to slap at Hawk. “Beh!” 

“Hawkeye! It’s—.” 

“Hey Radar,” Hawk said with a smile. He couldn’t see Radar anywhere but he’d know that voice anywhere? “Have you gotten taller? Your voice sounds closer than I remember.” 

“Oh hush,” Radar said. “Hawkeye, I’d like you to meet my ma. Ma, this is Hawkeye— Captain Pierce.” 

Hawkeye held out his hand. “Hello, Mrs O’Reilly. It’s nice to finally meet you.” 

Mrs O’Reilly bypassed his hand and pulled him into a hug. She was even shorter than Radar. “Oh it’s so nice to meet Walter’s friends. He’s told me so much about you.” 

“And this is Captain Hunnicutt’s wife Peg and his daughter Erin. And Hawkeye’s father Daniel Pierce.” Gentle greeting were passed between them alongside some cooing towards Erin. “Hey, Hawkeye, you seen who all’s here yet?”

Peg elbowed Hawk’s side— a warning he was choosing to ignore. “No Radar, I haven’t seen much of anything yet. How’s it look?” 

Radar’s face flushed a bit and Hawk cackled. “Well it’s fancy but it ain’t got nothin’ on a party at the 4077th.” 

“Well, the constant threat of wounded or shelling really gave it an ambiance that is just lacking here. And then there was the mold and the heat. I bet it’s nice and pristine here— it’s missing that underlying sweat sock smell.” Hawkeye, for once, didn’t have much to say. He felt out of place. He couldn’t see anyone to find them to talk to and he wasn’t sure anyone would want to talk to him. He was sure the letters sent home about him were less than flattering. “Can we prop me up in a seat somewhere? I’ll let you all mingle without me.” 

“Hawk?” Peg’s voice was soft, concerned. 

“I’m just tired,” Hawk said. “I was up early this morning.” 

“You were up at ten o’clock.” 

“Like I said, early.” Hawk elbowed Daniel. “Right dad?” 

Daniel rolled his eyes. “Getting Hawkeye up before noon when he was younger was always a chore. Best of luck Peg. He’s out of my hands now.” 

Peg snorted. “Thanks.” She led Hawk to a chair as close to the inside of the ballroom as she could. “You’re as close to the action as you’ll get sitting down, okay? I really wish you’d come mingle with me. For BJ.” 

Hawk had to hold back a groan. That was a cheap shot. “Yeah, alright. I will in a bit.” Hawk shuffled, making himself comfortable as he listened to the sounds of people talking. A few people came over to introduce themselves, talking politely with him— Charles’s family, who seemed nice, Mildred Potter, every bit as loving and kind as he husband, and Klinger’s Uncle Abdul and his mother. Turns out Klinger had been trying to convince them he was at Fort Dix, but she knew better. She and Abdul sat with Hawkeye for a while and talked until it was time to mingle again. 

At one point something glass shattered on the floor and there was a slight commotion, Hawkeye assumed while people were moving to get it cleaned up and keep the children away from the glass. 

Lorraine Blake had shown up, which surprised Hawkeye. Her and Henry’s children were in tow. They sat at the table with Hawkeye laughing and crying, sharing jokes about Henry. The baby had been laid in Hawk’s arms, asleep. “Henry was a real great guy,” Hawkeye said. “No one was more devastated by the news than Radar. He and Henry were really close. He’s the one who took the call while we were all in OR.” Hawk brushed a knuckle against the toddler’s cheek. “He was so excited to meet him. He looks like Henry. Little less goofy looking, I suppose, but get him a fishing hat and he’s— spitting image.” 

“He’s a beautiful reminder of Henry, that’s for sure.” Lorraine pulled the baby— Robert— into her lap and smiled as he curled in towards her chest. 

An hand grabbed Hawk’s arm and he jumped, pushing the arm off him. “Don’t touch me!” he exclaimed in surprise, whipping around. 

The hand jerked back as if burned. “Hawk?” 

Hawkeye felt like he had been punched in the chest. “Trap?” He turned around and searched for him. “Is it really you?” 

“Course it’s me. My debonair, devastatingly good looks didn’t give that away?” 

Lorraine and the kids all stood up abruptly. “We’ll see you later Hawkeye, okay? Save a dance for me.” She pat him on the shoulder as she hoisted Robert onto his shoulder. Molly, Jane, and Andrew all walked over and waved at him, making sure to come close so he could see. 

“What are you— what’s— I can’t believe you’re alive.” 

“That’s a weird way to say I was dead to you once you left Korea.” 

Trapper turned around and glared at Radar. “D’he not give you my kiss? That’s dead to me? I fucking wrote to you Hawk and they sent it back. ‘Recipient deceased.’ I know the army ain’t good at their job but you don’t look dead to me. Frank do the autopsy or something’?” 

“Can you sit down?” Hawkeye was searching for Trap. He was just far enough away for Hawk’s eyes to ache. “Come on, sit.” 

“I gotta— Let me go get Lou and the girls first. I’ll introduce you and we can send the girls off to play. Frank brought his girls and I don’t think they get to play with normal kids all that often.” 

Hawkeye laughed. “Frank’s here? Oh man, he’s gotta be avoiding me, that’s _rich_. Where is he?” 

Trap stared at Hawk. “He’s… he’s right there. You lose your eyes or something?” 

“Pretty much,” Hawk said. “I can’t see you from where you’re standing.” He dragged his folded up cane from his pocket. “Got this nice cane though. Brings in all the ladies.” He snapped it open and tapped it against the floor. 

Trapper blanched. “Christ, Hawk. I’m sorry. I didn’t— Sorry.” 

“Ah, don’t be. I’m allergic to pity. Symptoms tend to manifest as mood swings.” Hawk waved Trap away. “Go get your girls and we can talk after introductions, okay?” Hawk sat alone for a bit while Trap rounded up his family. 

“Hawk, these are my girls— my wife Louise—” 

Hawk held out his hand and kissed her knuckles. “Charmed,” he said with a smile. 

Trap swatted him. “Hey that’s my wife you’re flirting with. Then these two are Kathy and Becky. Say hi girls.” Kathy stuck her hand out for Hawk to shake but Becky hid shyly behind Trap’s leg. “Alright you two, go find the other kids.” 

“It’s nice to meet you, Louise,” Hawk said. “Take a seat.” 

“I’d love to,” she said, “but someone, _John_ , interrupted a very nice conversation with Mrs O’Reilly. It’s nice to meet you, Hawkeye. I’ll come back around later, promise.” She walked away and Trap pulled a seat over to Hawk. 

“Is she as pretty as she sounds?” 

“Prettier. I really won the lottery with her. So how ya been?” Trapper’s foot found Hawk’s under the table. 

“I can’t see, I’ll never practice medicine again, I’m extremely depressed, but I’m out of Korea. And I’m living with a wonderful woman— my best friend’s wife— and their daughter. So all things considered, not too bad.” 

“Best friend, huh?” Trap nudged him with his shoulder. “Just friends?” 

Hawk flushed a bit. “Yeah I thought so. Turns out the feelings were mutual this time.” Hawk smiled, thinking about BJ but the smile soon turned to a grimace. “I hope he’s alright over there.” 

“There’s a picture over there of the crew. Do you want to go see it?” 

Hawkeye searched the ballroom vainly. “Is there a tall baby faced guy there? That’d be him.” 

“Messy hair?” 

“No,” Hawk said with a smile. “Not usually. It’s thinning a bit though in front.” 

Trapper threw his head back and laughed. “The one with the mustache?” 

“The one with the _what?_ Lead me over. Show me.” Hawkeye folded up his cane and slipped it back in his pocket. “Give me your arm.” Hawk looped his arm with Trap’s and Trapper led him over to the photo. 

Trap led him through the crowd, past laughing family members to the front where there was a photo of the 4077th family all together. “Here we are.” 

Hawk leaned over to look at the photo, squinting. “Oh god,” he said. “That’s gonna have to leave when he gets home. I’m not kissing _that_.” Trapper was cackling as Hawk stood up and searched the ballroom— he had to stop doing that— hoping to catch a glimpse of Peg. “Where’s Peg? Has she seen this abomination?” 

“I have,” Peg said sidling next to him. 

“We’re going to make him shave that, right? It’s an atrocity. It’s horrendous!” Peg laughed at Hawk, who was starting to talk with large swinging motions. “Oh Peg, Trapper John. Trapper John, Peg.” 

“It’s nice to meet you,” Peg said, holding her hand out. “I think my daughter is running around here somewhere with yours.” 

“Which one’s yours?” Trap asked looking around. “The little one, right?” 

Peg followed Trapper’s gaze and found Becky dancing with Erin. She laughed. “Yeah that’s her. Dances like her father, poor dear.” 

Hawk laughed. “BJ dances a little better than a toddler, I’d say. He’s got those big feet to wrestle with though, so not much. Trap here’s a pretty good dancer.” 

“I’ll have to save a dance for you then. I came to see if you wanted to get something to eat Hawk. There’s some refreshments over there.” 

Hawk set his hand on Peg’s arm. “I’m fine, thanks.” 

Peg frowned and looked at Hawk. “You have to eat darling. You haven’t had anything since breakfast.” 

Trap looked at Peg and motioned her over with his head. “Peg, didja meet my wife Louise over there?” He pointed to Lou who was talking with Edna again. “I’m sure she’d love to meet ya. Don’t worry much about Hawk. He’s healthier than I’ve ever seen him. He looks like he’s eating just fine.” He winked at Peg and the trio started walking over towards the refreshments table. “Me and Hawk will be talking over at the one of the tables.” I’ll make sure he eats, he mouthed at Peg with a nod. Trap grabbed a plate and piled some food on before leading Hawk over to the table they’d been at. 

“I told Peg I’m not hungry Trap.” 

“Fine, you might not be but maybe I am. Or maybe I want you to just smell it and give me your colorful descriptions. Been a while since I heard anyone describe their food quite like you. Plus dinner ain’t for a little while yet anyway.” 

Hawkeye sat close to his side and placated him for a while, describing the food, but then they turned it into a game and it morphed into a guessing game with Hawk eating food he guessed correctly. The plate slowly emptied and the game ended, Hawk and Trap leaning on each other as they laughed. Hawk had missed this— he’d missed Trap no matter how much he told himself not to, but he also missed BJ even more. Hawk’s laughing slowed and became forced. 

Trapper nudged Hawk. “Hey, how long have you been depressed? It’s pretty bad, huh?” 

Hawk sighed and slumped in his seat. “Hard not to be when you’re not doing anything, when you can’t do anything.” 

“How’d it happen?” Hawk jolted a bit. “You don’t gotta tell me if you don’t want to.” 

“Gas stove blew up in my face. The nurses came in and asked me to get it going for them— they said I had the best hands in camp; they were right of course— and so I went to get it lit and struck a match and the gas blew back into my eyes. I spent a few days with my head wrapped, couldn’t see anything. Somehow not seeing at all was better than this half-sight. I can sorta see things as long as they’re within an arm length. Books and pictures and stuff have to be right next to my face. Left my nude magazines with Radar. I should ask him if he used them at all. Someone should be getting use out of them.” 

Trap was quiet, watching Hawk. 

“Not much I can do anymore. I just lay at home and play with Erin sometimes, cook once in a while. We’re sorta training the dog to be a guide dog. Plus California is so much different than Maine.” 

“What’re you doin’ out in California?” 

“That’s where Peg is. Hard to live with her if I’m across the country,” Hawk said. 

“You’re a menace,” Trap said. “You were so excited to go back to Maine. What happened to Crabapple Cove? And your dad?” 

Hawk shrugged. “Dad’s around here somewhere. He visited me in Mill Valley when I first came home. I just— small towns have a lot of busybodies especially when Doc Pierce’s son is home and no one’s seen him. I didn’t want to deal with the inevitable pity.” Hawkeye pulled his cane from his pocket and snapped it open, tapping it on the floor in front of him. 

“Mill Valley? That’s near San Francisco, yeah? Me an’ Lou have been talking about moving out there. Boston’s not really doing it for me anymore.” 

Hawkeye fiddled with his cane, folding it back up. “San Francisco’s quite the change,” he said. “But it’s not bad. I mostly just miss seeing dad regularly. I’ll miss the maple trees turning and the fresh syrup.” Hawkeye took a deep breath and sighed. “I’ll go home eventually I think. I— Peg and Beej will get sick of me eventually.” 

“Nah,” Trap said, “no one could ever get sick of you.” 

“Frank did— very quickly.” 

Trap snorted. “Yeah alright. Hey, speak of the devil, he’s walkin’ this way and he’s got his wife and girls with him.” 

Hawkeye’s eyes twinkled with fiendish glee. “Oh hi Frank,” he said straightening up. He held his hand out to shake Frank’s. “Long time no see. Is that a new haircut?” 

Frank’s grip on Hawkeye’s faltered a little. “Oh, yes it is. Thank you for noticing. Louise cut it herself.” 

Hawkeye looked to where he hoped Louise was standing. “You must be Louise,” he said. “Hawkeye Pierce, pleasure to meet you.” He held out his hand and took Louise’s hand, brushing a soft kiss to her knuckles. 

Trap bit back a laugh as Frank made a strangled noise in his throat. Louise blushed. “It’s nice to meet you too,” she said. “You’re nothing like Frank mentioned.” 

“Oh? Frank you’ve mentioned me?” 

Frank flushed. “Well I— Pierce, McIntyre, these are my girls— Nancy, Mary Jane, and Linda.” 

“It’s nice to meet ya,” Trap said. “My girls are running around here somewhere if you want to go play.” The girls all perked up at that. “Becky’s six and Kathy’s eight so you guys will have someone around your age to play with.” 

“And Erin’s running around here somewhere. She’s only twenty months though— not two yet. But she’ll play with you too.” 

The girls didn’t move, standing neatly at Frank’s side. Their bodies were stiff as they stood at attention. Hawk looked at Frank and raised his eyebrows. 

“Girls, would you like to go play?” The girls all nodded. “Go play, be respectful, and stay clean.” 

Louise rolled her eyes. “Just don’t get too dirty and don’t tear your dresses,” she said and Frank nodded. 

“Right,” he agreed with a tight smile. 

Hawk tapped his cane on the ground as the girls immediately ran off to play. “So,” Hawk said. “Raising your girls as strictly as your parents raised you, eh?” 

“Well children need discipline and regimen!” 

“Children need food and water, shelter, clothing, and love, Frank. Nowhere in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs does it say ‘regimen and discipline.’” Louise hummed in agreement and Hawkeye turned to her. “Would you like to sit, Louise?” 

Louise sat next to Hawkeye. “I’d love to.” 

“C’mon Frankie,” Trap said. “Take a seat. It’ll be just like old times.” 

“Less gin, unfortunately,” Hawk said. 

“Less rats though,” Trapper pointed out. 

“Less uncomfortable cots,” Frank added on. “Less bugs and dirt.” 

Hawkeye cackled. “There you go Frank. Now you’re getting it.” 

Frank perked up at the praise. “So, uh— how have you been doing… Hawkeye?” 

“Well I’m staying in California with Peg. That’s— that’s it. Can’t do much if you can’t see.” 

Frank looked down at the tablecloth pattern. “Part of me always thought you were faking it,” he admitted. “It would’ve been a great army buck.” 

“Well if I’d known that I would’ve tried two years ago,” Hawk said grinning.

Frank gasped and narrowed his eyes. “Oh you!” 

Trap laughed. “Now, now, Frank. They don’t just give these white canes to anyone you know.” 

“I just carry it because it makes me look good,” Hawk said. “I mostly just stumble around and hope I don’t hit anything. I have the house layout memorized so as long as Peg and Erin don’t change anything, I know where everything is. Bruises are a new part of my life. Didn’t think about that one when I turned my eyes off. My shins? Black and blue. All the time. I brought it tonight so I didn’t have to pull Peg away from whoever she’s talking to and bother her.” 

Louise set her hand on Hawkeye’s arm. “If you need help with anything, you just call Frank or I and we’ll help you around.” 

“Thank you,” Hawk said, winking at Frank. Frank narrowed his eyes but kept his mouth shut. 

Conversation flowed somewhat easily across the table. Trapper and Frank were cordial, Louise listened to the two men bicker back and forth and Hawkeye turned his chair around towards the middle of the ballroom. Sounds of footsteps and laughter surrounded him and he smiled. If he closed his eyes, it was almost like being back in Korea. Less stinky though.

A solid weight jumped up into his lap and Erin wrapped her arms around Hawk’s waist. 

“Hi Bluebird. Are you having fun?” 

“Tired,” she whimpered, rubbing at her eyes. 

“You can go to sleep.” Hawk pulled her up into his arms and adjusted her into a comfortable position. He rubbed her back in gentle circles. Hawk pulled his watch up to his face. It was 11:00 already. “I’m surprised you stayed awake this long.” He kissed the top of Erin’s head. “Goodnight Erin. Sweet dreams.” 

Erin was asleep against his chest in seconds. Her breathing was soft, her chest was rising and falling against his own. 

“You’re a natural,” Trap said. “Plan on having any of your own some day?” 

“Depends on what Beej and Peg want. Erin’s enough for me,” Hawk said mindlessly. “But I’m sure BJ and Peg will want more.” 

Frank squawked behind him and Hawkeye froze. Oh shit, that gave far too much away. Someone’s foot connected with Frank’s leg behind him and Frank whimpered but kept his snide remarks to himself. 

“So all three of you…” Louise started. 

Hawkeye shrugged. “We’ve talked about it but we’ve never— nothing’s going to happen. I don’t think.” 

Frank snorted. “Oh, please,” he mumbled. Louise’s foot met Frank’s shin under the table. “Sugar,” he whined, “I’m just saying that Hunnicutt was heartbroken when he left. I’m being good, I promise. It was just pathetic how Hunnicutt _mourned_ over you like you weren’t safe at his home anyway.” 

“What can I say?” Hawkeye said, “I’m the light of a lot of people’s lives.” 

Frank took a drink and mumbled into his glass, “bane of mine.” 

Hawkeye’s face broke into a wide grin. “Very good, Frank. A good quick comeback designed to cut me to the core. You’ve improved.” Hawk shifted in his seat, adjusting Erin up onto his shoulder. “So word from the 4077th said your cheese slipped from your cracker.” Hawk stood up and turned his chair around before sitting back down. “How does it feel to be on the level of the rest of us commoners? You shoulda talked to Sid; how’re you feeling about psychiatrists now?” 

Frank swallowed and Trap elbowed Hawk in the side. “Hawk, c’mon,” Trapper hissed. “Bit far, don’t ya think?” 

Hawk hummed. “No. There are a lot of things Frank’s said to me that could take it too far. This isn’t one of them.” 

Frank fiddled with his pants beneath the tablecloth. Louise sighed at his avoidance. “He sees someone a couple times a month.” 

Hawk nodded, a small smile on his face. “Good. You could use it.” 

“Oh?” Frank shot back. “If I could use it, you should definitely be seeing someone, Pierce.” 

“Sorry, my psychiatrist is in Korea; it makes for difficult house calls.” 

Trap turned to him then. “Hawk you’re not seeing anyone?” Hawk grinned at Trapper and stared at him, his eyes twinkling. Trapper groaned. “I’m gonna sock you in the nose.” 

Hawkeye tossed his head back cackling. “People don’t realize how often they use the word ‘see’ in conversation, especially when they’re talking to a blind man.” 

“You’re just a menace looking for cheap laughs,” Trap said, shaking his head. 

“No,” Hawk said after a moment, “I’m not seeing a psychiatrist.” 

“Not even—” 

Hawk fumbled with a napkin on the table with one hand. “This is the first time I’ve been out of the house in a while. The most I’ve left is to go on a walk down the sidewalk until I get lost and need a neighbor to help me back. Which is what I did yesterday morning. No, I’m not talking to a psychiatrist. And I’ll be fine without one.” 

Frank snorted but stood up, grabbing his empty glass. “I’m going to get some food. Louise?” 

Louise stood up and squeezed Hawkeye’s shoulder before grasping his hand. She shook his hand, then Trapper’s and turned to follow Frank. “It was nice meeting you both.” 

“You too,” Trap said. He watched her walk to the other side of the ballroom. “She’s not nearly the bit Frank made her out to be, is she?” 

“Doesn’t dote on him like mommy did, surely,” Hawk said. “He seems less like an ass too, though.” Hawkeye paused, letting the quiet settle between them. “Not that I want to be his friend though.” Erin shifted on Hawkeye’s chest and started to whimper. Hawk shushed her and rubbed circles on her back until she calmed down. 

Trap smiled at Hawk’s new show of domesticity. He reached out and brushed a lock of Erin’s hair away from her face. Her nose was scrunched up and her cheek was smushed against Hawkeye’s shirt. “I need to go check in on the girls,” he said. He stood up and stretched and Hawk did his best not to leer at the strip of skin that showed itself. “I’ll be back in a moment.” 

Hawk hummed lowly with Sister Angelica’s saxophone in the background against Erin’s head until he heard a “Hey Benny” as his father sat beside him. “You haven’t done much partying tonight.” 

Hawk smiled at his dad. “People have been coming to me. I’ve talked to Mrs Klinger and Uncle Abdul, Lorraine and the kids, Frank and Louise just left here— I’m not sitting here in the corner.” 

“No, not in the corner, Hawk, but you’re also not enjoying yourself.” 

Hawk’s finger curled in one of Erin’s curls. “I’m enjoying myself,” he said. “I— Trap and I talked. Remember when I died?” Daniel nodded. “He’d sent me a letter that got sent back recipient deceased. You remember how mad I was at him and it was all a misunderstanding.Well,” Hawkeye stared at the tablecloth, tracing the pattern with his eyes. “Not so much a misunderstanding as it was another one of the army’s great mistakes.” 

Daniel nodded watching Hawkeye. “He shattered a glass earlier when he saw you— dropped it right on the floor— and he dropped to his knees, pale as a ghost.” Daniel laughed. “He’s pretty. Just your type.” 

“Perfectly my type,” Hawk said. “Tall, pretty, and not into me.” 

Daniel tossed his head back and laughed. He pat Hawkeye’s hand, his cheeks rosy from laughter. “Hand me over that little girl. I’ll hold onto her and you go get a dance from the one person here who _is_ into you. She’s been walking around chatting and dancing with Ms Winchester most of the night. I’m sure she brought you here to dance with you.” 

Hawk rolled his eyes, but shifted Erin into Daniel’s arms. She took a deep breath and sighed it out. She curled into Daniel’s chest and fell slack again. Hawkeye leaned down and kissed Erin’s forehead, then his father’s. “I’ll go enjoy myself,” he said, “but only since you suggested it so nicely.” Hawk turned away and ran straight into Trapper. 

“I leave for two minutes to check on the girls and you’re ditching me.” 

“Dad’s evicting me from my table so I can go be the light of someone else’s night,” Hawk said. “He’s been trying to evict me for thirty-three years.” 

“Wouldn’t leave his mother either,” Daniel said. “You must be Trapper. Dan Pierce.” 

Trap held out his hand and met Daniel’s grip. “John McIntyre. Nice to meet ya.” 

Hawk fumbled around for his cane and pulled it from his pocket. “Well, I’m off to make friends since my dad’s _making me_. Where’s Peg?” 

“Middle of the ballroom,” Trap said. “Want me to bring you to her?” 

“Nah I’ll find her.” Hawk snapped the cane open and stumbled to the middle of the ballroom. “Peg!” He called and he heard her laugh from nearby. “Alright,” he mumbled to himself. “Almost there.” 

Peg stepped over the sweeping tap of Hawk’s cane and stepped in against his chest. “Hi darling.” 

“Oh hello,” Hawk said, welcoming the press of her head against his chest. “Are you having fun?” 

“I am!” Peg’s breath was breathless with laughter and exertion. Her cheeks were tinged pink and her hair was looser than it had been when they’d left their room. 

Hawk collapsed his cane and shoved it in his pocket. He took Peg’s hand in his. “May I have this dance?” The music had changed to a gentle waltz and Peg took Hawkeye’s hands in hers. 

“Of course.” Peg pulled him backwards and started leading and Hawk didn’t hesitate to follow. He grinned down at her and Peg leaned in and kissed him quickly. “Is that a cane in your pocket or are you happy to see me?” she whispered. 

Hawk doubled over in laughter, landing against Peg’s shoulder. She dissolved into giggles with him, half holding him up. 

“Hawkeye stand up,” she groaned through her laughter. 

“You call me the menace,” Hawk said, wiping at his eyes. “It’s not— it wasn’t that funny but you caught me off guard.” Hawkeye counted off the beat for the song and swept Peg back into the waltz. 

“I’m glad you finally came to dance with me.” 

Hawk dipped Peg at the end of the song and pulled her back up against his chest. “Dad took Erin from me and evicted me from my own table.” 

Peg smiled at him. “I’m glad he did. I’m going to keep you for a few dances now.” 

Peg was high energy still… somehow. Hawk was tired from the few dances they’d shared but his dad wouldn’t let him sit down. He got a dance with Trapper, spun into Lou’s arms. He offered a dance to Frank who flushed and danced with Louise instead. Colonel Potter’s wife Mildred danced with him— “let’s see if you’re as good as your father,” she’d teased— and finally he’d dropped into a chair alongside Radar. 

“Hey, kid,” Hawk said. “If I recall, I was promised a dance back in California.” 

“Aw Hawk c’mon,” Radar said. “You weren’t serious about that, were you? ‘Sides, I never promised.” 

Hawk snagged a cookie from Radar’s plate and sniffed it before taking a bite. Radar narrowed his eyes at Hawk but didn’t say anything about it. “If you won’t dance with me, then you’ll have to talk to me. C’mon, talk to Auntie Hawkeye. How’s Michael?” 

“He’s fine,” Radar said. “Great actually.” Radar paused and shoved a bite of cookie in his mouth. He reached under the table and pulled out a little bag handing it to Hawk. “I’ve got something for you.” 

Hawk looked at the paper bag and opened it carefully. He pulled out a ball of yarn and a pair of knitting needles. “Radar?” 

“I saw you weren’t using any of your knitting stuff when I was in California and Peg said she didn’t even know you had any. The yarn’s made from wool from one of our very own sheep. Isn’t that neat? I sheared her and then Mrs Waitham in town spun it and processed it and stuff. And it’s red, ‘cause I know you were real sick of green in Korea.” 

Tears welled up in Hawkeye’s as his hand toyed with the ball of yarn. “This is— you’re really something Radar.” 

“I don’t know much about knitting so I asked ma about what kinda needles to get for you. I hope they’re alright. And I know you like to ball it yourself but Mrs Waitham balled it up for me. I hope you don’t mind.” 

Hawkeye unwound a length of yarn and tied a slip knot in it. He worked up a few stitches, fumbling a few times as he tried to figure it out without his sight, but he worked up a couple dozen stitches and held the needles to his chest. “This is great, Radar. It’s really great of you. I’ve— I think I need this. You’re a good guy, Radar. Don’t ever forget that, alright? You’re a real sweet kid.” Hawk leaned in and pulled Radar into a hug. 

“You too, sir,” Radar said. He glanced down at his watch. “It’s nearly midnight. I gotta go around and tell everyone it’s time to head out. I’ll see you at the Automat tomorrow right? We’re all meeting for lunch and we’re even gonna go to a Broadway musical. You’d love it.” 

Hawk grinned. “Yeah I would. I’ll see you there.” 

Slowly the ballroom cleared out and the party congregated outside the elevators instead, laughing and joking. Daniel walked up behind Hawk and set a hand on his shoulder. “You ready to head out, son?” Peg was standing behind Hawk on the other side, Erin propped up against her shoulder. 

Hawk reached out and squeezed Peg’s hand. “I’ll be out in a second, alright? And I’ll take Erin upstairs so you can keep the party going.” 

Daniel stepped back as Hawkeye stood up. “Say why don’t you two come up to Maine with me for a couple days before you head back to California? We’ll head out after the show tomorrow.” 

“Dad, we’ve got plane tickets for the day after tomorrow leaving from here. We can’t possibly make it to Maine and back in time.” 

“No, no, course not,” Daniel said. “But you could spare a few days, take your car and drive back, couldn’t you? I don’t have much use for it seeing as I’ve got my truck and all. Plus between BJ and Peg, one of you could probably use another vehicle right? C’mon Hawk, whadya say?” 

Hawk nodded. “Peg, you wanna see where I grew up? Chez Pierce? Crabapple Cove— a little piece of paradise on the Maine coast.” 

“I’d love to,” she said, setting her hand on Hawk’s arm. 

“Great, alright, we’ll be there. I’ll warn you though Peg, this man’s gonna insist on singing the whole way back to Maine.” 

Daniel laughed. “And Benny will be singing right alongside me.”

Peg smiled. “I think I can handle it. C’mon Dan, we’ll go join the party and give Hawk a minute. Where do you want to go, Hawk?” 

“Back to the picture?” Hawkeye eased his yarn and needles back into the bag Radar had given him and held it protectively in his arms. He set his hand on Peg’s shoulder and followed her to the table were the photo was set up. “I’ll be out in a minute, okay?” 

Peg pressed a kiss to Hawkeye’s cheek and smiled. “I’ll be counting the seconds.” 

Hawkeye waited for her footsteps to be swallowed up by the commotion out in the hallway and he pulled a chair over to the table. He pulled the photo close to his eyes and stared at it. Those were his friends. They should all be home soon. Father Mulcahy, Margaret, Klinger— they’d all been there long enough to accumulate their points. Potter should be retiring, should be home with Mildred. And BJ— BJ didn’t have enough points but he should be home anyway. Hawk was home, was it selfish of him to want BJ there too? 

Hawk traced his fingers over his friend’s faces. The tears welled up in his eyes. His gaze lingered on BJ as the tears dripped down his cheeks. “I’ll see you soon.”

**Author's Note:**

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